It's Not Supposed to Look Easy

***Disclaimer***: If you are my mother or any of my aunts from church or my grandma's very Taiwanese sister that keeps sending me memes on facebook - IM SO SORRY - COVER YOUR EYES - CLOSE THIS IMMEDIATELY!! I warned you!!!!!!!!!!


-



They say that anything you say when you're sad is beautiful.

Can we agree to disagree?


My blog has become my safe haven. A place where beautiful people who care about me try to see how I'm doing through my overdramatic, barbaric tapping of a runny-nose stained keyboard, producing sticky words I like to call "poetry". A place where people who have not talked to me in a long, long while, are wondering how I turned out. A place where people randomly stumble upon when they see my Facebook posts or stalk my instagram (Yeah, I see you). A place where I know the girls back at Blair are looking to me for advice and guidance. Maybe it's a place where you think I have everything together and are wondering how I possibly do it. Maybe it's a place where you think I may reveal the spicy secret and mystery of getting into Prince-ton, oooooo. Or maybe, it's a place you go to to feel okay about your life, because you know if you come here, you'll have a good chuckle from the mess that I like to call my life. hahaha ha ha- *crying noises*. Either way, I know when you stumble upon this blog, clicking through each silly picture or funny title, what matters is one thing to me - and that is that you learn the one most true thing about me - that no, I absolutely, undoubtfully, most positively do not have my life together.

Let me let you in on a little secret:

Since the moment of the very beginning of 2017 to 2018 present, my life has been what can only be described as the downward swirley motion of the liquid dump in your toilet from a satisified flush after a good, long poo.

Here are a few of those things that have contributed to that spiral of misery:

1) I have lost one of my sweet, sweet Freshman girls to a horrifying skiing accident - and I don't think I handled that in the best way.
2) I have been rejected from Amhearst, Yale, Wesleyan and Pomona and many, many more.
3) I really thought that Trinity was going to be the only school to accept me.
4) Sometimes, It's hard for me to believe that I got into Princeton on my own, especially when people around me think the same thing.
5) My dream summer job that I really, really wanted, lost, yes, I am the 0.00001% chance of that happening, lost my application and I was not even considered for the job.
6) I've only ever gotten into trouble with my High School after I graduated, and I feel ashamed of hurting two of the people that I should have been taking better care of - and I hurt the people who care about them as well.
7) I got a C in one of my courses at Princeton as an overall grade!
8) My very special puppy died.
9) I got out of a pretty long relationship, and whatever worst situation you think could happen with an ex has probably, most likely - nope. 100% - all happened to me!
10) I fulfilled Princeton Varsity Crew Team's worst fear, I quit crew after half a year, and proceeded to make my ex-coach so angry that she shook with fiery. Yikes.
11) I started struggling with self-image.
12) I have nooooooooooooooooooo idea what I want to major in! Nor do I know what I want to do in life, like, at all!
13) I fell on my face in front of a 64 people lecture.
14) Accidentally dyed my hair red.
15) Realized that many people in my past don't actually have time to be there for me.
16) Felt disrespected and disgusted, somehow, with myself  because someone else had invaded, assaulted and most of all betrayed every part of me - no means no.
17) Considered dropping out of college.
18) Freshman 15 is real.
19) Fought with every family member possible this summer to the point of bringing myself as well as them to tears.
20) Accidentally went backstage of a music festival and stole DJ Ookay's pizza.
21) Eaten an entire XXL pie of pizza by myself (No shame).
22) Didn't poo for 2 weeks.
23) Asked a senior boy to make out with me! Without ever talking to him beforehand! In which he said no to! I do not blame him!
24) Shoved tampons up my nose to stop a what Emma Nolan would describe as a dying woman's chunky, never ending nose bleed.
25) Been broke AF.
26) Gotten an F on a paper.
27) Been cheated on!
28) Sent a nice, lovely paragraph to my ex to only wait after a long hour of suspense to have him respond so lovingly - wait for it - "no."
29) Have mom forgotten to call me in 4 weeks, and only text me when a circumsicion experience went south (She is a pediatrician bless her soul).
30) Locked myself out of my room after showering not once, but twice - and having to do the walk of shame in a towel to housing - yes, it was on the 5th floor of a very crowded building, and yes, there was a receptionist as well who popped up from her desk to make a very disturbed face, reacting to my very nerdy green bathrobe.
31) Felt absolutely zero need to be with a boy, and actually felt damn good about being alone. I don't need no manz! Yeah, feminism!  I am Beyonce!
32) Felt lonely AF, ate chocolate and ugly cried into a pillow all night wondering why the Lord Jesus hates me and given me no boyfriend, no manz, and NO Josh Duhamel?!
33) Ordered myself cookie-dough cupcakes from Baked by Melissa, addressing it to myself and writing myself cute love notes. Yaaas, pretty mama, slaaaay. - Love, Lauren.
34) Cried over the fact that my favorite Jesus cross necklace broke, and genuinenly called my mom in a panic, ridiculously worrying and believing that Jesus may actually not like me back.
35) Been asked out on a packed train to Fordham by a very high man (in which I genuienly thought he was somehow hiding a dead skunk, YAY to my innocence), to only tell him "no" and awkwardly having to continue to face him and stand far too close to him for 7 more stops.
36) Cried about my white furry decor pillow I put on my bed because it looked too much like my dead dog.........


So honey, I hope after you read this you feel a leeeetle bit better about your life. I hope you've laughed and felt the same connection I've had to those who are brave enough to open up to me. Because there is one thing that I learned this year, not everything that we are going to do in life is going to be beautiful. In fact, strange beauty can be prevailed in times where you find that you can, in fact, laugh at yourself. There are going to be moments in life that are quite disastrously ugly, like, puking neon orange, nacho doritos vomit on your crush and a boat full of boys ugly (yes this did happen, ask any boy in my 8th grade youth group lol).

When life throws you certain ugly lemons, we tend to want to hide our circumstances and put on a mask of bubble-gum smiles, oversized gucci sunglasses, and balayaged hair - instead of making lemonade; lemonade that is only good when there is that teensy tang of sourness. There is no reason for you to post that sexy, sunny LA bikini pic on instagram if you feel like you have something to prove (unless of course you want to post it because #bodyconfidence and you feel damn sexy as you should of course). There is no reason for you to make life look easy and picture-perfect, when it's just - not.

It's not supposed to look easy. In fact, I think people would appreciate it if you could stop looking so gosh darn perfect. No one really goes through life thinking XD XD ROFLMAO LOLOLOL - OMG THAT CALI SUN #BLESSED #PERFECT #SANTORINI #FLORIDA #ANY-BASIC-SUNNY-PLACE-YOU-CAN-THINK-OF #SELFIE #STARBUXXXXXXXXX #UGGSEASON #MY-LIFE-IS-PUMPKIN-SPICE #OKAY?OKAY through every moment of every day. No one sane does that.

No, rather, normal people pee their pants sometimes. Normal people vomit when they try to eat too many tomatoes. Normal people have holes in very inconvenient places of their leggings without noticing. Normal people get toilet paper stuck on their pants for hours and hours without anyone saying anything. Normal people hurt.

I, solemnly swear, I will be butt-hurt honest with you about everything that I go through in my life because the truth is, lovey, you are not alone.

You are not alone through rejection, you are not alone in feeling ugly, or feeling unloved, lonely or that you will never escape the darkness.

The thing is, no one goes through this life hoping to go through bad times. All we want in life is to be filled with happiness, be loved by someone special and embraced by the people around us. I guess when a bomb is thrown our way, society has taught us to just get on with life and "get over it". But honey, it's never that easy. If it was that easy do you think I would even be here? Would I have ever made this blog? Would I have ever eaten that many of buckets of chicken? No. Maybe some things are meant to be truly appreciated only in times of pain and suffering from gastly wounds. Maybe some things can only be felt with true love from our hearts in its purest form when we lose everything that we think we need in order to breathe. Maybe that boy isn't the love of your life. Maybe you should quit your job. Maybe you should leave that toxic friendship. Maybe you should give yourself a break, and take care of yourself for a little bit. Maybe, some things need our attention elsewhere while new, beautiful things that bring us the greatest joys, are being born and crafted with great delicacy.

Maybe we need to be there for each other, because we're all we have at the end of the day. We're all just one big, messy nebula in this vast universe. If us is all we got, why not be beautifully bare-butt naked with our feelings? (I seem to talk about butts and poo a lot, I apologize)

And that's what I think I want to do with how I present myself. I've been trying to do my best in making a shift in my social media. I want to promote the idea that sometimes there are many funny, terrible moments in life and truly, no matter how heart breaking the event is, celebrate them. Celebrate Juliette, celebrate knowing her, celebrate retiring from being a really great girlfriend, celebrate to finding better, celebrate that the job ended... Celebrate them all. I hope you can join this movement with me.

People say that anything you say when you're sad is beautiful. Well, I guess they haven't seen me on a saturday night by myself with my matching pajamas gushing over Whitney Houston, missing high school and boys, stuffing an ENTIRE birthday cake from Lady M that I ordered FOR MYSELF, making weird hissing sounds outside my window any time a couple passes by.
That - truly, is not a pretty sight.

Life is supposed to have those gaping ugly, patchy, holey/holy moments -
Maybe then, we'll learn that we are capable to touch one another's souls in ways we could never even imagine -
and maybe those moments -
are what in the end of the day, make living, surviving, breathing a teensy bit easier, more beautiful. It's what makes you beautiful (Yeah you queue the One Direction banger !!!). ;)

I love you.

You are never alone.
  
                                                                                                           Stay ugly,
                                                                                                 
                                                                                                         -teeny, tiny & terrified.

Here are ugly pictures of myself this year and a video of me making out with a shrimp, love you.



^ Me ACTUALLY ugly crying at graduation - RIIIIPP












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