Dip
The dip. The lowest of lows.
I'm stuck in the dip.
The dip is a place where in your life, you've never felt as low as you do in the moment. It's the feeling of being trapped underground, of not being able, no, even worse, of not wanting to get out. It is possibly the worst feeling in the whole world. It feels so, so lonely and dark. Like sometimes nobody really cares about you, like you aren't special, like you aren't necessary to the people that you love, or to even this world.
I know that this is getting pretty dark here, and I don't mean to be this way, but I wanted to be honest and raw with you. Because frankly, you deserve to know the truth. You deserve to know that at times, even the happiest of the happiest can be brought down. I used to be so ashamed of feeling the way I do, of having thoughts that I thought only 'sick' people would have, of feeling so so low that you don't believe that there is a God up there, that there is a purpose in this world, and worst of all, that there is a single slither of hope and positivity can be found. That's the scariest part about the dip, that there is no way to get out, that there is not a crack of light and air - It's how I've been feeling this past month - It scares me that there are moments in my life right now that I can find no positivity.
I had a nervous breakdown today.
One of the worst ones I've had in my life.
You see, there are possibly only 5 moments in my life where I have been so sad about my life that I crumble to the floor and not been able to move or breathe. The first time my mom and I realised that I get nervous breakdowns was one summer night when I had just finished my second year at Blair, I woke up in August not being able to breathe. This is one of the most terrifying things about my sadness. If I sleep sad, my body turns off, but my mind and my heart does not. The brain does not shut down. It is only even more alive. It continues to churn and continues to produce many, many bad thoughts - so bad that my thoughts wake me up. This was the first time I discovered I was having a nervous breakdown - I ran into my mother's room as she taught me how to breathe - like once again, my life depended on my mother to breathe again. The second time it happened it was at Blair. I knew it was happening so I walked away from my friends and hid behind the oak tree in front of the Insley porch. My mother had called me the night before about something that had happen to my sister. She was going through probably the same kinds of emotions I am going through right now but wanted to make a very different decision to get out of all the pain. I lost it. Not only until Shane Brackup saw me on his way to the Stivals, I'd like to say, did he calm me down. Now he doesn't know this, but his cheeky failure to see and understand how I was having a nervous breakdown honestly saved my life. He sat down next to me and talked about me and his senior year. Listening to him struck a little light in me, and I felt ten times better. My third nervous breakdown was outside Lakeside before Squigga's candlelit service, this one to me is still a blur. One that I still today have difficulty understanding how I ever got out of it. All I remember is hot chocolate in my gloved hands, and then a candle in my freezing palms that I refused to put out. My last one still brings me horror today. One that I think I'm still too afraid and not sure how to describe. Maybe we'll talk about that one another time.
Unfortunately today was my fifth. It was the moment after I said goodbye to one of my friends who was going back to Blair and after a week of having more and more of what can be only described as bad, bad, mean things happen to me again and again - I absolutely lost it.
I absolutely lost having any faith in myself.
I didn't know what to do. I felt like a thousand things wanted to come out, and I sat on the floor of the apartment sitting in the New York skyline, under the refrigerator light. The marble floor felt colder than ever against my feet and my toes were numb from the frost. The worst possible thoughts crossed my mind, and because I had decided to spend my time with myself for the past few days, I spiralled into a pit of overthought sadness and worst possible scenarios (even though possibly those things have already happened to me). Just when I thought nothing could get worse, it just does.
I didn't know who to call in that moment. I didn't know what to do.
But then I felt myself remembering my angel of a cousin Amanda who had texted me about meeting one of my other angel of a friend, Emily Lunger. Amanda is one of the kindest people I know on this planet. She has a heart of gold, and has always placed so much faith in me. When I was kicked out the car with my two dogs, she was there to pick me up and illegally drive out of a road that just wasn't meant to be driven on. When I was sad about a breakup, she was there to hold me through the day. When I was too sad to celebrate my birthday, she was there to make a cake and surprise me at my house with a '1' candle lit on my 17th birthday. She always knew how to calm my storms and make me smile. And no matter how many times I mentioned the same thing that made me cry extraneously, she would continue to listen.
I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life.
So when she got the call, she picked up and listened to every word I could mutter and roll of my tongue through the ugly, cry-y, nose dripping sounds I was making. She listened and then she talked. She told only truth. The good truth. How everything I was feeling was completely normal.
That I was normal.
That everything I'm feeling is normal.
Everything you're feeling is normal.
And finally, I took a breath out and the weight of the world all the sudden disappeared.
I could breathe again.
I could smile and laugh a little. I felt my thoughts floating to a lighter place, and I felt myself feel something close to being okay. Okay. I felt okay. I haven't felt okay in soooo long guys. I made myself a big dinner, cooking in four different pots and laughing at the TV.
I had a cup of tea. And it was the best cup of tea I've ever had and made in my life. It glided down my throat like smooth honey and warmed my broken heart. It sat in my sad tummy and made it feel toasty and wrapped in fur.
I thought about nothing after that. Just How I Met Your Mother, Ratatouille, and chocolate pudding.
The thing is, the dip can be a funny place. I'm not saying at all that the dip is a pleasant place, because for anyone that has been through the dip, you know - it's the worst place to be in life. Your heart hurting 24/7, your nightmares waking you up, scratch that, you feeling like you just haven't woken up from this never ending nightmare that you call life, terrorising you from day to night. Night to day. But the dip isn't forever. It's temporary. And in the dip, you don't have to be alone. You can choose to transfer the weight to those who actually care about you. The ones that know exactly what to say, the ones that know exactly how you feel, and the ones that have not only seen you in your highest but your possible lowest. The dip is not forever. Just remember that you have people who want to pull you out of the dip when you don't have the strength or the will to get out. For me, one of those people is Amanda. Beautiful, kind, and perfect Amanda - and I couldn't be luckier.
Whenever you feel like things could not get worse, or that your luck is out, or even that no one else in the whole world feels the way you do - just remember that is absolute, total, complete, utter - bullshit.
Everyone has a dip. Everyone feels in moments that if they died in this moment, things wouldn't be that bad. Everyone feels as though they have no one that cares about them.
The funny thing about the dip is that in the end, you're only dipping in and out.
You'll be out soon, my friend.
I will be too - and I'll see you on the other side, pulling you out.
You're never alone.
- teeny, tiny, and terrified
I'm stuck in the dip.
The dip is a place where in your life, you've never felt as low as you do in the moment. It's the feeling of being trapped underground, of not being able, no, even worse, of not wanting to get out. It is possibly the worst feeling in the whole world. It feels so, so lonely and dark. Like sometimes nobody really cares about you, like you aren't special, like you aren't necessary to the people that you love, or to even this world.
I know that this is getting pretty dark here, and I don't mean to be this way, but I wanted to be honest and raw with you. Because frankly, you deserve to know the truth. You deserve to know that at times, even the happiest of the happiest can be brought down. I used to be so ashamed of feeling the way I do, of having thoughts that I thought only 'sick' people would have, of feeling so so low that you don't believe that there is a God up there, that there is a purpose in this world, and worst of all, that there is a single slither of hope and positivity can be found. That's the scariest part about the dip, that there is no way to get out, that there is not a crack of light and air - It's how I've been feeling this past month - It scares me that there are moments in my life right now that I can find no positivity.
I had a nervous breakdown today.
One of the worst ones I've had in my life.
You see, there are possibly only 5 moments in my life where I have been so sad about my life that I crumble to the floor and not been able to move or breathe. The first time my mom and I realised that I get nervous breakdowns was one summer night when I had just finished my second year at Blair, I woke up in August not being able to breathe. This is one of the most terrifying things about my sadness. If I sleep sad, my body turns off, but my mind and my heart does not. The brain does not shut down. It is only even more alive. It continues to churn and continues to produce many, many bad thoughts - so bad that my thoughts wake me up. This was the first time I discovered I was having a nervous breakdown - I ran into my mother's room as she taught me how to breathe - like once again, my life depended on my mother to breathe again. The second time it happened it was at Blair. I knew it was happening so I walked away from my friends and hid behind the oak tree in front of the Insley porch. My mother had called me the night before about something that had happen to my sister. She was going through probably the same kinds of emotions I am going through right now but wanted to make a very different decision to get out of all the pain. I lost it. Not only until Shane Brackup saw me on his way to the Stivals, I'd like to say, did he calm me down. Now he doesn't know this, but his cheeky failure to see and understand how I was having a nervous breakdown honestly saved my life. He sat down next to me and talked about me and his senior year. Listening to him struck a little light in me, and I felt ten times better. My third nervous breakdown was outside Lakeside before Squigga's candlelit service, this one to me is still a blur. One that I still today have difficulty understanding how I ever got out of it. All I remember is hot chocolate in my gloved hands, and then a candle in my freezing palms that I refused to put out. My last one still brings me horror today. One that I think I'm still too afraid and not sure how to describe. Maybe we'll talk about that one another time.
Unfortunately today was my fifth. It was the moment after I said goodbye to one of my friends who was going back to Blair and after a week of having more and more of what can be only described as bad, bad, mean things happen to me again and again - I absolutely lost it.
I absolutely lost having any faith in myself.
I didn't know what to do. I felt like a thousand things wanted to come out, and I sat on the floor of the apartment sitting in the New York skyline, under the refrigerator light. The marble floor felt colder than ever against my feet and my toes were numb from the frost. The worst possible thoughts crossed my mind, and because I had decided to spend my time with myself for the past few days, I spiralled into a pit of overthought sadness and worst possible scenarios (even though possibly those things have already happened to me). Just when I thought nothing could get worse, it just does.
I didn't know who to call in that moment. I didn't know what to do.
But then I felt myself remembering my angel of a cousin Amanda who had texted me about meeting one of my other angel of a friend, Emily Lunger. Amanda is one of the kindest people I know on this planet. She has a heart of gold, and has always placed so much faith in me. When I was kicked out the car with my two dogs, she was there to pick me up and illegally drive out of a road that just wasn't meant to be driven on. When I was sad about a breakup, she was there to hold me through the day. When I was too sad to celebrate my birthday, she was there to make a cake and surprise me at my house with a '1' candle lit on my 17th birthday. She always knew how to calm my storms and make me smile. And no matter how many times I mentioned the same thing that made me cry extraneously, she would continue to listen.
I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life.
So when she got the call, she picked up and listened to every word I could mutter and roll of my tongue through the ugly, cry-y, nose dripping sounds I was making. She listened and then she talked. She told only truth. The good truth. How everything I was feeling was completely normal.
That I was normal.
That everything I'm feeling is normal.
Everything you're feeling is normal.
And finally, I took a breath out and the weight of the world all the sudden disappeared.
I could breathe again.
I could smile and laugh a little. I felt my thoughts floating to a lighter place, and I felt myself feel something close to being okay. Okay. I felt okay. I haven't felt okay in soooo long guys. I made myself a big dinner, cooking in four different pots and laughing at the TV.
I had a cup of tea. And it was the best cup of tea I've ever had and made in my life. It glided down my throat like smooth honey and warmed my broken heart. It sat in my sad tummy and made it feel toasty and wrapped in fur.
I thought about nothing after that. Just How I Met Your Mother, Ratatouille, and chocolate pudding.
The thing is, the dip can be a funny place. I'm not saying at all that the dip is a pleasant place, because for anyone that has been through the dip, you know - it's the worst place to be in life. Your heart hurting 24/7, your nightmares waking you up, scratch that, you feeling like you just haven't woken up from this never ending nightmare that you call life, terrorising you from day to night. Night to day. But the dip isn't forever. It's temporary. And in the dip, you don't have to be alone. You can choose to transfer the weight to those who actually care about you. The ones that know exactly what to say, the ones that know exactly how you feel, and the ones that have not only seen you in your highest but your possible lowest. The dip is not forever. Just remember that you have people who want to pull you out of the dip when you don't have the strength or the will to get out. For me, one of those people is Amanda. Beautiful, kind, and perfect Amanda - and I couldn't be luckier.
Whenever you feel like things could not get worse, or that your luck is out, or even that no one else in the whole world feels the way you do - just remember that is absolute, total, complete, utter - bullshit.
Everyone has a dip. Everyone feels in moments that if they died in this moment, things wouldn't be that bad. Everyone feels as though they have no one that cares about them.
The funny thing about the dip is that in the end, you're only dipping in and out.
You'll be out soon, my friend.
I will be too - and I'll see you on the other side, pulling you out.
You're never alone.
- teeny, tiny, and terrified
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