Special

It's hard to say what you feel. Actually, it's hard to know what to feel. It's hard for me to know what I am actually feeling. I think sometimes, it's all just one big bundled, anxious mess.

Which I guess, is one accurate representation of my life - one big bundled, anxious mess (RIIIP).

You see, I know I am happy. I am happy because that's just who I am, I am Lauren, the happy goober that likes sunshine! rainbows! and puppies! I am Lauren, innocent, pure, loving and ferociously loyal. I am Lauren, who doesn't feel quite comfortable talking about herself in third person for this long. I am Lauren, and all I want to do is teach, live my dreams, and travel all around the world.

Yet, today, right now, even if it's just for a teensy short while in this moment, I feel like Lauren, Mr. Saddy McSad face who doesn't feel very loving, doesn't feel very innocent, and pure. I am Lauren, and I am finding it hard to understand loyality, trust is always broken when I set my heart for the ones that I want to love - and I am confused. Maybe, loyalty is something that only a few are "blessed" with having. Maybe one person isn't okay with just being with one person, maybe they crave love, maybe insecurity trumps courage, and maybe the addiction to the thrill of being wanted is more important to them than realizing how much they can hurt others. Maybe it's just easier to not know them. I am Lauren, and in the past few months, I've forgotten how to dream. I've forgotten what my dream is, and to be quite frank, if you asked me what my dream was right now, I don't think I could really picture an image. I don't think I could paint you a picture. It would probably just sound something like this: I just want to help people. Everything in this picture right now is yuckily pixalated and I am having a hard time believing in love, and that love is coming.

In fact, it's got me a little mad, mad to the point where I truly don't understand what this "Big Plan" is in life. Do I even believe that there is a plan? And that someone is managing this plan for me? Are we just guaranteed happiness if we've been through thick mud of asshole boys and terrible relationships?Honestly, sometimes I feel like the Big Guy up there is just puppeteering my life, and things in his set are just being knocked over everywhere, spilling, breaking in front of an audience, and nothing is going right. Maybe some puppets aren't meant to feel like a star.

I feel like this puppet. I'm lost in space, just floating in the galaxy, disappearing into stardust. No matter how much you believe, there isn't someone that's destined to catch you, to love you like they mean it, to love you how you want to love them. There is no one in the world that will feel the same way that you feel about them.

And that's a scary and lonely thought. I constantly feel like, I am not good enough - not smart enough, not pretty enough, skinny enough. Maybe the moments that are magic to me, mean nothing to the people that I share them with. Maybe, I'm the only one who cared. Maybe, I'll be living this deadly prank again and again - till the end of the time.

I don't want to feel this way. I want to believe in all of the magic again. I want to be in love, I want to believe in love - I just can't in the moment, or maybe, it's possible that I am the only one here who believes that magic does really exist. Maybe, all of us are just done with all the magic. Maybe all that magic was just wooshed out, and flushed out of our system.

But no matter what, magic or not, my love for you, my hope for you will never be rid. It will never die. You are so special, even if you did hurt me, even if you did turn to someone else. We all just hope, we were different to you, that we meant something to you. You are still special. You are still special, even if I'm not whispering that into your ear anymore at 3 in the morning as you laugh away. You are still special. I found that magic in you - you made me feel like Cinderella that day, magical and beautiful, like I just might love again - so something about ya must be something so special.

You're never alone.


                                                                                                               -teeny, tiny & terrified




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