I Love You

“Why haven’t you said it yet?”

When those words came flying out of my mouth like they were racehorses trapped behind doors dying to be released, I was surprised by the relief that overcame me instead of the embarrassment I was expecting when I’ve asked that question.

He looked at me, pretending to be puzzled. I knew he knew. I rolled my eyes, probably smacked him hard on the arm, and stormed away arms crossed. His overwhelming positivity always saw my anger as “cute” and knew I wouldn’t and couldn’t stay mad. So like all the other times, he chased. 

“I was going to!! Tonight!”

I kept walking. 

“Please.”

I stopped.

“Give me 15 minutes. Tops. Wait right here, okay?”

He started running and and like a lost puppy with his rich chocolate eyes, he kept turning around to reassure me that he was going to back. I was on the surface, confused by what he was doing, but deep down I was smiling inwards. What was this guy’s big plan?

It was a chilly november night. The weather almost too cold to be outside, but I didn’t care. I remember that night he showed me the patch of stars, the picnic blanket he laid on the cold, crisp grass. I remember the single candle and the music. Nothing could have been more last minute than this. Nothing could have been more perfect.

The night was a blur, one of those memories that I’ve tucked back in my mind because I refuse to get it tainted. There was the laughing, the phone-app that he used to find constellations, and of course the dorm food he gathered before sprinting over. There were even not-so-good moments. Moments where we got into those little quarrels we get into, moments where my insecurities got the best of me.

But nothing will ever taint the moment when the first “I love you” rolled off his tongue. Not even the moment before, when I knew he was going to say it, because he turned his head slowly to look at me, his eyes a pinch watery like they always are when he’s about to say something important. Not even the moment after, when I saw his scared face when I said nothing, because I thought my heart was beating too loud, I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to hear me say it back. It took me fifteen minutes, when my heart finally settled, when I could finally say “fuck it” to my fear of admitting the truth. I finally looked at him and surprisingly my “I love you too” flowed effortlessly like a symphony from my heart. 

“I love you” seemed like such a big deal at the time. I remember thinking saying it meant that it was real, that the stress of a high school relationship all the sudden became this real thing - this thing that I would have to work hard at. Little did I know, saying it was like finally being able to say the unspoken truth, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders  - finally understanding why the hell I’ve been feeling the way I do, to understand why I’d do crazy things for this stupid boy, why I cared so much about him. “I love you” was the truth and the truth is always better prevailed than unspoken. 

There’s no good way to say it. Now that to me “I love you” is just another moment in the past, I don’t think I would have cared where and when he said it or where and when he admitted it. It would have been perfect in any way. “I love you” isn’t all cotton candy though. It’s a battle that you’ve accepted, to fight for what you have, and to be there for your person. It’s a scary thing. But there is a calm that follows when two people who connect can finally admit why they connect. And in that moment it seems like the world finally makes some sort of sense.

Love is never what you think it is. Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily-angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, and it always perseveres.

My love for you will always persevere - no matter what shape it takes, no matter if it becomes a friendly love from a romantic love.  I choose to love, I choose to battle for you even if at times it may seem like it isn't worth the effort. But everyone needs love. And you still have it, you will always have it, even to this day - this non-wavering, unconditional love. I would give you anything to put that goofy smile of yours on that face. I am so proud of you. So so proud - and I hope one day if you need a person to tell you to check yourself, when people are too scared to tell you the truth, or if you need a person to tell you that you got this, that you are beautiful - I hope you think of this, I hope you think of me.

Because at the end of the day, I will always persevere - no matter how far, no matter how long, no matter how much you hate me - to make your world a better place. To make you happy - truly, freely, and goodly.