Nineteen Reasons Why
Well folks, it's official - I'm as old as a bag of beans. I'm getting 'prunier' and 'prunier' by the minute and I'm getting closer and closer to the fact that I have to face reality - It's almost time to realise that I am a friggin adult human being. Woooah. That's scary.
Every year on my birthday, I write 5 things that I am thankful for. This year, I wanted to do something different, I wanted to be super, duper out of this world grateful and write 19 things I am thankful for, 19 reasons why I love being alive. Since I've had the privilege to be in this world for 19 whole years, I would like to think that there are at least 19 reasons that I find this crazy little world so beautiful, and that there are 19 reasons why I've become the person that I am today.
And if you're low, like you feel lower than the buried bodies in the graves, or that you feel like you have no purpose, or no reason to keep living - here are 19 reasons why I think you should keep going. 19 reasons why there's so much more to explore, so much more to feel. Trust me, okay?
The reason why I live is for...
1. The feeling you get when you're sitting down across your little brother who's laughing so hard, his head is tilted up into the lilac sky. It's a family game (maybe it's not your blood family, but a family you've made) of bananagrams, and your mom is making up words, your dad is throwing tiles on the floor because he's officially losing, and your sister is beating all your asses with her English major from Princeton... It's a wholesome feeling. You know your family isn't perfect, but right now, you know you're in love. You're in love with your family and how they can make you feel - healed. They can heal you. They have the power and the responsibility to bandage this broken heart of yours, and lift your spirits one more time.
2. The one person who strives to be with you. The one person who never gives you up from their side. The one person who texts you on your birthday, even if it's on an international plan at 11 o'clock at night - when you least expect it. It's the one person who shows you that you are worth so much more. So much more than you've ever known. Someone who doesn't call you crazy, who loves you for your flaws and your beautiful bits. Scratch that, who makes your flaws your beautiful bits. It's for the person that loves you for your soul and your pure genuine heart.
4. The butterflies you get in your tummy when you finally learn to let go. When you can finally say the words you've been dying to say, when you can finally come out as who you are. It's for the moment you belt out the words that you've been keeping to yourself for all these years. It's that burst of courage you suddenly get when you can finally sing that note out to the people that you love and shake the Earth.
5. The taste on your lips after you've had the best kiss of your life. It could be in the most ratchet place, but when it's with the most perfect person, everything is perfect. It could be in the paved street of New York, right outside your apartment, where busy bees are still walking the streets. He'll see you from the distance, drop his bags and kiss you right there and then. Who cares who's watching? It's love without boundaries, it's love without any of the distance, any of the problems, any of the insecurities. It's perfect love - when you're just intertwined with one another and only each other.
6. The dinners with your neighbours when they make you spicy fish and you have to pretend like you like fish even though you're having digestive issues and you know this is going to do some whack things to you later in the bathroom... you eat the fish because your old neighbours went through a lot to cook this meal, and want only the best for you. They treat you like their own grandchildren, and smother you in kisses when you come in, and again once you have to leave. They tell stories that seem to never end and always somehow, when you're with them, your eyes start to smile, and it never seems to go away.
7. The moments he tells you with crystals in his eyes "you're glowing".
8. Snow capped mountains. Powder sugared hills, milky slopes and glazed ridges. The world is one beautiful place, with breathtaking sights. It's a sight like no other, a sight that has been untouched. Beautiful for its purity and for its wonder and mystery. Beauty because no man has ever laid a finger on it, because God can make these crazy miracles where the world that starts from uninteresting microscopic cells can become giant, great, big Himalayan mountains.
9. The free dessert that comes when you tell them "Oh it's my friend's birthday", whether you're lying or not, they trust you. The sparklers come out, the little cake and ice cream is brought out by happy waiters with funny moustaches and deep, beautiful singing voices. It's kind of embarrassing, and you're face turns red while other people in the restaurant stop and stare. They gather around your table as the reflection of the candles water your eyes - making them sparkle in the night.
10. Annicka Haines. Bursting through the door to tell a story that she can't even contain herself, or bursting through the door because someone has really pissed her off - she makes your day brighter 1000 times more whenever she walks through the door. Whether its nights squished on my little cheap, Walmart duvet bed, or unpacking in the most beautiful room we picked out in the Dominican Republic, she's there to make you laugh. She's there to shove a tampon up her nose when she gets a nosebleed and still has flakes of her muddy facemask on her skin. She's there to ignore your boyfriend when he's being a dick. She's always there - whether she wants to be or not - and she's my best friend in the world.
11. Nasty Nutella mug cakes. The mug cake you make when you come home from long, stressful months of school, your family watches in disgust as you spoon out Nutella from the jar and crack a raw egg into the mug. They try to teach you about salmonella, and tell you how disgusting it is that you are currently whisking together Nutella and egg yolk. You ignore them, as you wear your big furry bathrobe and stick the mug into the microwave. Mmm... it's like Chocolate souffle!!! Except, a more ratchet version.
12. The sound of the kid's laugh. The way she calls you 'mama' and asks you to pick her up. It's her smile that means the world to you - it's her smile that makes you want to give the whole world to her. She's precious, and you could never understand why anyone would ever give her up. She's perfect in every way. You spin her around for the 50th time, you tuck her into bed, you kiss her forehead when she falls to the ground. Strongest little pal you've ever known. You came here thinking you were going to give so much to them, but the truth is, they give you so much more.
13. Snuggling in thick blankets, mug in hand and Ratatouille playing in front of you. I live for moments to yourself, when you are completely calm, relaxed and comfortable in your own skin. It's for undisturbed moments, for music playing in the background and looking out the window and occasionally seeing a shooting star. It's for wishing, hoping and thinking about who you are and what it means to live. It's for living for yourself.
14. The smell of grapes as you speed down the windy, narrow roads of Healdsburg, California. The sun will never set in this town, country music is blasting from your windows, and your hair is whipping in the warm winds. The sun is glistening on your tan skin. The temperature is just right, and the view is gorgeous - it's a never ending hill of vines that fill your sight. It's the smell of dirt and grapes that make your nose tingle with happiness and fulfilment. It's the smell of summer. The same summer you knew as an 8 year old.
15. Dancing at a club before you're even drunk. All eyes are on you but you don't give any fucks. This is who you are. You dance by yourself, you dance like no one is watching you, you dance like a goof and a goober who doesn't know what you're doing. But the perfect thing is, you don't care, and you're sooooo happy. Your friends are laughing at you, a little embarrassed but nonetheless loving you and singing along. It's a song that you know by heart and can belt out no problem. You don't need drugs or alcohol to live high - this is living on a high.
16. Nights with the girls. The girls you see as your little sisters. The once in a lifetime chance of being able to prefect your seventy babies, and mama them like crazy. You become protective and patient, and you learn to take care of people not other than just yourself anymore. You learn to snuggle them when they get sad at midnight, you hear them sleep talk when you're trying to comfort their roommate, you turn your back when you know they're out showering or making Cup Noodles at 1 am. You do pretend jello shots and borrow their clothes. They fall asleep with you as you watch friends on your bed... It's the experience of a lifetime. One that you wish would never end.
17. Hard shell tacos. (even though all your friends shit on you for A, not liking burritos and B, liking hard shell tacos)
18. The laughy, painful feeling in your stomach after you've been hiking for a long time and you're stuck in the room with two new friends that you've made on this trip. You are all sleep deprived, winded and tired as fuck - but here you are in your sports bra, stinky and laughing your asses off at something so stupid. You never believed in 3 people friend groups, because you've always felt left out or like a third wheel in that kind of situation. But they never ever made you feel that way. They balance you out, they make you laugh like no other. They make you forget about boys and instead of stupid vegan diets they will eat more chocolate bars than you eat. Even though you just met one another, they know more about you than some of your friends. They listen like no other people will and most importantly, they remember every little detail about your life - the name of the boy you just hooked up with, the pet hamster you killed, and the way you pick your hair - even if they're on opposite ends of the globe and have never visited your home before.
19. The many more feelings you've yet to feel, the many more adventures you've yet to venture on, and the many more people you've yet to meet. These are the reasons you live. You've only experienced a small, teensy weensy fraction of your life - you have a whooooole other part of the pie to feel out!! Yes this world is absolutely nuts and there are people that can drive you absolutely bonkers, but laugh some more! Let loose a little, because whatever is hurting you now, whatever person can weigh your heart, you'll be laughing about them in 2 or 3 years. They'll be a speck of dust when you're 28, getting married and sipping Pina Colada on the beach of Greece, with your corgi and hot piece of ass husband (yeah boo, I told you you marry that hot model!!). Life is all about the climb, and the view only gets more spectacular as you keep going up.
So keep going up, my beautiful one. Keep climbing, and keep smiling. Find your reasons to live, find what fills your heart with joy, find the moments when you can say "oh shit! I really, really feel happy right now in this moment!" It's a high like no other.
I love you, and you're never alone.
- teeny tiny & terrified
Every year on my birthday, I write 5 things that I am thankful for. This year, I wanted to do something different, I wanted to be super, duper out of this world grateful and write 19 things I am thankful for, 19 reasons why I love being alive. Since I've had the privilege to be in this world for 19 whole years, I would like to think that there are at least 19 reasons that I find this crazy little world so beautiful, and that there are 19 reasons why I've become the person that I am today.
And if you're low, like you feel lower than the buried bodies in the graves, or that you feel like you have no purpose, or no reason to keep living - here are 19 reasons why I think you should keep going. 19 reasons why there's so much more to explore, so much more to feel. Trust me, okay?
The reason why I live is for...
1. The feeling you get when you're sitting down across your little brother who's laughing so hard, his head is tilted up into the lilac sky. It's a family game (maybe it's not your blood family, but a family you've made) of bananagrams, and your mom is making up words, your dad is throwing tiles on the floor because he's officially losing, and your sister is beating all your asses with her English major from Princeton... It's a wholesome feeling. You know your family isn't perfect, but right now, you know you're in love. You're in love with your family and how they can make you feel - healed. They can heal you. They have the power and the responsibility to bandage this broken heart of yours, and lift your spirits one more time.
2. The one person who strives to be with you. The one person who never gives you up from their side. The one person who texts you on your birthday, even if it's on an international plan at 11 o'clock at night - when you least expect it. It's the one person who shows you that you are worth so much more. So much more than you've ever known. Someone who doesn't call you crazy, who loves you for your flaws and your beautiful bits. Scratch that, who makes your flaws your beautiful bits. It's for the person that loves you for your soul and your pure genuine heart.
4. The butterflies you get in your tummy when you finally learn to let go. When you can finally say the words you've been dying to say, when you can finally come out as who you are. It's for the moment you belt out the words that you've been keeping to yourself for all these years. It's that burst of courage you suddenly get when you can finally sing that note out to the people that you love and shake the Earth.
5. The taste on your lips after you've had the best kiss of your life. It could be in the most ratchet place, but when it's with the most perfect person, everything is perfect. It could be in the paved street of New York, right outside your apartment, where busy bees are still walking the streets. He'll see you from the distance, drop his bags and kiss you right there and then. Who cares who's watching? It's love without boundaries, it's love without any of the distance, any of the problems, any of the insecurities. It's perfect love - when you're just intertwined with one another and only each other.
6. The dinners with your neighbours when they make you spicy fish and you have to pretend like you like fish even though you're having digestive issues and you know this is going to do some whack things to you later in the bathroom... you eat the fish because your old neighbours went through a lot to cook this meal, and want only the best for you. They treat you like their own grandchildren, and smother you in kisses when you come in, and again once you have to leave. They tell stories that seem to never end and always somehow, when you're with them, your eyes start to smile, and it never seems to go away.
7. The moments he tells you with crystals in his eyes "you're glowing".
8. Snow capped mountains. Powder sugared hills, milky slopes and glazed ridges. The world is one beautiful place, with breathtaking sights. It's a sight like no other, a sight that has been untouched. Beautiful for its purity and for its wonder and mystery. Beauty because no man has ever laid a finger on it, because God can make these crazy miracles where the world that starts from uninteresting microscopic cells can become giant, great, big Himalayan mountains.
9. The free dessert that comes when you tell them "Oh it's my friend's birthday", whether you're lying or not, they trust you. The sparklers come out, the little cake and ice cream is brought out by happy waiters with funny moustaches and deep, beautiful singing voices. It's kind of embarrassing, and you're face turns red while other people in the restaurant stop and stare. They gather around your table as the reflection of the candles water your eyes - making them sparkle in the night.
10. Annicka Haines. Bursting through the door to tell a story that she can't even contain herself, or bursting through the door because someone has really pissed her off - she makes your day brighter 1000 times more whenever she walks through the door. Whether its nights squished on my little cheap, Walmart duvet bed, or unpacking in the most beautiful room we picked out in the Dominican Republic, she's there to make you laugh. She's there to shove a tampon up her nose when she gets a nosebleed and still has flakes of her muddy facemask on her skin. She's there to ignore your boyfriend when he's being a dick. She's always there - whether she wants to be or not - and she's my best friend in the world.
11. Nasty Nutella mug cakes. The mug cake you make when you come home from long, stressful months of school, your family watches in disgust as you spoon out Nutella from the jar and crack a raw egg into the mug. They try to teach you about salmonella, and tell you how disgusting it is that you are currently whisking together Nutella and egg yolk. You ignore them, as you wear your big furry bathrobe and stick the mug into the microwave. Mmm... it's like Chocolate souffle!!! Except, a more ratchet version.
12. The sound of the kid's laugh. The way she calls you 'mama' and asks you to pick her up. It's her smile that means the world to you - it's her smile that makes you want to give the whole world to her. She's precious, and you could never understand why anyone would ever give her up. She's perfect in every way. You spin her around for the 50th time, you tuck her into bed, you kiss her forehead when she falls to the ground. Strongest little pal you've ever known. You came here thinking you were going to give so much to them, but the truth is, they give you so much more.
13. Snuggling in thick blankets, mug in hand and Ratatouille playing in front of you. I live for moments to yourself, when you are completely calm, relaxed and comfortable in your own skin. It's for undisturbed moments, for music playing in the background and looking out the window and occasionally seeing a shooting star. It's for wishing, hoping and thinking about who you are and what it means to live. It's for living for yourself.
14. The smell of grapes as you speed down the windy, narrow roads of Healdsburg, California. The sun will never set in this town, country music is blasting from your windows, and your hair is whipping in the warm winds. The sun is glistening on your tan skin. The temperature is just right, and the view is gorgeous - it's a never ending hill of vines that fill your sight. It's the smell of dirt and grapes that make your nose tingle with happiness and fulfilment. It's the smell of summer. The same summer you knew as an 8 year old.
15. Dancing at a club before you're even drunk. All eyes are on you but you don't give any fucks. This is who you are. You dance by yourself, you dance like no one is watching you, you dance like a goof and a goober who doesn't know what you're doing. But the perfect thing is, you don't care, and you're sooooo happy. Your friends are laughing at you, a little embarrassed but nonetheless loving you and singing along. It's a song that you know by heart and can belt out no problem. You don't need drugs or alcohol to live high - this is living on a high.
16. Nights with the girls. The girls you see as your little sisters. The once in a lifetime chance of being able to prefect your seventy babies, and mama them like crazy. You become protective and patient, and you learn to take care of people not other than just yourself anymore. You learn to snuggle them when they get sad at midnight, you hear them sleep talk when you're trying to comfort their roommate, you turn your back when you know they're out showering or making Cup Noodles at 1 am. You do pretend jello shots and borrow their clothes. They fall asleep with you as you watch friends on your bed... It's the experience of a lifetime. One that you wish would never end.
17. Hard shell tacos. (even though all your friends shit on you for A, not liking burritos and B, liking hard shell tacos)
18. The laughy, painful feeling in your stomach after you've been hiking for a long time and you're stuck in the room with two new friends that you've made on this trip. You are all sleep deprived, winded and tired as fuck - but here you are in your sports bra, stinky and laughing your asses off at something so stupid. You never believed in 3 people friend groups, because you've always felt left out or like a third wheel in that kind of situation. But they never ever made you feel that way. They balance you out, they make you laugh like no other. They make you forget about boys and instead of stupid vegan diets they will eat more chocolate bars than you eat. Even though you just met one another, they know more about you than some of your friends. They listen like no other people will and most importantly, they remember every little detail about your life - the name of the boy you just hooked up with, the pet hamster you killed, and the way you pick your hair - even if they're on opposite ends of the globe and have never visited your home before.
19. The many more feelings you've yet to feel, the many more adventures you've yet to venture on, and the many more people you've yet to meet. These are the reasons you live. You've only experienced a small, teensy weensy fraction of your life - you have a whooooole other part of the pie to feel out!! Yes this world is absolutely nuts and there are people that can drive you absolutely bonkers, but laugh some more! Let loose a little, because whatever is hurting you now, whatever person can weigh your heart, you'll be laughing about them in 2 or 3 years. They'll be a speck of dust when you're 28, getting married and sipping Pina Colada on the beach of Greece, with your corgi and hot piece of ass husband (yeah boo, I told you you marry that hot model!!). Life is all about the climb, and the view only gets more spectacular as you keep going up.
So keep going up, my beautiful one. Keep climbing, and keep smiling. Find your reasons to live, find what fills your heart with joy, find the moments when you can say "oh shit! I really, really feel happy right now in this moment!" It's a high like no other.
I love you, and you're never alone.
- teeny tiny & terrified
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