To Wiggle

How do you sum into words everything that we have been through, the goods and the bads, the miracles and the breakdowns, the backslides and the breakthroughs? How do you put into words how thankful your heart is for this one human being that willingly wants to steal you medicine when you get cramps, that has stayed up late nights to talk about your fears and anxieties, and that has been right next to you, every step of the way?

How do you sum into words, the shame yet the gratefulness you feel for someone who continually watches in pain all the mistakes that you keep making, all the mistakes that you keep going back to. How do you sum into words someone who lifts your boulders, and carries them with you - How do you sum into words how amazing one person is for being able to truly hurt, bleed and feel every pulse of pain that burns in your heart? 

How?

And the truth is, my friends, you can't. You can't express that kind of thankfulness in words. You can't show them how grateful you feel. You can't sum up everything that we've been through together because frankly - you can't sum up an infinity. You can't sum up our little infinity. 

Infinity. That's what you are for me. A loop-a-do-loop that always comes back for me, someone I can expect to be there in the long run, someone who will spend forever as a truly, good person. For a long time in my life, I've felt as though there was nobody there. Nobody that has the same fears and anxieties that I have, nobody who strives to be kind as I have tried, nobody who genuinely wants to be there for other people because they care. Because they really care.

And then I met you.

You - the most selfless person I have ever met. I have never seen you look down on me. I have never felt a judgemental bone in your body. I have never heard a single selfish complaint slip out of your mouth. You've heard me complain - the way sometimes I can't "handle" things, or that this girl's being a "bitch", or that this boy is "ewie". I am flawed. Flawed to my bones, flawed to the core, flawed to every inch of my body - nasty, cruel and worst of all, sometimes - selfish. Yet you - you, underneath all the layers of imperfection - you somehow make me feel beautiful. Beautiful in the way that I could be great, that I could be kind, that I could be something more to the people around me - and maybe, just maybe, I could leave an amazing imprint on this world. You make me feel like I can do anything - as cheesy as that sounds, it's true. I feel like a hummingbird when I'm with you, spreading my wings, moving from flower to flower, trying to make the world a sweeter place. You make me feel beautiful to the core - that if you could flip me inside out, you'd see a nebula of bright stars, of colours that glow - and make people all warm and tingly inside. 

Who the hell has that kind of power in the world?

No one does. No one does except for you. You have the world's greatest gift - and that is your presence. You can light up a room just by being in it. Your superpower makes me feel like I can begin again, I can start anew. And do you know how much I need that? I feel trapped constantly. I feel like I'm stuck in the prison of my past - yet you, you make me feel like I may have the ability to let go of my monsters,  that maybe I could start fresh - and you make me feel like one day, those insecurities might go away. 

I am so sorry about how frustrating I can be. The truth is sometimes I can get confused on what love is. When people say they love you, I try my best to believe that. But the truth is - sometimes - you can't. You can't believe them because you're human, a human with experiences. A human that has gotten hurt, that has seen people take advantage of you, that has seen the world at it's worst, and that has felt the way they've been lied to and cheated on. I've built a wall around my heart - a 7 foot layered wall and where I have forgotten how to love, and how to lead people back in. To trust.

This year I lost that. I lost me. This year I didn't know who I was and the truth is I still don't know. The truth is I am fucking terrified. I want to crawl under a table and suck my thumb - I don't want to go to Princeton. I want to be where I am most comfortable and safe - with you. 

But you give me strength. Strength to feel like maybe I can do this - maybe I'm better than I think. Your eyes, they look at me and you make me feel like I'm worth something, like maybe I could be beautiful and one day - just as kind, caring and humble as you are. You make me want to take things on, you make me want to make you proud. You give me strength, trust and will to leave your side, just for a few moments to fight my own battles, to explore and search who I want to be - and trust me, that is the best gift any human being could ever, ever give me.

You have given me the will and strength to feel like I can accomplish my dreams and conquer my battles. That is the greatest gift in this world. That is the greatest infinity.

You are my greatest gift. You are my greatest infinity.

So if you're reading this, whether you're high or low, whether you have this person or not - I hope you find this person. Because, I have. I really have - and I'm never, ever, ever, letting this person go.

There's only a few things to say now, I can't say I love you because that doesn't feel like enough, I can't say I miss you because you give me courage to look ahead and not back, I can't say goodbye because I know I'll see you again... but I can say, thank you. Thank you for being who you are and everything that you are about to become.

Thank you for changing my life, for making me a better person and for always sticking by my side.

You are never alone, wiggle.

                                                                                       -teeny,tiny&not so terrified anymore.