JD


Okay. This is going to be really really hard. But you and me, we're going to get through this. Okay? We're going to get through this.

I know that I may not have the right to speak about how I feel, I know that I have only known Juliette for the shortest of times, and it's okay if you think that I am not worthy to talk about Juliette - and you're probably right - Sometimes I do feel unworthy, because I'm just like one of the many many people whose lives were touched by this little ball of happiness. I'm just one of the many people who got to live and be touched by the light of her being. I'm just one of the many people whose heart broke when we were piled into that theatre to hear about the terrible news on that god awful January 9th.

Where do you even begin? 

I knew she was special. The way she walked, the way her eyebrows were always perfectly shaped. I knew she was special in the way that she would say she was "best friends" with almost everyone around her, the way she always always made me smile on a bad day. I should have appreciated her more. I should have said yes to the dinner dates instead of being too busy, I should have went up to her room more often to check on her. I should have done so many more things - but I can't hold onto that now. I can only let those "I should haves" go, and hold onto every good thing she is, and every good thing she left in this world. 

We all have brilliant memories of her, her smile and how it made everyone's days better. We all can remember her nicknames and very very humours jokes about America and how different it was for her. But I think what we sometimes forget is that at moments, Juliette had to go through the same things that we did - and we forget how she fought and faced challenges in such her own "Juliette" way.

I can still remember every breath, every colourful moment on January 8th. Today. Squigga, today marks 5 months from our bitterly cold, yet most heartwarming time together at our last Inn date.

She scooted into the booth. I sat across from her at the first booth in the Blairstown Inn, under the wooden sign and as she sat farther away from the black window. It seems so normal now, Juliette would choose to sit away from the darkness, and focus on the light. You couldn't see a thing that night, it was one of those Blair winter nights, when everything was quite cold and dark. Her hair was down, curled the perfect way it does naturally, and she was shivering from the whipping wind we fought through to get down here. I remember saying to her on the way: "Why don't you want to eat in the dining hall?" as the frosty air gave me a teensy bit of anger at the pit of my stomach that I had to come down here. She said in that very distinctive cute, innocent voice of hers: "I just don't like the dining hall food!"I remember thinking - Ah Juliette. I would only ever walk down this seemingly never-ending road through this sketchy town filled with drug addicts for you. I can still remember at the Inn, the way her sweatpants were so cutely tucked into the soft boots she was wearing, her body against the emerald, plastic bench, and the way her face always turns into a pout when she's about to speak - like every little word out of her mouth is filled with passion and care.

"You should get the Quiet Mouse Burger, that's my favourite one." I told her. I was starving at this point and ready for a big meal. "I'm starvingggg", I said to her and she immediately replied back: "Me too!!" I mean, we walked all the way down here, so obviously we were going to stuff our tummies to the brim.

She took my advice, ordered the Quiet Mouse Burger, and I went with the big ole' Philly cheesesteak, because we girls can eat. I remember being a little sad that night. I can't remember why, but I was - and I knew taking her out to eat was going to make me feel better. We talked about everything. From riding the Singaporean ferries with her friends, to our getaway vacations in the Philippines where we both were at during Christmas break. We were one island away from one another, and snapped each other a lot because only us were awake to complain about our sunburns and sand in unforeseen places, while the other half of the world was asleep. We talked about girls, friends and Locke, how she loved everyone - but like all the Locke ladies, also complained about how Locke can be a little on the dirtier, gross side. I remember her telling me about her fake Gucci slippers, and how some of the girls in Locke laughed at her for this. It reminded me of myself and my fake Lulu's, and we both agreed that why would we pay for expensive things when we can simply buy a pretty good version of it much cheaper? Duh. We weren't going to listen to the haters!!

I remember her calling me pretty. I blushed so hard and got mad uncomfortable like I do with compliments. But in that moment, she made me feel beautiful. Beautiful to the core - especially when I normally can't see that myself.

She barely touched her burger. The girl dragged me to the Inn but didn't even end up eating anything! She was too busy talking on her own, and soon I realised I didn't need to say anything, I was happy to listen to her yammer on as I stuffed the entire Cheesesteak into my mouth. True Joy.

I can still remember every detail of her talking about Sadie, who she was wanted to ask, hoping Trevor would be there in time for Sadie, and how she really cared for her favourite wrestling day boys. We talked about Jun and how she grew to love him and be there for him as a friend. She told me how much she loved the prefects, how Deehan's eyes were bluer than the ocean, how she loved Alex for always being there, and how she missed Emily Zhang. She even took the time to pause and ask me about Luke, and I remember trying to give her advice about boys, when she cut in and told me that seeing Luke and I together for so long was really sweet and that I shouldn't give up. This to me was something that would stick to with me for a long time - because it was just so surprising for me to hear, as most people including sometimes myself would think that giving up was always the easier option. But Juliette wasn't like me or everyone else - she was different. She wasn't a quitter, she wasn't someone who swiped things off her shoulder, and she wasn't someone who didn't cherish every moment of everyday. She was someone who cared deeply, who thought about things thoughtfully and in a positive light - and I remember thinking that the grungy old Blairstown Inn didn't seem so dark anymore. She was glowing. She filled me with hope. Hope. Something so hard to come by these days... All that anger and selfishness I felt walking down here made me feel ashamed I could have ever felt that way, and all of it, with Juliette, seemed to have melted away.

Sometimes, I think I hear her voice when I walk up the staircase from the Dining Hall to my room, I get a wave of excitement and I get ready to go in my high-pitch greeting voice and shout: "Squigga!" But then a rush of horror fills my body, and I am slammed with a wave of sadness. She won't be coming down those stairs. It took me weeks to go back into Sejal and Juliette's room, and everyday I am surprised at how strong Sejal must be for living in a room filled with what sometimes can be painful memories - but how she fights everyday to preserve those memories. How she turns sad memories into precious ones.

The thing is, we can look at Juliette in different lights. We can choose to be sad, and sometimes we will be because we are human, because sometimes it still gets to be too much - and that's okay. But we can also choose to be happy - happy, positive and glowing like she was. We can choose to fight on, celebrate who she was, think about her good qualities and grow everyday to be more like her. To me, she is someone I pray to when things get hard. When I'm too ashamed of what I've done to face God - I pray to her. It's stupid I know, but I know she's listening. the best thing is, I know she's not judging me for what I've done, but is whole-heartedly listening and shining a light on my sadness as she would have done when she was here.

She gives me the strength to carry on, and she is my angel.

Thank you, Blair. Thank you to everyone who has fought on, who has been kind, and who has shown me patience. I know I don't have much to say, and I don't know what the right thing to do is or even what Juliette would have wanted - but fight on, because you are beautiful, you are loving, you are kind and you are celebrating Juliette's life just by being you - just by every small gesture of kindness, just by appreciating every little happy moment in life. Celebrate being at Blair, because Blair was her home - and it's your home. Celebrate that you've made a  family.

Squigga, I will always, always have you in my heart - not a day goes by when I don't think of you.

You are never alone, Juliette.

                                                                                                - Teeny, tiny, & not so terrified

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