L

L
4:27:04 AM

There's a little lamp that I made

when I was in 10th grade

The lamp is a plastic, cheap contraption

That has a dull light bulb in the middle.

There are plastic sheets surrounding it

And when you turn on the light

You can see all the stars in your bedroom.

L was always on my mind

and I remember thinking I would bring this back to L

and in one of the classrooms in Bogle,

I would switch off the lights,

pull down the shades,

turn on this little dull light,

and I would show L the milky way,

the never ending galaxy.

I would show L what the universe was made of,

How we were all made of stars 

and how each of them had their own story.

I would show L everything that I am,

I would show him how he meant the entire world -

No, excuse me -

the whole universe, to me.

L showed me love.

At least, his version of it.

L had a hard job, because he was my first boyfriend

and when you're so young and so crazy,

your boyfriend has almost an impossible job.

L showed me that I was beautiful.

He would tell me that I was beautiful when I couldn't see it

When I felt like I was psychotic and depressing and ugly.

L showed me patience, love and care.

L showed me breakfast at iHop,

Tropic Thunderstorm,

An awkward tour of Westpoint.

L showed me arms and forgiveness,

When I felt like I was throwing up my heart

On January 9th.

L showed me what life would be like if we had a forever.

Happy.

But L also showed me incredible sadness.

The kind of sadness that keeps you in bed for 24 hours.

The kind of sadness that makes you feel like you need a therapist.

The kind of sadness that makes you feel like

you're the most disgusting and evil and ugly person in the world.

He always left

and I feared he would never come back.

L also made so many mistakes,

but maybe that's why I love him so much.

Because even though he can be a poop,

He's still beautiful to me.

L also knew that I made so many mistakes,

and I hope he can still see me as beautiful too.

He could never be ugly in my eye, 

He could never have the motivation to hurt someone.

No - 

He was good. Pure good.

The kind of good you hope you could be.

The kind of good that we spend our whole life trying to be.

He's also strong and happy,

The kind of strong I wish I  could be

When he isn't here for me anymore.

The kind of strong I think he is,

When I'm not lying there beside him,

Wrapped up in the sheets,

Running my fingers through his hair 

While he snored away.
Even though the truth is, we have a harder time sleeping
When we're not one together.

L can go and be with other girls,

L can go find someone that makes him happy,

L can leave me in the dust and soar in the sky,

L doesn't need me.

L doesn't know this but I worry about him a lot.

L doesn't know about the letters,

the notes, and the box.

L doesn't know about the messages to his friends,

to his family,

L doesn't know about the alarms I make,

to wake him up for school,

or to FaceTime him again.

L doesn't know the things I say to my friends

or things I say to him when he's here next to me, sleeping away.
No, I'll keep that as my little secret.

L doesn't know the make up, the curly hair is all for him,

L doesn't know the taxis I take 

to come home early

so L wouldn't worry

and so I can hear his voice.

L doesn't know.

L doesn't know how when I shop for anything,

Whether it's clothes for him

or even clothes for me,

I want him to like it.

L doesn't know that every choice I make in life,

I hope it leads back to him.

L doesn't know how much I'd give up to be where he is.

To be his.

L doesn't know.

And that's okay.

Because if L looked into my heart

and saw into my soul

I think he would be terrified from how much he means to me

I think he would be terrified of being the person that I miss

the person that I want to hold -

Every second of every day.

He's the person I want to tell when I see a stupid meme

The person I want to have a mid-life crisis to

Even though I'm only 18.

L wouldn't know how he gets me out of bed in the morning,

How he gives me hope,

How difficult it is to know that he doesn't feel the same way.
L taught me that he loves me,
and even though he can't say it,
the way he looks at me,
everyone can tell,
I am his entire world -
and he is mine.
We're going to get strong for each other.
L taught me to let go,
to start loving myself first
And then maybe we can use the crazy love we have for each other
right.

L is my soulmate - 

and the one I promise to take care of

As long as I live,

As long as I breathe,

As long as there are stars in the sky. 

As long as there are stars in my bedroom.

                      - teeny tiny, & terrified