teeny, tiny, & thankful
hello
thank you.
Thank you. two simple words.
Two words that don't even really require more than approximately two movements of lip muscles and cheek muscles.
Come on, mouthe it with me right now, thank you.
Now emphasis on you.
You.
You - the reflection in your phone right now, when you open Snapchat and see that beautiful face. You, the one who spends so much time working hard, thinking about other people, thinking about beautiful thoughts. You, the one who has that perfectly wavy hair, the beautiful goofy smile you've never even gotten to seen on yourself. That smile, that crescent moon. You are the moon. Thank you. Thank you for being my moon.
You.
You are superb, you are amazing, you are beautiful.
Words cannot describe how much time I spent on this blog falling into a slip of darkness. A darkness that everyone who knows me will understand everything that I went through this year. Every time I open up to someone, people will look at me with that same expression - the one with the puppy dog eyes, and if they really care, with puppy dog eyes that are a little teary, and then they all say the same thing: "Oh Lauren... I'm so sorry."
Then I'll smile, and say "no please!! Don't worry about me, I'm really okay... How about you? What happened with [enter any event that you've been through here]..."
and like that, the subject will change, and my heart will feel a little wince of pain, but don't get me wrong!! So so so so much happiness that I am able to listen to you. I am the world's luckiest girl, to sit and listen to you and your beautiful thoughts. I think this all the time.
I guess, this didn't really occur to me until today. When I sat in Ari and Emma's room and listened to my girls. The way I learned to do, the way I would like when someone would listen to me. Over the years, I've grown conscious about the way I talk, how long I talk for and what I'm talking about. I'm mightily afraid of talking about myself for far too long about the same thing that no one would want to hear. I learned this my junior year of High School. Spewing about my problem with someone, and one of my best friends telling me: "Lauren. Stop. I don't want to listen to this anymore. This is stupid."
Since that day, I've been so self conscious of talking about "stupid" things. I am silent about things that I think make people uncomfortable or are sick of hearing. I keep it in myself, or outlet it out here. I am so scared of boring people, I am so scared of what people think.
So, as I sat there in Emma and Ari's room, they asked me about my life. These little babies of mine, who I spent the year joyfully listening to, nurturing, they told me how they worried about me given all the shit that has happened to me. I mean, guys, that's when you know you've hit a low - when your babies are the ones who are worried about you! Oh no. Life must not being going well.
And the truth is it isn't. I know when I'm at a high, and I can tell you for sure, I am not there.
Emma sat there and told me: "I think you put other people's happiness in front of your own."
and I think that's the first time anyone has ever told me that, or that I've really realized that about myself. It still amazes me that these babies of mine are so wise and beautiful in their thoughts sometimes. What they realize about me, I would never realize about myself sometimes. Maybe it isn't true, and maybe sometimes I am selfish, but over the past few months, I have been truly considering what the people I love want, and I think at the end of the day, as Ari was explaining today as well - the world has a way of balancing out pain and happiness. And I would want the people I love to love me to the fullest, and to want the best for me as well. So even if it hurts, why wouldn't I want happiness for the people that I love?
That seems like a no brainer right?
But it's hard. It's really hard. Especially when you love someone so much and cherish them so badly. Doing the right thing, at the end of the day is what I strive to do, and I feel like after a loooong time, I am finally able to do a chain of good things - of doing the right thing.
Today, as my dad and my brother went to the Blair basketball game and me, being too embarrassed to see everyone, I drove.
I drove to the ends of Blairstown, going through the snowy roads, windows down with the cold crisp air. Country music about backroads playin on full blast. I drove (under the speed limit OF COURSE) through one-lane bridges, frozen ponds and lakes, and windy roads that were steeper than chimneys. I love driving. I have not a thought in the world and I feel so at peace. I love going through those Blairstown tunnels as well. I love disappearing for a second and coming back up into the light. There is so much hope in the journey.
I love that in Blairstown, no matter where you go on the backroads, it always leads back to the main road. The one where you belong - the familiarity of home. I love that feeling, finding out almost all of the backroads are connected. I guess in those moments I feel most at home.
Today, I broke into St. Jude's. I was the only car in the parking lot, and I thank God that the door was opened. I entered the dark chapel, got down on my knees in one of the pews and smiled. I smiled because I could finally, finally be with God. Just me and Him.
There, I prayed. I prayed like I've never prayed before. I laid it all down, the truth - and for the first time in a long time, I felt beautiful when I prayed. God made me realize that everything that I strived to do, trying to do the right thing, trying to be happy for those that I love, for being at Princeton and focusing that the reason why I'm here is beacause I 'm going to use this major to help people to the best of my abilities and to change the world. I realized that who I am, what I am doing, where I am going, is because of how much love I have for other people, for God... and for the longest time, I've always felt like I've been in a bad place. Truth is, I'm not. My mind is in the right place.
The most important thing is, my heart is in the right place. Just because you've had a heartbreak, does not mean that that heartbreak has ruined your heart. Your heart is still your heart. It may be broken, but it isn't dead - it hasn't turned color, it is still beautifully pure and colorful. And I guess I am actually proud of myself for that, for recognizing that my heart isn't bad. So, be proud of yourself, for moments at the end of the day all you want to do is help people and be good. I can't emphasize this enough, when you choose goodness over evilness, you are so so beautiful. When you choose to be kind, or take a step back before you accuse someone of "subtweeting" (or whatever these gals call it) you. When you choose not to make fun of others, or when you ask someone about their day. You're you. The good you.
I wish I could recite the prayer I gave today. I wish I could show you how beautiful you are when you pray, when you think of things that you are thankful for, for seeing beauty in others, even those who broke you, asking for forgiveness and recognizing your wrongs, and thanking God that your beautiful brother takes moments to ask the most pure, and holy questions - like why do we sometimes act like God is a vending machine? Or a genie? I prayed that at the end of the day, I choose to do the right thing. The moral thing. That's what is most important.
Anyways, all food for thought. I hope this lightened your day. I know I am going through a bit of a dark lull - but I know I'm going to make it out. Thank you for listening to me, thank you for being you. I love you.
You're never alone, beautiful x
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