The Other F Word
"I fucked up".
Three words - that seem to be the most important three words to me these past few months, and probably will be for the next few months of my life.
"I fucked up"
How do you put down your guard? How do you for one second take all the anger and all the frustration you have for the pain you feel in your life, for the situations and circumstances in your life and just take a deep breath and admit "I fucked up".
I fucked up, guys. I fucked up real bad.
For so many times in my life, I've always been so fucking stubborn and desperate to find another outlet/scapegoat to place the boulders of blame. I tell myself it's not my fault so that I can live with myself. And now, I can barely live with myself. I feel disgusted with myself more than ever. I feel like I've lost all my respect for myself, that my sisters have lost respect for me, that the adults that saw me as this "perfect" role-model is just another disappointment - one when they see, shake their heads in let down.
I let you down.
I am so sorry. I am so embarrassed. I am so selfish, not watching out for the people that I had responsibility to take care of. I try to make everyone as happy as they expect themselves to be, because for some reason I feel this overwhelming pressure to deliver this picture-perfect experience. But I can't. I never learn that I can't.
I just want to make people happy.
But I think for the first time, I realise, I can't make people happy without making myself happy first. I wish I had this magic power were I could sit and heal people. I wish I would never have to think about myself. I wish I could go escape my the rain clouds I call my mind, this black hole in my head where it doesn't believe it's anywhere close to being beautiful, deserving or special - yet somehow makes herself a priority. A black hole that was created when things happened that made no sense to me - that still make no sense to me, that is still being done to me.
When things that we can't control happen to us, it's extremely frustrating and it leaves us questioning: Why?
Why?
A question that unfortunately nobody but yourself gets to answer, gets to accept. And for some reason, this year, this terrible, god-awful year, there are no answers. There's only acceptation. I'm done seeking answers. I can now only accept the worst, and I just want to be at peace. At peace. The last time I was at peace was maybe freshman year - and I miss that side of me. I miss my passion for things, I wish I didn't put my passion in one single person. One single person who turns out to not be anything that I thought I knew. One who's happiness has always come before mine. One who has endlessly disappointed me.
I've never been so disappointed in my life.
But, for starters, we have to start and look at ourselves first. To really look at ourselves in the mirror, the wounds, and the guilt - acceptance is so hard to do. Letting go of your pride is even harder. When everything feels like people are doing nothing but judging you, when it feels like you've just drowned, you have to tell yourself it's okay to make mistakes.
Let me say it again - It's okay to make mistakes. I guess it's part of growing up. I guess it's what you get for someone who doesn't want to stay in their comfort zone - who is willing to do anything to find love, who is willing to do things for people that you love.
The most important thing you can learn from your failure is that failure today, is necessary for a successful tomorrow.
I fucked up. and I am so sorry. I will never make the mistakes I've made again. College is hard, love is hard, life is hard!!! But I guess, the strongest warriors get the worst thrown at them right? So where do you find the courage and the will to keep fighting? You look back at Chris Berry-Toon, you look back at your brother, your parents, your sister, you look at your Locke babies, at Annicka Haines, Lindsay Stahlkrandtz, at Jane Kim, at Blair - and you fight, because they're fighting too - they're cheering for you. Just like you would do for them.
If you fucked up, I pray that you find the courage to swallow your pride and I hope you're praying, honest, finished, and ready to feel at peace. Though my faith is wavering - I'm at the third 500 right? (omg just crew things ;)) and you know that the light is closing in - it just has to.
Being good is about fighting for that good everyday, even when it feels absolutely useless, like it means nothing - you fight for good to avoid being numb, for good because there is enough bad in this world.
Because you were born to be good.
You were born to love to the fullest - so go do what you were born to do. I love you.
You're never alone.
-still teeny, tiny& terrified
Three words - that seem to be the most important three words to me these past few months, and probably will be for the next few months of my life.
"I fucked up"
How do you put down your guard? How do you for one second take all the anger and all the frustration you have for the pain you feel in your life, for the situations and circumstances in your life and just take a deep breath and admit "I fucked up".
I fucked up, guys. I fucked up real bad.
For so many times in my life, I've always been so fucking stubborn and desperate to find another outlet/scapegoat to place the boulders of blame. I tell myself it's not my fault so that I can live with myself. And now, I can barely live with myself. I feel disgusted with myself more than ever. I feel like I've lost all my respect for myself, that my sisters have lost respect for me, that the adults that saw me as this "perfect" role-model is just another disappointment - one when they see, shake their heads in let down.
I let you down.
I am so sorry. I am so embarrassed. I am so selfish, not watching out for the people that I had responsibility to take care of. I try to make everyone as happy as they expect themselves to be, because for some reason I feel this overwhelming pressure to deliver this picture-perfect experience. But I can't. I never learn that I can't.
I just want to make people happy.
But I think for the first time, I realise, I can't make people happy without making myself happy first. I wish I had this magic power were I could sit and heal people. I wish I would never have to think about myself. I wish I could go escape my the rain clouds I call my mind, this black hole in my head where it doesn't believe it's anywhere close to being beautiful, deserving or special - yet somehow makes herself a priority. A black hole that was created when things happened that made no sense to me - that still make no sense to me, that is still being done to me.
When things that we can't control happen to us, it's extremely frustrating and it leaves us questioning: Why?
Why?
A question that unfortunately nobody but yourself gets to answer, gets to accept. And for some reason, this year, this terrible, god-awful year, there are no answers. There's only acceptation. I'm done seeking answers. I can now only accept the worst, and I just want to be at peace. At peace. The last time I was at peace was maybe freshman year - and I miss that side of me. I miss my passion for things, I wish I didn't put my passion in one single person. One single person who turns out to not be anything that I thought I knew. One who's happiness has always come before mine. One who has endlessly disappointed me.
I've never been so disappointed in my life.
But, for starters, we have to start and look at ourselves first. To really look at ourselves in the mirror, the wounds, and the guilt - acceptance is so hard to do. Letting go of your pride is even harder. When everything feels like people are doing nothing but judging you, when it feels like you've just drowned, you have to tell yourself it's okay to make mistakes.
Let me say it again - It's okay to make mistakes. I guess it's part of growing up. I guess it's what you get for someone who doesn't want to stay in their comfort zone - who is willing to do anything to find love, who is willing to do things for people that you love.
The most important thing you can learn from your failure is that failure today, is necessary for a successful tomorrow.
I fucked up. and I am so sorry. I will never make the mistakes I've made again. College is hard, love is hard, life is hard!!! But I guess, the strongest warriors get the worst thrown at them right? So where do you find the courage and the will to keep fighting? You look back at Chris Berry-Toon, you look back at your brother, your parents, your sister, you look at your Locke babies, at Annicka Haines, Lindsay Stahlkrandtz, at Jane Kim, at Blair - and you fight, because they're fighting too - they're cheering for you. Just like you would do for them.
If you fucked up, I pray that you find the courage to swallow your pride and I hope you're praying, honest, finished, and ready to feel at peace. Though my faith is wavering - I'm at the third 500 right? (omg just crew things ;)) and you know that the light is closing in - it just has to.
Being good is about fighting for that good everyday, even when it feels absolutely useless, like it means nothing - you fight for good to avoid being numb, for good because there is enough bad in this world.
Because you were born to be good.
You were born to love to the fullest - so go do what you were born to do. I love you.
You're never alone.
-still teeny, tiny& terrified
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