5:11 AM

Good morning Blogworld! Rise and Shine!

Jokes!!! No one should ever be expected to be up at 5 in the morning, frantically typing (as quietly as I can might I add because I'm aspiring to be a good roomie) and racing against the sun, wanting to get the words jammed in the pit of their stomach out here  - before the luminous globe of fire fills the sky with color. I want to beat the new day. 

The horrible truth is - 5:11 AM and I are pretty much best friends. We've met quite a few times. 5:11 AM knows all my deepest, darkest secrets - my worries and doubts - my fears and tears. That is the horrible truth. I wish I wasn't like this, always daunted by my fears and having them wake me up like nightmares, or like sketchy vans chasing me in the black night.

However they do. My fears chase me to a point that I'm scared to close my eyes sometimes - because closing my eyes leaves my thoughts to wander - and my thoughts can get pretty damn dark.

5:11 AM was there when I woke up crying because I was scared to go to boarding school, and was convinced that Hong Kong was just the place to be. 5:11 AM was there when the boy I first loved and really cared about broke up with me, and I had nothing to do but to soak in my tear-stained sheets. 5:11 AM was there when my beautiful prefectee passed away in a tragic accident and my toes went numb from the cold on that fucking January 9th.

5:11 AM was there when I doubted God even existed, when I was too scared about change and when I knew I was doing something out of my character, doing something hurtful to someone that I really care about. Yup, 5:11 AM was there when I was pretty fucking ugly.

At 5:11 AM, we are prone to be honest with ourselves: and the truth is - we know we've made mistakes, we know we have our fear and doubts. Because even in the daylight, when we trick ourselves to think that we have no fear and doubts, when we trick ourselves into thinking that we can be perfect human beings - we can't - and that's okay.

I cannot stress this enough. Throughout my blogs, whatever deep, dark shit you are thinking, and whatever horrible thought you think no one else has ever thought about - I have probably thought waaaaaay worse. So, thinking dark stuff doesn't make you emo or weird - it makes you normal. Because we are human, because we aren't perfect, because we are perfectly imperfect. And you and me - were gonna make some stupid ass mistakes. But you know what? We're going to learn from them and be better. I know it.

The truth is - I believe that fear and doubt are there for a reason. Think about it - it's logic. With distrust or betrayal comes fear and doubt and sometimes those doubts are there for a reason. However, I also believe that fear and doubt can be extinguished. If you truly believe that there's the Big Guy up there watching over you - He does everything to help you grow - and whatever the reason is, it's going to make you a stronger human being, for yourself and for others.

So why am I up at 5:11 AM right now? Let's just say, there's a boy I'm worried about, a baby brother I have to take care of (Not so baby he's actually 15, but he will always be a baby to me, so ladies do not touch him), and college to think about - Plus don't tell my mom yet but I was fucking irresponsible and lost my wallet and my retainer. Woohoo responsibility!!

I'm up at 5:11 AM because I'm a thinker - and weirdly enough, sometimes I'm glad I am. It gives me the time to think about my mistakes and what I want to do. But what I want to tell you all is - don't worry so much. Because unfortunately - I did not beat the sun. I see the glow of that Fanta orange seeping through my shades. The sun will come out. The annoying fucking birds will tweet. The new day will come to give you a chance to start over. If you have fear and doubt - know that that means that whatever you're scared about losing - you pretty much love and you really really care about - and that's important in your life and it's pretty much what makes you pretty fucking special.

I love you and am passing the fuck out now because tomorrow is a school day! Woooohooo to new days!

You're never ever alone.

                                                                                                              -  Teeny, Tiny & Terrified