Thank You, Pain.
Pain is such a strange thing.
I used to think that the pain goes away, that when someone says that they've "healed", well, they found that magic cure to diminish that pain and heartbreak. But, as I come to the one year mark of my most recent heatbreak, I find that my pain is not diminished, and maybe, it never will be.
Don't get me wrong, I've definitely gotten better. I don't see a false future anymore, which was something I used to really believe in, pretty much with my whole heart and soul. I don't think about it as much. In fact that pain only comes up in my mind a few times every couple of weeks, which is a huge improvement from when it used to replay, sear and sit in my mind on an infinite loop. I definitely also just want the person who hurt me to be happy and "healed". I don't talk about him like I had lost the best thing in my life, nor do I talk about him like he is the most horrendous, terrible monster on the universe, because that's not the truth either. In fact, it couldn't be further away from the truth. Instead, I choose to tell the story as it is, the story of our truth. And the truth, like many things in life, can be messy and confusing. It can manage to be both extraordinarily ugly, and yet so rawly beautiful - and I guess that's what makes this heartbreak so cool and beautiful. I guess that's what beautiful about him and I too. I think he is beautiful, and I think even though the ugly parts of that heartbreak were ugly, an immense amount of beauty emerged from it. Even if, you know, sometimes it's definitely hard to identify it.
Pain is an extraordinarily difficult feeling to feel, simply because it never fully goes away. It's an extremely turbulent, rocky experience to go through. Especially if you spend a lot of your time trying to mask your pain, or avoid your pain, or replace your pain by not facing it full on. We all have the fear of facing pain. We are scared we won't be strong enough to handle it. We can let it sit in our hearts for years and years, and it eats away at us. It makes us insecure and grumpy people. When we do face it though, when we find out that we are in fact strong enough to handle it, we go charging at it like a bull and its matador, we develop a kind of strength that is indescribable, and often overlooked. Yes, facing pain means moving on, and yes we do eventually move on in life. Yet, pain still stains our hearts in a way only we, individually, can comprehend and hope to understand and unravel. That pain is triggered 20 years after the same betrayal is inflicted upon us again - it opens a crack and unlocks that box the ghost of our "healed" pain lives in, and continues to live, affect and mold who we are and how we protect ourselves.
Pain is known to be a terrible word. When we think of pain entering our lives, we think of a boy walking into our birthday party who we bitterly hate and hope our parents never invited. We curse pain for who he is, and what he brings in our lives. Yet, pain is misunderstood.
Pain is a beautiful thing, if we really think about who he is. He brought me to become a listener. He brought me to become an independent person, which was something I never thought I could be. He's been the friend that warns me to run from those who try to inflict the same kind of hurt on me as soon as possible. Pain taught me how to love others, especially those who go through the same heartbreaks as me.
Pain taught me humility, kindness and sympathy - which is the greatest gift you could ever offer yourself and others. You see, pain allows sympathy, which is the act of not only helping others but also yourself. Thinking about yourself has always been a frowned upon act in my mind, it's something I try to do less of. Yet, sympathy, is a special thing. Sympathy not only helps those who don't feel understood, feel understood, but also unlocks the heartbreak we have tucked in the back of our minds again and analyze it through the experience of others; which is a very mature thing for us to do. We must look at things from understanding of others and from as many points of view as we can.
So to pain, I say thank you. Without you I wouldn't be the person I am today. Even if sometimes I curse you, or am annoyed at you, I humbly allow you to enter my life. Here's to you pain, you are no longer overlooked and misjudged by me.
I love you, and you're never alone.
- teeny, tiny & terrified.
I used to think that the pain goes away, that when someone says that they've "healed", well, they found that magic cure to diminish that pain and heartbreak. But, as I come to the one year mark of my most recent heatbreak, I find that my pain is not diminished, and maybe, it never will be.
Don't get me wrong, I've definitely gotten better. I don't see a false future anymore, which was something I used to really believe in, pretty much with my whole heart and soul. I don't think about it as much. In fact that pain only comes up in my mind a few times every couple of weeks, which is a huge improvement from when it used to replay, sear and sit in my mind on an infinite loop. I definitely also just want the person who hurt me to be happy and "healed". I don't talk about him like I had lost the best thing in my life, nor do I talk about him like he is the most horrendous, terrible monster on the universe, because that's not the truth either. In fact, it couldn't be further away from the truth. Instead, I choose to tell the story as it is, the story of our truth. And the truth, like many things in life, can be messy and confusing. It can manage to be both extraordinarily ugly, and yet so rawly beautiful - and I guess that's what makes this heartbreak so cool and beautiful. I guess that's what beautiful about him and I too. I think he is beautiful, and I think even though the ugly parts of that heartbreak were ugly, an immense amount of beauty emerged from it. Even if, you know, sometimes it's definitely hard to identify it.
Pain is an extraordinarily difficult feeling to feel, simply because it never fully goes away. It's an extremely turbulent, rocky experience to go through. Especially if you spend a lot of your time trying to mask your pain, or avoid your pain, or replace your pain by not facing it full on. We all have the fear of facing pain. We are scared we won't be strong enough to handle it. We can let it sit in our hearts for years and years, and it eats away at us. It makes us insecure and grumpy people. When we do face it though, when we find out that we are in fact strong enough to handle it, we go charging at it like a bull and its matador, we develop a kind of strength that is indescribable, and often overlooked. Yes, facing pain means moving on, and yes we do eventually move on in life. Yet, pain still stains our hearts in a way only we, individually, can comprehend and hope to understand and unravel. That pain is triggered 20 years after the same betrayal is inflicted upon us again - it opens a crack and unlocks that box the ghost of our "healed" pain lives in, and continues to live, affect and mold who we are and how we protect ourselves.
Pain is known to be a terrible word. When we think of pain entering our lives, we think of a boy walking into our birthday party who we bitterly hate and hope our parents never invited. We curse pain for who he is, and what he brings in our lives. Yet, pain is misunderstood.
Pain is a beautiful thing, if we really think about who he is. He brought me to become a listener. He brought me to become an independent person, which was something I never thought I could be. He's been the friend that warns me to run from those who try to inflict the same kind of hurt on me as soon as possible. Pain taught me how to love others, especially those who go through the same heartbreaks as me.
Pain taught me humility, kindness and sympathy - which is the greatest gift you could ever offer yourself and others. You see, pain allows sympathy, which is the act of not only helping others but also yourself. Thinking about yourself has always been a frowned upon act in my mind, it's something I try to do less of. Yet, sympathy, is a special thing. Sympathy not only helps those who don't feel understood, feel understood, but also unlocks the heartbreak we have tucked in the back of our minds again and analyze it through the experience of others; which is a very mature thing for us to do. We must look at things from understanding of others and from as many points of view as we can.
So to pain, I say thank you. Without you I wouldn't be the person I am today. Even if sometimes I curse you, or am annoyed at you, I humbly allow you to enter my life. Here's to you pain, you are no longer overlooked and misjudged by me.
I love you, and you're never alone.
- teeny, tiny & terrified.
Comments
Post a Comment
Ask me anything!