Glimmer in the Dust

You know in a moment - for just a moment - there is a single glimmer. A milisecond of life, a pinch of light and just a single bar of symphonic music. You hear it. Life. Hope. Love. An explosion of colours.

All of it is real.
All of it is messy, everywhere, but real.

You’ll never guess where I am writing from. Oh my goodness, mom would kill me
if she knew I was up here!!! God, I wish you were here to take this in with me. When I was younger and an angsty teenager, I'd escape through this little window up in the loft where I knew my parents would never find me. I'd fill the walls with black soot smudges, and my parents would never be able to climb through this little window like I could, scratch that, like I still can. I haven't done this in a long, long time, so when I stood up, wiping the soot of my sweatshirt, my heart was filled with goodness. I climbed higher, and higher. I climbed until I reached my favorite spot, the tippiest top; where I can lay there, sit there with my thoughts, while the world spun around me. Funny how you can be so high up, yet the little people below you don't even notice you. There are glimmers of hope just glistening through these bumpy clouds. Hong Kong is one amazing city. I mean, look at those mountains and those skyscrapers. How does urban and rural intertwine like that to become something so beautiful? In moments like these, all I can do is lift my arms up, on this little roof, and feel the winds blow through my hair. God has filled me with wonder. I have always been a wonderer and a world wanderer. I will always be searching for the most beautiful parts of the world. I will always be exploding with wonder, wonder for the world, wonder for love, and wonder for God. In moments like these, I can only ask God to make me better, deserving to this beautiful world. In moments like these, all I can do is pray - and pray that I become more like God, that I forgive myself, that I know once again, that I am going to do wonder in this world.

It's so easy to be wrapped up in the darkness. It is so easy to walk away, to coward into our pit. It's so easy for this season to not feel like Christmas at all. Home doesn't feel like home, God doesn't seem like He's ever here, and things in your life feel like they are missing, like they will never make sense. 2017 was not your year. 2017 was the year of eclipse, the one you know you will look back at, and wish never happened. It will be one of those years you look back at at the age of 26 and still can't help but feel your heart sink to the pit of your stomach and your tears well up in your crystal eyes. It was the year of death, of loss, of immense heartbreak, of tremendous sadness and of confusion - things that just didn't make any sense. It was the year that you were confused more than ever about the meaning of love. Did he really love me? I don't know. Why am I not enough? I don't know. Why did she have to die? I don't know.

I don't know.

Yet

We live on. We are still here. For some reason, we are still here, fighting.

We must stand our ground. We must. The whole point of this blog, of this little life of mine, of this universe - is to give strength to those who deserve to live on, who deserve to have love, who have felt like they fall short. I wish you knew how much your strength and your kindness inspires me, how much your perseverance inspires me. I want to be just like you.

Truth be told, I stole this title from a song. This song raised me out of my pit. It does so every time. It reminds me of home, of church services next to Cody, of the Christmas tree in the corner of the chapel, of Pastor Wade always smiling at me when he realizes I've come home. It reminds me of auntie Erica and auntie Karen's big hugs, of the aunties in the congregation always telling me I look like a movie star, telling me that I am beautiful - and for the only times in my life I genuinely feel beautiful. Home reminds me of the boys in my youth group, confessing their loves to me and the girls, as I cover my ears going "LALALA", hoping that these boys wouldn't ruin our friendships. But, what they made me realize, was that they loved me completely for who I was, no matter how weird I was, because not a moment in Church would I hide who I am, would I try to be someone I am not. Community Church in Hong Kong is my home, and there will never be a moment when I am not nostalgic for it. I didn't even truly realise how homesick I was until I stepped into church. At Princeton, I have been struggling so much with feeling moved by God. I told this to my friend Lizzie, that sometimes I feel like, I go to church and I want to be moved so much that it brings me to tears. I haven't really felt that way in a long, long time. Just when I thought that was never going to happen again, I come home. I come home, and it's like, all the services that I visited, all the fear and tension in my chest, finally disappears. I come home, and it's like my family is ready to take my burden. It's like they've wrapped me up in my soft, wooly blanket. It's like they wanted me to let it out, and there and then, naturally, the tears came raining. I love being home. Being home is like, eating a big block of cheese and feeling okay about my body, about having a tummy. Being home is like, laughing so hard in matching pyjamas, eating cookies with no makeup. Being home is like, when the diamonds from my eyes finally all come out. Being home is like, exhaling out all of the anger, fear and sadness in life, finally, I am home.

So - this song - Glimmer in the Dust - is a song by Hillsong, and like every other song I find, I stumbled across it during my Spotify stalking sessions - when I stalk Spotify as far as I possibly can, all the way until I can find a song that I genuienly enjoy. Notice how this song is called Glimmer In the Dust, and the album is called Wonder. Here I am, speaking about glimmers of hope and being filled with wonder! Coincidence? I think not! It's so important to keep that curiousity you have for life and for God, to always be filled with that kind of wonder.

There are a few lyrics that I wanted to share with you, and it goes:

"When all's said and done all that matters is love / I know that You love me
So let love take over  / I know that You love me
Not just in part, but in all that You are / Your love never fails
Let Your love take over / Your love never fails"

When you listen to this song, you just know that God was there in this person writing this song. You just know she was filled with enchanment, wonder and love: because this song is so beautiful. Every word is inspiring, every word is a masterpiece.

When I heard the lyric: "I know that You love me", at first I thought nothing of it. Like duh, of course I knew that God loves me, But, after a few days, listening to this song again, the truth is, I realized I didn't really know that God loves me. Like, I can't fathom this concept fully. I am so so flawed, I have made so many mistakes, I can't fathom him loving me like that. I mean, what does that even mean? I realized I had doubted myself and God for far too long. I have had the worst outlook on life this year. I just don't get so many things and I wanted things to make sense, Karma to kick in... But karma does not exist. The thing is, Christianity doesn't work like that, Lauren. You don't believe in Karma! The truth is, I don't know that God loves me, how he loves me so so much with this kind of unbreakable, perfect love. I am amazed that he loves me more than I will ever imagine, I mean more than I love pizza, more than I love my family, more than I love my prefectees, and yes, more than I love God himself. He will do anything for me, he isn't purposely trying to make me miserable, you know what I mean? So, I guess, all of this bad, all of this evil, it'll all be redeemed. It will all be okay. It will all be worth it. You know why it'll all be okay? Because God loves me. And when you love someone, you will do anything of their happiness. As long as I have faith, courage and hope in God, then all of this will work out. Ya know what I mean, jellybean?

So keep that in mind, maybe you don't know that God loves you. And if you're just realizing, well, golly! That's a lot of love God has for me!! That realization is so, so beautiful and heartwarming, and I hope you discover that everyday. God loves you so much and He will not fail you. Right now, things may not seem smooth and happy, but He will fill your life with love, he will fill your heart with so much love. I truly believe that. Because when all's said and done all that matters is love, so let love take over. Let love take over.

You're never alone.

                                                                                                     - teeny, tiny & terrified.

Please listen to this song because I really think it'll warm your heart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYWgeEoVmhI


        


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