Pick-Me-Ups of the Week #8

Dear Blogworld,

Let me just start off by saying, this entry is going to be pretty shit. I'm having a lot of trouble with my writing, and I feel like I've lost my voice. I've lost my supercalifragilisticexpialidocious way of vomiting words into something I find meaningfully jumbled. Trust me, if you could look into my draft box, you would see it filled with entries I feel like are not good enough and too scared to publish for you. I don't want to disappoint you.

But I say enough is enough, and it's time for a pick-me-up, no matter how shitty I feel, no matter how hopeless I feel. I have to try. Just like you do too.

So here we go. I apologise if I make matters worse, I hope you still have faith in me :(

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Do you ever feel like nothing is going your way, that the world is being a bit of a bitch to you, that nothing has worked out in so long, you're not sure what's keeping you going, what's filling you with hope?

I miss my best friends. I miss not having to be weird about being a Christian, because everyone knew how I felt and respected it. I hate that I can't even find a good time to go to Christian Fellowship, because it conflicts with my fucking schedule (thanks jesus !).  I hate having to talk like I might step on a landmine. I hate not being able to go up to everybody and hug them ferociously or jump Lauren hug them. I hate being scared of talking in class, of having my palms sweaty because I'm so fucking nervous that my opinion is dumb and that my presentation that I prepared for makes no sense. I miss my quirkiness, my weirdness... me - My ability to walk around campus in boxers, ready to scream funky words and dance whenever my soul wants to dance.

I got a little bit of that courage today. I got a little bit of me back today, with my crew girls------ and then I find that people are making fun of me, and that overwhelming zoom into those snickering faces start to fill me with an anxiety that stops me from being me and freeze. The friends of my sister's text her how "annoying your little sister is". Ugh. Can we all just stop??

stop it!!!

This is where you step in, blogworld. You always seem to know just how to listen, to raise me up - and trust me after one long month - this is much needed. So let me just say - from the bottom of my heart - thank you. You are so damn beautiful.

#1

The stupa. The sacred place where Buddha's relics were buried. The stupa is significant because of its power and its authority. The whole point of a stupa is so that it physically resembles Buddha himself -The head, his mind and his characteristics. The lavish gold touches, and the circumambulation that one must journey in order to find Nirvana is truly something special. It is truly a type of reflection on yourself that I wish I had - the ability to self-evaluate and choose to make time for making yourself better, reflecting. This is so cool!!! Going to Nepal raised a lot of questions for me, especially as a Christian. I never understood how kind, good and passionate followers of Buddhism or Islam or truly any other religions fall in a Christian concept of people who ultimately don't get to end up in heaven. This to me is perplexing. Isn't God supposed to love all? Even those who are different? However, sometimes I think about what my freshman year religion teacher taught me - the theory of those who believe that each religion is just a path, that ultimately those paths all lead and intertwine on its climb to the same peak - reach the same goal. That theory is amazing - and one that I choose to believe in - because my God wouldn't be that unforgiving. 

As I was scrolling through my Instagram, I stumbled upon the Rustic Pathways account. Every time I see prayer flags in my friends room, whether on FaceTime with Rachel or Hannah S., or even on snapchats - I'm always pleasantly surprised that people know what they are, and how they have them. I think it's special. It's a ritual that we all put hope in and admire, even if it isn't our religion. So when I saw the prayer flags flapping in the wind in Rustic's Instagram photo, my heart fell in love all over again, remembering my time in Nepal with the world's greatest people.

On the Instagram it said: 

#2

A quote - 

"Prayer flags should never be still. They are specifically put in high places so that they can be carried by the wind like silent prayers."

At that, I thought of Las Vegas. Another thing in my life that will never, ever make sense. Aren't we all tired of seeing tragedy after tragedy? I don't care who I am, American or not, No matter what religion I come from, I hope my prayers will be carried by the wind and go on to mean something - from dust storms of hope and begging to soaring in the air into the hearts of those who are suffering from this, and feeling the beauty I pray for them. It just has to. 

I pray for strength, beauty, and healing for those affected. You are so brave.

#3

Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this. I am so damn tired and honestly I think this is my first Pick-Me-Ups that I failed. I failed you. I fail all the time guys. I can barely lift my own spirits up and I can't imagine what I could possibly do for you and I'm really sorry.

The truth is - I honestly am questioning how to get out of this spiral of shitty events that keep hitting me like tidal waves. I'm scared my faith is lessening and my hope for good is diminishing. Maybe it's all my fault, maybe it's timing but no matter the case, I am hurting. I am struggling. I am trying soooo hard to be the good person in all of this, but no matter what, I always end up feeling this anxiety that I'm not doing enough, that I am not good enough, that I deserve this. 

I know this isn't advice, or truly anything that put a smile on your face, but if it helps, know that you're not alone - and I know I say this a lot, repeatedly but sometimes I don't think it sinks into your head - just stop to think about this for one second - you are not alone.

You are not alone.

You're not alone in your dark thoughts, in your dark deeds, in your dark pit. The pit, the dip you're stuck in. There's someone there battling alongside you - wanting to throw you a sword. Let's fight the demons together.

Because if there's anyone I could fight with, I would fight with you.

And maybe after I heal - when you fall - I can finally pick you up once again.

You are never alone. (Think about that!)

                                                                                                    - teeny, tiny & terrified