Bekah Park
On this day last year, May 30th 2017, it is weird to think that I was sitting in an apartment in New York, feeling more alone than ever. I had just graduated and moved out of a home I thought I would never move on from. I was with a boy who made empty promises, and wrote me paragraphs of all the sweet nothings he said he would do for me in the long future to come. He professed to love me with all his heart, and to always be there for me. It was partly my fault as well, because though I kept my promises of loving him for a long while, I knew deep down in my heart that the promises he made were empty, that in the fast-coming summer he would make the same mistakes again and again, he would leave me behind in the dust and the insecurities I felt in that moment, would only be amplified by him in the near future to come.
He wasn't mine to love. He did not love me.
It's weird to think that on this day last year, I would cry myself to sleep, feeling like my love was wasted, feeling like I was never ever going to be enough. I let a boy tell me that I was never going to be enough for this world and that beauty was unattainable. I closed myself off from anyone who showed me love and told me to run as far away as I could from this boy. I was blind by this cloud of love for someone who didn't love me back.
All I can remember now of that distant day was the feeling like I might throw up my heart, like I might choke up the broken pieces, and that I absolutely hated myself. Now that I think about it - I felt this feeling every single moment of everyday for three whole years of my fucking life. Never feeling like I was truly loved by my own long-term boyfriend, doubting that he was really there because he had done absolutely everything possible to betray my trust and use my love, he held me in his palms for 3 years of my life and I felt more alone than ever for the majority of my high school years.
I lived in fear of losing someone I had already lost from the beginning for three years of my life.
Flash forward to May 30th, 2018 -
I am still an insecure girl, I have no boyfriend, and I no longer feel like I belong in the place I used to call home.
Yet, though I am still an insecure girl, I am a happy girl. I see my heart everyday healing, sometimes taking one step backwards, but nonetheless, finding my strength and moving forward. I have no boyfriend, but I have the most amazing friends, friends I never made in high school. Friends who go out of their way to make me feel absolutely amazing about myself, who shout me out so many times during the day, and love me endlessly and infinitely. Friends that I have that make me not care about having a boyfriend. I have no home, but I have the doom room, I have the penalty box, I have family... and most importantly, I have Bekah. Bekah, my best friend.
And you know what? That is enough. That is more than enough.
You're probably wondering where I am going with this, why the title of this blog is called Bekah Park. Well, for those of you, the 99% of you who are not Bekah, in life you are going to have moments when you feel like you've just lost. You'll feel like you've lost everything in your life and nothing could possibly be worse. That was me coming into college. Thinking I had lost the love of my life, my home and all my friends, I came into college wanting to die. I was hung up on the boy who had taken no time to move on with another girl, and I had to live with the fact that I had lost this break up, and that he was happy without me.
In the time I barely left my room, I met two boys across the hall from me who I thought I would spend a lot of my time with in the years to come. When we went to eat in the dining hall for the first time, I saw a tall, pretty half-Korean girl. Pretty was an understatement because she was absolutely, annoyingly, beautiful. This girl was the kind of girl the whole room would stop to look at her as she walked into the room. This girl was the kind of girl who made boys' eyes sparkle and widen when they saw her. This girl was the kind of girl I freakin' hated. The kind of girl I would be so jealous of. I decided in that moment that we would never ever be friends, and I was okay with that.
The two boys and I decided to throw a party, as we were still awkward freshmen, we watched as other awkward freshmen shuffled into the room, awkwardly ready to party. Me being me, was loud and obnoxious, while trying to meet as many people as I can. Suddenly, I looked to the corner of the room, and there was that annoyingly beautiful Asian girl! I was not going to go up and talk to her. She was propped up on one of the chairs in the room, sitting there quite unhappily. I whispered to one of my friends: "What's wrong with this girl?? She isn't talking to anyone!" Soon, I learned to ignore her, rolled my eyes and just told myself, whatever.
Flash foward a few weeks, my friend wanted to do crew, and he wanted me to join him. I was hesitant at first, and he had to give me a few good pushes to get me to come through. So many moments of feeling so overwhelmed at the boathouse, I was surprised I even stayed. Yet I did, and in one of the meetings in the next few days, I saw in the corner of my eye, the tall, beautiful half-Korean girl there as. well. Are you fucking kidding me? she's here AGAIN?! In that moment, I knew that we were going to have to be acquitances, because this bitch kept popping up every damn place I ended up. She even liked the same boy I liked. I mean, are you serious? Out of the 8000 people in this school, she chose the same, exact boy I liked? This girl was seriously making her mark in my life.
Man am I glad that she did. I can't tell you how we became friends, but in the next few months, this girl climbed her way up to be the most important person in my life. When we first became friends, Bekah was a little bit of a closed book. She was kind of the scariest person ever, and she was filled with sass. She had her guard up most of the time, she was hardly emotional, and she kept to herself. Funny, because recently she admitted to me that she too did not like me the first time she met me at that party.
Bekah now? Well, she's more sentimental than I am - and that says a lot. She literally cries every time she looks through her memories and sees a picture of us together. She writes me love letters to make me cry on the airplane every time I have to leave her. She's kind, always asking me if I am okay and calling me to know about my life and update me on hers. She calls me when she cries now, which THANK GOD, because we made a pact that we would never cry alone (though we both know that we have both broken this pact a few times now), she comes to my room all the fucking time... even when I want her to leave! We jokingly tell people that we are basically dating, and even though she thinks that if we were actually a couple, she would wear the pants, we both know I would own that relationship. Bekah is the other half of me, she makes me listen to SZA, Frank Ocean and soul, and I listen to Whitney Houston because of her. I know everything about her, like how she listens to music on her bright red beats at a way too high volume, I'm afraid that she'll burst her ear drums at any time. I know that she can play the piano AND sing like a damn Godddess, and that she will serenade me with Bruno Mars when I am sad. I know she's the coolest bar tender and makes the best virgin drinks. I know she loses her damn wallet every 2 seconds, and though she knows she misplaces it 24/7, she still continues to use that damn thing. I know that she will always be late to every god damn event because she's doing her makeup, which she is also a Goddess at again. I know that she procrascinates like no tomorrow, and that she will watch stupid videos like squealing chicken covers of Bazzi's Mine. I know that she drives a mom-bile, and that she has one of those thingy majiggies that keeps her phone up in the car to use as GPS. I know that she will text me at 4:30 in the morning with a loving text or a stupid picture of myself from months ago. I know she falls asleep in politics because she doesn't sleep at night. I know that she laughs like a man when she's up to something stupid or tries to flame me or my friends. I know she can't say no to me or our friends, because she is easily peer-pressured. I know that when she's drunk she takes an excessive amount of snapchats and makes sure that I know by discreetly captioning her pictures "drunk". I know that she can never answer a friggin text on time. I know she is a COS God. I know that she says she's stupid and failing but actually she's a really, really fucking smart cookie and can accomplish absolutely anything. I know her sisters, Bethany, Hannah and the other one I always forget (heh sorry). I know her brother is in West Point, and that she has the fucking ugliest and fattest cat in the whole world. I know she is the strongest girl in the world. I know she's the toughest chica to ever roam this planet, and the one of the most special people I have and will ever meet in this lifetime.
Anyone who hurts her, I know will fall to their knees one day, and pray. They will pray, because they'll know that they have made the biggest and fattest mistakes of their lives. Bekah has been through so much, but somehow she keeps going. She keeps going because that's all she's ever known. She cares so deeply about other people, there are so many moments when she forgets about herself. She thinks about everything thoroughly and righteously, with her whole heart, mind, and soul. She's always there to help me when I need it, even if she herself is going through utter hell, and she surely went through the depths of hell this year. Yet, this girl, manage to not only stand tall on her two feet, but exceeds in ways many people who do way less, still can't.
My point today is, if I hadn't been broken up with by the boy who never loved me to begin with, I would have never gone to parties, because that boy would have made me feel badly about going. He would have guilted me with his jealousy and I would have FaceTimed him in my room everyday as he made me feel more insecure about myself everyday, instead of trying Crew. I would have never stayed at the boathouse, I would have never liked another boy, and I would have never, ever met my best-est friend Bekah Park. In life, there are so many different forms of love that many people miss out on. Maybe you haven't found your romantic love, but maybe you found a form of love that is different, but something just as special.
So, for those of you who are not Bekah Park, I hope you find your Bekah Park. I hope you know that if you feel like you lost everything in life, your Bekah Park is coming your way. In life, our so-called "friends" are always pushing us to have boyfriends, to not be alone, and to find true love. I was afraid to be by myself for a long time. So was Bekah. On May 30th 2017, I loved a boy who didn't love me back. On May 30th 2018, I realized that there will be people that will not love you like you love them. But, there will be a few gems that actually do. They love you to the point that when they see a picture of you, they cry. They love you to the point that even though you will both see each other in a few weeks, write you long letters to remind you how much they love you and how special you are. They love you to the point they will spend the day tearing up while writing a heart-wrenching, long ass blog about you. ;)
They will love you with true love, even if it's a love that isn't romantic. They will love you with a love that will remind you of your worth, not one that makes you feel badly about yourself. Remember that. Keep your Bekah Park as close to you as possible, for as long as time.
I love you Bekah and the Bekah's of the world!!!!!
- teeny, tiny, and not so terrified.
He wasn't mine to love. He did not love me.
It's weird to think that on this day last year, I would cry myself to sleep, feeling like my love was wasted, feeling like I was never ever going to be enough. I let a boy tell me that I was never going to be enough for this world and that beauty was unattainable. I closed myself off from anyone who showed me love and told me to run as far away as I could from this boy. I was blind by this cloud of love for someone who didn't love me back.
All I can remember now of that distant day was the feeling like I might throw up my heart, like I might choke up the broken pieces, and that I absolutely hated myself. Now that I think about it - I felt this feeling every single moment of everyday for three whole years of my fucking life. Never feeling like I was truly loved by my own long-term boyfriend, doubting that he was really there because he had done absolutely everything possible to betray my trust and use my love, he held me in his palms for 3 years of my life and I felt more alone than ever for the majority of my high school years.
I lived in fear of losing someone I had already lost from the beginning for three years of my life.
Flash forward to May 30th, 2018 -
I am still an insecure girl, I have no boyfriend, and I no longer feel like I belong in the place I used to call home.
Yet, though I am still an insecure girl, I am a happy girl. I see my heart everyday healing, sometimes taking one step backwards, but nonetheless, finding my strength and moving forward. I have no boyfriend, but I have the most amazing friends, friends I never made in high school. Friends who go out of their way to make me feel absolutely amazing about myself, who shout me out so many times during the day, and love me endlessly and infinitely. Friends that I have that make me not care about having a boyfriend. I have no home, but I have the doom room, I have the penalty box, I have family... and most importantly, I have Bekah. Bekah, my best friend.
And you know what? That is enough. That is more than enough.
You're probably wondering where I am going with this, why the title of this blog is called Bekah Park. Well, for those of you, the 99% of you who are not Bekah, in life you are going to have moments when you feel like you've just lost. You'll feel like you've lost everything in your life and nothing could possibly be worse. That was me coming into college. Thinking I had lost the love of my life, my home and all my friends, I came into college wanting to die. I was hung up on the boy who had taken no time to move on with another girl, and I had to live with the fact that I had lost this break up, and that he was happy without me.
In the time I barely left my room, I met two boys across the hall from me who I thought I would spend a lot of my time with in the years to come. When we went to eat in the dining hall for the first time, I saw a tall, pretty half-Korean girl. Pretty was an understatement because she was absolutely, annoyingly, beautiful. This girl was the kind of girl the whole room would stop to look at her as she walked into the room. This girl was the kind of girl who made boys' eyes sparkle and widen when they saw her. This girl was the kind of girl I freakin' hated. The kind of girl I would be so jealous of. I decided in that moment that we would never ever be friends, and I was okay with that.
The two boys and I decided to throw a party, as we were still awkward freshmen, we watched as other awkward freshmen shuffled into the room, awkwardly ready to party. Me being me, was loud and obnoxious, while trying to meet as many people as I can. Suddenly, I looked to the corner of the room, and there was that annoyingly beautiful Asian girl! I was not going to go up and talk to her. She was propped up on one of the chairs in the room, sitting there quite unhappily. I whispered to one of my friends: "What's wrong with this girl?? She isn't talking to anyone!" Soon, I learned to ignore her, rolled my eyes and just told myself, whatever.
Flash foward a few weeks, my friend wanted to do crew, and he wanted me to join him. I was hesitant at first, and he had to give me a few good pushes to get me to come through. So many moments of feeling so overwhelmed at the boathouse, I was surprised I even stayed. Yet I did, and in one of the meetings in the next few days, I saw in the corner of my eye, the tall, beautiful half-Korean girl there as. well. Are you fucking kidding me? she's here AGAIN?! In that moment, I knew that we were going to have to be acquitances, because this bitch kept popping up every damn place I ended up. She even liked the same boy I liked. I mean, are you serious? Out of the 8000 people in this school, she chose the same, exact boy I liked? This girl was seriously making her mark in my life.
Man am I glad that she did. I can't tell you how we became friends, but in the next few months, this girl climbed her way up to be the most important person in my life. When we first became friends, Bekah was a little bit of a closed book. She was kind of the scariest person ever, and she was filled with sass. She had her guard up most of the time, she was hardly emotional, and she kept to herself. Funny, because recently she admitted to me that she too did not like me the first time she met me at that party.
Bekah now? Well, she's more sentimental than I am - and that says a lot. She literally cries every time she looks through her memories and sees a picture of us together. She writes me love letters to make me cry on the airplane every time I have to leave her. She's kind, always asking me if I am okay and calling me to know about my life and update me on hers. She calls me when she cries now, which THANK GOD, because we made a pact that we would never cry alone (though we both know that we have both broken this pact a few times now), she comes to my room all the fucking time... even when I want her to leave! We jokingly tell people that we are basically dating, and even though she thinks that if we were actually a couple, she would wear the pants, we both know I would own that relationship. Bekah is the other half of me, she makes me listen to SZA, Frank Ocean and soul, and I listen to Whitney Houston because of her. I know everything about her, like how she listens to music on her bright red beats at a way too high volume, I'm afraid that she'll burst her ear drums at any time. I know that she can play the piano AND sing like a damn Godddess, and that she will serenade me with Bruno Mars when I am sad. I know she's the coolest bar tender and makes the best virgin drinks. I know she loses her damn wallet every 2 seconds, and though she knows she misplaces it 24/7, she still continues to use that damn thing. I know that she will always be late to every god damn event because she's doing her makeup, which she is also a Goddess at again. I know that she procrascinates like no tomorrow, and that she will watch stupid videos like squealing chicken covers of Bazzi's Mine. I know that she drives a mom-bile, and that she has one of those thingy majiggies that keeps her phone up in the car to use as GPS. I know that she will text me at 4:30 in the morning with a loving text or a stupid picture of myself from months ago. I know she falls asleep in politics because she doesn't sleep at night. I know that she laughs like a man when she's up to something stupid or tries to flame me or my friends. I know she can't say no to me or our friends, because she is easily peer-pressured. I know that when she's drunk she takes an excessive amount of snapchats and makes sure that I know by discreetly captioning her pictures "drunk". I know that she can never answer a friggin text on time. I know she is a COS God. I know that she says she's stupid and failing but actually she's a really, really fucking smart cookie and can accomplish absolutely anything. I know her sisters, Bethany, Hannah and the other one I always forget (heh sorry). I know her brother is in West Point, and that she has the fucking ugliest and fattest cat in the whole world. I know she is the strongest girl in the world. I know she's the toughest chica to ever roam this planet, and the one of the most special people I have and will ever meet in this lifetime.
Anyone who hurts her, I know will fall to their knees one day, and pray. They will pray, because they'll know that they have made the biggest and fattest mistakes of their lives. Bekah has been through so much, but somehow she keeps going. She keeps going because that's all she's ever known. She cares so deeply about other people, there are so many moments when she forgets about herself. She thinks about everything thoroughly and righteously, with her whole heart, mind, and soul. She's always there to help me when I need it, even if she herself is going through utter hell, and she surely went through the depths of hell this year. Yet, this girl, manage to not only stand tall on her two feet, but exceeds in ways many people who do way less, still can't.
My point today is, if I hadn't been broken up with by the boy who never loved me to begin with, I would have never gone to parties, because that boy would have made me feel badly about going. He would have guilted me with his jealousy and I would have FaceTimed him in my room everyday as he made me feel more insecure about myself everyday, instead of trying Crew. I would have never stayed at the boathouse, I would have never liked another boy, and I would have never, ever met my best-est friend Bekah Park. In life, there are so many different forms of love that many people miss out on. Maybe you haven't found your romantic love, but maybe you found a form of love that is different, but something just as special.
So, for those of you who are not Bekah Park, I hope you find your Bekah Park. I hope you know that if you feel like you lost everything in life, your Bekah Park is coming your way. In life, our so-called "friends" are always pushing us to have boyfriends, to not be alone, and to find true love. I was afraid to be by myself for a long time. So was Bekah. On May 30th 2017, I loved a boy who didn't love me back. On May 30th 2018, I realized that there will be people that will not love you like you love them. But, there will be a few gems that actually do. They love you to the point that when they see a picture of you, they cry. They love you to the point that even though you will both see each other in a few weeks, write you long letters to remind you how much they love you and how special you are. They love you to the point they will spend the day tearing up while writing a heart-wrenching, long ass blog about you. ;)
They will love you with true love, even if it's a love that isn't romantic. They will love you with a love that will remind you of your worth, not one that makes you feel badly about yourself. Remember that. Keep your Bekah Park as close to you as possible, for as long as time.
I love you Bekah and the Bekah's of the world!!!!!
- teeny, tiny, and not so terrified.
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