First Loves

First loves
Last forever,
they don't disappear like that
They show me the kind of love that I want
That I can be
Unafraid, brave, I jumped in -

With no expectation of hurt
With my arm ready, my heart in my palm, aiming at his
With the assumption he'll be there to catch it
My precious heart
With everything I have
With everything opened
My mind -
My body -
My heart -
You knew my secrets
The flowers that were broken
The flowers that were blossoming
The flowers that were healing
in my heart
With all my love
Everything
For you

I should have asked
Are you going to catch me?

Are you going to catch me?

But you turned around
But you wanted to see someone new
But you wanted her to write you letters
And you turned around
as my heart
shattered
like a lost glass slipper

Why wasn't I enough?
You showed me a love I didn't know

A tainted one
A grey love

A love where I see now
Everywhere
Everywhere
Even when I don't want to see
I don't want this
This vision -
A love where people cheat
A love where every single couple
Can't love one another to the fullest
Where people lie
Where people harm each other because of their hurt

I thought it was wrong of me
To not cheat
To look at you like you were the only person in the world
The one person I wanted to give everything to
To make you happy
To be with forever
I didn't mind having the same lips on my forehead
every morning
I didn't mind stroking your hair while you snored away
I didn't mind distance
I didn't mind surprising you on visits
I didn't mind sending you care packages

I was wrong
Because now
That isn't what love is to me

Even though you thought you loved me
I shouldn't have been so mean
And I apologize
I wasn't in the right place

I was so mad at you

For ruining love for me.

For opening doors to darkness
Doors I didn't think existed
Doors I thought would never open up for me

But I'm not in the right place
I don't believe you loved me
I don't believe you love me

I forgive you
And I'm sorry I loved you in the wrong way last year
I was bitter
I was hurt
And I didn't know what to do
Was I supposed to equal the hurt?
I think I thought that was the right thing to do
But it wasn't
Because that's not who I am
You know who I am
At least I hope you do
I will never be the person that you saw last year
You know I would love you right
You know I love you right
You know it in your heart

But you don't love me

Love is what you've shown me
A hallucination
A way to look for someone better
I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you
I'm sorry I scared you away

I hope you find what you're looking for

I hope I define what love means to me again