This is another icky, insecure love post, I am sorry.
I haven't had this feeling in a long time. I am not sure if anyone else gets the same kind of feeling, but sometimes when I am upset about something before I go to bed, I wake myself up in the middle of the night. No matter how tired I am, it's like my brain does whatever my heart wants it to do, (jees it's like my brain is my heart's bitch!!!) and wakes itself up to think about sad things that I don't even have the power to change. It's terrible! Here I am, laying awake under the stars at 4:35 AM, tired out of my mind, but my worries and anxieties refuse to let me slumber. Actually, I wouldn't call them worries and anxieties, because I am not worried or anxious about how things will turn out, because I alreaedy have accepted that this is the reality. I've gotten quite used to that, accepting shitty situations as my reality. I guess I just feel like life can be pretty fucking unfair. I feel like I didn't get the good end of the bargain no matter how much I feel like I deserved it, and sometimes, I really really feel like good people get the shittiest end of the stick. Not just once, like constantly! Again, and again. You hate to see it.
Truthfully, love is never equal. There will always be a person that loves the other more. That sucks! Okay, maybe this isn't the truth, at least I'm hoping that it isn't, because I hope the person I end up with will love me just as much as I love them. Truthfully, I am a liiiiittle scared that I will never find anyone in my life. Yep, this entry has become about the sad gorl with her many cats and her many tissues crying into her wacky long hair. I am sorry. But, come on. Don't tell me you don't have times when you see the montage of happy couples on the streets or in your friend group that doesn't just make you want to puke on the inside, but also makes you feel just a hint of loneliness. It sucks. It also makes you feel like hey, when am I going to get that?
But, a big a part of me also feels like hell no! God give me no one because I have really great friends and I never feel lonely like I did when I was with a boy, and they make me feel a kind of happiness I haven't felt in a long, long time. I don't want to deal with getting hurt or hurting someone else ever. Love sucks major butthole and honestly I feel like a terrible person when I am in a relationship. I feel like I get super insecure and clingy and become an anxious mess that makes me feel like an absolute psycho - and I don't like it when I feel like this, because that is not who I am.
I guess the major part of it is I feel like, I am not really special enough for a relationship. I can't imagine someone laying awake at night and thinking about me. I can't imagine a boy talking to his mother about me. I can't imagine someone just thinking about holding my hand, or thinking I am beautiful as I sleep away next to him. I can't imagine all this super cheesy bullshit that we all secretly want and hope for. I feel like, first of all, I am not pretty enough to catch a boy worthy of my attention anyways. I feel like, I get all weird and flustered and funky. Not something people normally describe themselves as getting - funky. But I feel like that's exactly how I get, I'm just a funky person. Urgh. I hate that!!!
I guess the reason why I feel this way has a lot to do with how boys treated me in the past. I've had boys that maybe thought I was special for some time (wasted, if you ask me), but I am so super mean to boys, eventually they realize that I'm just an ole meanie weanie that they never would want to date. Which is all good, because we can all healthily move on. Then, there are boys that I give my heart and soul to, who just know how to completely abolish my heart, step on it and wack the shit out of it. Like abolishing wasn't enough - it's like they want to take my glass heart and get it to turn into fine grain. Every time I tell my friends about boys that have come into my life, they are pretty apalled that a human could hold onto someone for that long - it just sucks, overall. Then, there are boys that I just throw myself at! And they are like, omg what is going on! And I'm like ah! Bye! So, overall, preeeetttyy darn terrible. My relationship life hasn't really been the best.
I already hate myself for writing about boys again, heysus. I swear all this has a point to it! Okay, maybe not, but I will figure it out as I type out all this nonsense.
I guess, life is just fucking unfair. I mean I wish I could explain to you why bad things happen to good people, but, I guess it just does. It sucks, but it does. It really fucking sucks. I recently watched a movie about a girl who did everything and anything when it came to how passionate she felt about that certain thing. It reminded me of what my mom described me as. She said: "You're the biggest, fattest drama queen I've ever seen. But you're dramatic because you feel deeply, because you invest your emotions in certain people, and when they disappoint you, they really disappoint you." She'd stop and say to me: "At least," she would say looking me in the eye now: "At least, you have the courage to feel."
At least I have the courage to feel. Wow, isn't that something? I am still figuring out what that means, having the courage to feel. But I guess, people go on their whole lives in this world just pushing down every sadness, fear, hurt, jealousy, anger, every bad, 'shameful' feeling so far down their throats that they forget. They forget where their insecurities spark from, and we never want to admit that we are heartbroken. We want to appear strong, like nothing and no one will and can ever break us. But that's so far from the truth - because we are all just broken, damaged people. We get hurt when people stand us up, we get hurt when boys hook up with other girls, even if we knew that they weren't "looking for anything right now", because we hoped that we would be that special one that change their minds. We get hurt when you guys don't call. We get hurt when our friends kiss a boy that we kissed. We get hurt when ex's date someone new. We care, we care because we have the courage to feel. We have the courage to admit, hey, I really did love and care about this person, this is why I am hurt. I am hurt because I am able to get off my high horse and admit that I really did love this person. Yet, we tell our friends lol I don't care. Or we just don't talk about it.
Give yourself time, give yourself some healing time because it is okay. It is okay to care, beautiful. It's okay to feel hurt by stupid things, because at the end of the day, things that make you upset aren't stupid. It's like cheating. No one can really define cheating. It depends on you, how you define it, and how you feel when it is done. If a spouse kisses another person, some people would think that's cheating, some wouldn't. If a spouse writes meaningful letters to another person, some people would think that's cheating, some wouldn't. It all depends on how you define it, and you define it with how you feel about it.
We are all broken. We are all twisted in the inside, scarred and bruised. Stop hiding it, it's okay. I promise to show you my bruises, and I hope you'll show me yours. I know there are times when I will feel unspecial and undeserving of love, as I can make so many mistakes myself. There are times when I will lose hope, as I have now, and think that love will never come to my door. But, I think that's what funky about love - it comes when you least expect it. I know that's cheesy, but stop looking, and just be okay with yourself. Be okay with yourself.
Maybe what's funky about you is what makes you special, huh?
I love you.
(lol ok, I know this photo has nothing to do with anything but I guess it's kinda artsy and it's like hey! road! journey! life! So, let's just go with it heh) ;)
- teeny, tiny & terrified.
Truthfully, love is never equal. There will always be a person that loves the other more. That sucks! Okay, maybe this isn't the truth, at least I'm hoping that it isn't, because I hope the person I end up with will love me just as much as I love them. Truthfully, I am a liiiiittle scared that I will never find anyone in my life. Yep, this entry has become about the sad gorl with her many cats and her many tissues crying into her wacky long hair. I am sorry. But, come on. Don't tell me you don't have times when you see the montage of happy couples on the streets or in your friend group that doesn't just make you want to puke on the inside, but also makes you feel just a hint of loneliness. It sucks. It also makes you feel like hey, when am I going to get that?
But, a big a part of me also feels like hell no! God give me no one because I have really great friends and I never feel lonely like I did when I was with a boy, and they make me feel a kind of happiness I haven't felt in a long, long time. I don't want to deal with getting hurt or hurting someone else ever. Love sucks major butthole and honestly I feel like a terrible person when I am in a relationship. I feel like I get super insecure and clingy and become an anxious mess that makes me feel like an absolute psycho - and I don't like it when I feel like this, because that is not who I am.
I guess the major part of it is I feel like, I am not really special enough for a relationship. I can't imagine someone laying awake at night and thinking about me. I can't imagine a boy talking to his mother about me. I can't imagine someone just thinking about holding my hand, or thinking I am beautiful as I sleep away next to him. I can't imagine all this super cheesy bullshit that we all secretly want and hope for. I feel like, first of all, I am not pretty enough to catch a boy worthy of my attention anyways. I feel like, I get all weird and flustered and funky. Not something people normally describe themselves as getting - funky. But I feel like that's exactly how I get, I'm just a funky person. Urgh. I hate that!!!
I guess the reason why I feel this way has a lot to do with how boys treated me in the past. I've had boys that maybe thought I was special for some time (wasted, if you ask me), but I am so super mean to boys, eventually they realize that I'm just an ole meanie weanie that they never would want to date. Which is all good, because we can all healthily move on. Then, there are boys that I give my heart and soul to, who just know how to completely abolish my heart, step on it and wack the shit out of it. Like abolishing wasn't enough - it's like they want to take my glass heart and get it to turn into fine grain. Every time I tell my friends about boys that have come into my life, they are pretty apalled that a human could hold onto someone for that long - it just sucks, overall. Then, there are boys that I just throw myself at! And they are like, omg what is going on! And I'm like ah! Bye! So, overall, preeeetttyy darn terrible. My relationship life hasn't really been the best.
I already hate myself for writing about boys again, heysus. I swear all this has a point to it! Okay, maybe not, but I will figure it out as I type out all this nonsense.
I guess, life is just fucking unfair. I mean I wish I could explain to you why bad things happen to good people, but, I guess it just does. It sucks, but it does. It really fucking sucks. I recently watched a movie about a girl who did everything and anything when it came to how passionate she felt about that certain thing. It reminded me of what my mom described me as. She said: "You're the biggest, fattest drama queen I've ever seen. But you're dramatic because you feel deeply, because you invest your emotions in certain people, and when they disappoint you, they really disappoint you." She'd stop and say to me: "At least," she would say looking me in the eye now: "At least, you have the courage to feel."
At least I have the courage to feel. Wow, isn't that something? I am still figuring out what that means, having the courage to feel. But I guess, people go on their whole lives in this world just pushing down every sadness, fear, hurt, jealousy, anger, every bad, 'shameful' feeling so far down their throats that they forget. They forget where their insecurities spark from, and we never want to admit that we are heartbroken. We want to appear strong, like nothing and no one will and can ever break us. But that's so far from the truth - because we are all just broken, damaged people. We get hurt when people stand us up, we get hurt when boys hook up with other girls, even if we knew that they weren't "looking for anything right now", because we hoped that we would be that special one that change their minds. We get hurt when you guys don't call. We get hurt when our friends kiss a boy that we kissed. We get hurt when ex's date someone new. We care, we care because we have the courage to feel. We have the courage to admit, hey, I really did love and care about this person, this is why I am hurt. I am hurt because I am able to get off my high horse and admit that I really did love this person. Yet, we tell our friends lol I don't care. Or we just don't talk about it.
Give yourself time, give yourself some healing time because it is okay. It is okay to care, beautiful. It's okay to feel hurt by stupid things, because at the end of the day, things that make you upset aren't stupid. It's like cheating. No one can really define cheating. It depends on you, how you define it, and how you feel when it is done. If a spouse kisses another person, some people would think that's cheating, some wouldn't. If a spouse writes meaningful letters to another person, some people would think that's cheating, some wouldn't. It all depends on how you define it, and you define it with how you feel about it.
We are all broken. We are all twisted in the inside, scarred and bruised. Stop hiding it, it's okay. I promise to show you my bruises, and I hope you'll show me yours. I know there are times when I will feel unspecial and undeserving of love, as I can make so many mistakes myself. There are times when I will lose hope, as I have now, and think that love will never come to my door. But, I think that's what funky about love - it comes when you least expect it. I know that's cheesy, but stop looking, and just be okay with yourself. Be okay with yourself.
Maybe what's funky about you is what makes you special, huh?
I love you.
(lol ok, I know this photo has nothing to do with anything but I guess it's kinda artsy and it's like hey! road! journey! life! So, let's just go with it heh) ;)
- teeny, tiny & terrified.
Comments
Post a Comment
Ask me anything!