And That's 20!
Dear blogworld,
Welp. I never thought it was possible that I could feel as pruny as I do now! Scrolling back to my 19th birthday entry, I can't even believe that I felt pruny in that moment. 20 year old Lauren is laughing at 19 year old Lauren very, very much right now. I can't even imagine what 40 year old Lauren is going to even think when she sees these entries. She's probably still thinking Ah Lauren, you silly joke of a human you - I'm glad some things will never change. :'-)
-
I hate birthdays for two reasons.
One, I get anxiety from the fear that all my best friends will forget my birthday, act like it's just a normal day (because it really is a normal day), and forget who I am and I guess I'm just going to die on the spot from feeling like total speck of worthless dust - and also because I can't stop myself from constructing long, jumbled, not-well-thought-out run on sentences. Oops, I just did it again. Two, the fear that I might cry on this day once again because a) sadly, crying is all I have ever known to do on my birthday, and b) because I fear this is another year of carrying the same burdens.
But this year, this year for me was different.
...and I am happy to reveal I did NOT cry on my birthday this year! Yay! Accomplishments!!!
For those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, hi mom, I see you (and only you), you know that I have a tradition of always making it a habit of finding what I am grateful for most from that year. So, without further ado, here is a list of 20 things I learned from this year.
In this year, I learned...
1) If you find the right female warriors, you will be okay being by yourself. This is a real one. I know for you ladies out there right now who can not even imagine being without your manz, I just want to reasure you right now. It is damn possible. In fact it's kind of easy. I know it doesn't seem like that right now, but I promise you, if you find the right women, the ones that lift you up and make you feel like the beautiful thing you are, you will find men kind of pointless. You will find yourself actually wanting to go home from a party with the gal pals and not desperate to find any sort of electric moment with some stupid boy that won't even treat you with the respect you deserve. If you find the right girl friends, you will find just how much you are truly worth.
2) A relationship is a job for two. If a relationship is ruined, it is okay to know that you made mistakes too. This one was a hard one for me to learn. I hate being wrong. I hate being the mean one, but the truth is, there are moments when I am soooo far from being perfect. In fact, none of us are and ever can be. I keep having to remind myself this. I can never be perfect. Ugh. Isn't that frustrating? The undeniable truth is, we hurt people, even if we can't imagine ourselves doing so. We can pretend like we share none of the blame, and let it hurt your heart for the rest of your life. We can live with the bitter resentment against a person that you know you still love and care about, or you can accept that you did fuck some stuff up - and then learn to forgive yourself. You can move on, and swear to never do what you did again.
3) There are moments when romantics lose all hope of finding love. This is a sad truth, and one that I found to be exceptionally predominant for me this year. Love has seem to lose its touch. It seemed to have lost its magic. Love seemed to only leave me heartbroken and battered to the ground. I have always been a romantic, I have always been so open and enthusiastic when it comes to the idea of love. I welcome love into my life thinking that even though I open the doors to my life, people won't inevitably walk out. Yet, this year, any time I come close to finding real love, I pull away. I'm so afraid of getting hurt, I find myself forcing myself to focus my energy and time on everything and anything else.
Don't pull away from love.
4) People will leave you, and that is okay. Even the ones that you thought would stay - sometimes we lose people we thought would live in our hearts for a life time. Most of the time, they were never planning on staying from the beginning. Most of the time, they were never worth any second of our precious time.
5) People will hate you because of reasons you cannot understand, and it will shatter your world. People talk shit. People love talking shit, especially when it's about the people who never want to make mistakes from the beginning. If someone is able to have even a millisecond of attention, they will take it. They will take it, forget about your feelings and rip your heart into bits. Sometimes it's hard to understand, but please, please, cut those people from your lives and know that they have no relevance to your life whatsoever. There is no need to please them, just keep your head up high and - go.
6) You will fuck up. Biiiiiiig time. Ha, this is real one again. I fucked up big time this year. It sucks in the moment. Sometimes the consequences will suck for a long time, maybe we won't understand why we did it, but everything has their purposes. God's got this.
7) MAKE IMPULSE DECISIONS!!! Apply to be a camp counselor in Michigan. Talk to that person in class that makes you laugh. Be gutsy, girlie. The second you're out of your comfort zone, you'll learn just how strong you are, just how wonderfully brave you are. The best things happen when you're totally left with nothing, in the middle of butt fuck no where Michigan - and maybe you'll find people that will change your life for the better.
8) Take care of your body. Self-love. Self-love. Self-love. Please. You are beautiful. Do what makes you feel the best in your skin. Love the way you look after a spray tan? Do it. Feeling just a little bit more confident after eyelash extensions? Go for it. Need to try stop eating sweets for a few days? Try it! You got this! Find what makes your soul smile. Find what makes your soul happy with itself.
9) Find a home for your soul. Find what makes your heart feel like an oozing, warm, chocolate-chip cookie. Find your soul a hug from mom. Find what makes your soul glisten with hope.
10) Put on a fresh coat of nail polish if you want to move on from that nasty habit of biting your nails. Okay, I know this one is kind of a stupid one, but I promise this really worked for me. Not everything has to be a biiig, moral-compassed lesson (this is undeniably true if you know me), but I guess, if this was to be a big metephor, I would say, find what makes you look another direction, into the direction of hope and happiness; instead of focusing on your bad habits. If you remind yourself that the parts of you that make you insecure are the parts that God purposely placed there, creating them intricately and delicately and with with every detail possible - you'll realize that the "ugly" parts of you are more beautiful than you could ever comprehend!
11) Dance. CHEESY. I KNOW. Urgh I know man. I am in loooove with dancing. I love scrolling through Instagram and seeing those amazing dance videos in those cool studios - you know that if you were in those videos, you would be the weird girl perked in the side cheering and whooping in jealousy because the person performing is a fucking bad ass - yeah, those videos. Put on some music and dance like no one is watching. There's just something about dancing, it makes you feel... gorgeous. Even if you do look stupid as fuck.
12) There are going to be moments when you cry about something that happened years ago, even when you thought you got over it a looong time ago. The truth is, the things that we hurt most over hurt because we really loved and cared about those things, with every bone in our bodies. We wanted those things to work out, we wanted those things to be happy, and we wanted those things to be in our future. But, things end, even if we don't want them to sometimes. Time works through those tough times, and eventually, your big heart learns to move on. But, there will be moments when little things that remind you of moments that were important to you even if they were moments that happened a century ago. Pain refuses to remain unheard and unfelt, and sometimes you give in to those feelings because, hey, you still remember how to feel, and because you still remember how to be vulnerable. Eventually, when that pain settles, smile, because you know you still have hope that that happiness is coming back around - and ultimately, hope is what gets us to that happiness.
13) You are capable of giving grace, and you are capable of recieving grace. Grace is a funny thing, and something that I truly have a hard time comprehending. In fact, it's probably one of those things we never really do understand in this life time. Sometimes people will surprise you and forgive you for things that you can't even find within to forgive yourself. Sometimes, even though you want to say mean, nasty things to someone who deserves it, you'll find yourself overcome with a kind of peace and calm that you know isn't coming from you, and show grace. You'll show kindness that won't only surprise yourself but the person that hurt you. Grace is something none of us on this Earth deserves, but it is something that we should take because ultimately, it makes us gracious to others.
14) Courage is not only for knowing when to stay, but also knowing when to leave.
15) Don't forget your dreams, and don't forget to use those dreams to help the universe.
16) It's okay to miss someone you don't think you can miss. We inevitably mourn those who made our souls happy, and that is okay.
17) Write letters and lists. a) letters help make you let go of the feelings that you bottle deep within your soul and find out ultimately what you are really feeling, especially when you can't figure out yourself just quite exactly you are feeling. b) lists keep you organized. They help you to accomplish things! They figure out what you really want to do in the day. Hell, they help you remember what you want to do in your life!
18) Send those letters and finish those lists. Ok, I know that's scary. But what is the point of keeping what you feel to yourself? Once you figure out what you're feeling, tell people how you feel. Would you want to go all your life wondering what it would feel like if that person knew? No. No, I won't let you live like that. Second of all, do the things on your lists. This is key (aaaand something that I, not going to lie, need to do a lot better in). If we keep waiting for life to hand us things that we don't work for, we are waiting for Godot. Girl, you get what you earn. If you want it, go and get it.
19) Never, ever get tinder. You will find people there that you never ever want to see there. Love does not work this way. Trust me, you don't want to make this mistake. Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh, no way amigo. nada para mi, gracias.
20) It is okay to be angry at God, just tell Him that you're angry at him (lovingly, preferably). Weird one to end on, but, I guess, there were moments in life that I found myself soooooo mad at God. I didn't want to address my anger, or be a "disappointing Christian", so I kept to myself. I did what every Christian did on the outside, but in the inside, I was dying and in spiritual warfare. Not until I had a complete meltdown where I punched pillows, burned pictures cried my eyes out, and screamed at God, did I feel some sort of peace. Contradicting much? I know. Yes, the process sucks, but when did happiness come out of easy, comfortable situations? Happiness comes at times when we believe we have nothing and are nothing. The truth is, the sooner you realize you are angry, the sooner you learn to let that anger go. Don't go through life inflating a bubble that needs to pop. God knows how you feel, and is understanding when it comes to what you're feeling. He gets you. In fact, He gets you the best. He loves you and wants whats best for you. Let Him give you the best.
Okay, well, I guess that's what I learned this year. Lots of painful things, but also a lot of beautiful things. I guess life is a rollercoaster. Funny that I continue to relearn this every year of my life. God is probably laughing at me up there, I don't blame him. I wonder what will happen this year. I hope, God, I hope I learn to love again, I hope I learn to feel loved - and most importantly, I hope my dreams come true.
I love you, you beautiful human.
you are never, ever, ever alone. You hear me?
I love you.
- a little bit older, but still, teeny, tiny & terrified.
Welp. I never thought it was possible that I could feel as pruny as I do now! Scrolling back to my 19th birthday entry, I can't even believe that I felt pruny in that moment. 20 year old Lauren is laughing at 19 year old Lauren very, very much right now. I can't even imagine what 40 year old Lauren is going to even think when she sees these entries. She's probably still thinking Ah Lauren, you silly joke of a human you - I'm glad some things will never change. :'-)
-
I hate birthdays for two reasons.
One, I get anxiety from the fear that all my best friends will forget my birthday, act like it's just a normal day (because it really is a normal day), and forget who I am and I guess I'm just going to die on the spot from feeling like total speck of worthless dust - and also because I can't stop myself from constructing long, jumbled, not-well-thought-out run on sentences. Oops, I just did it again. Two, the fear that I might cry on this day once again because a) sadly, crying is all I have ever known to do on my birthday, and b) because I fear this is another year of carrying the same burdens.
But this year, this year for me was different.
...and I am happy to reveal I did NOT cry on my birthday this year! Yay! Accomplishments!!!
For those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, hi mom, I see you (and only you), you know that I have a tradition of always making it a habit of finding what I am grateful for most from that year. So, without further ado, here is a list of 20 things I learned from this year.
In this year, I learned...
1) If you find the right female warriors, you will be okay being by yourself. This is a real one. I know for you ladies out there right now who can not even imagine being without your manz, I just want to reasure you right now. It is damn possible. In fact it's kind of easy. I know it doesn't seem like that right now, but I promise you, if you find the right women, the ones that lift you up and make you feel like the beautiful thing you are, you will find men kind of pointless. You will find yourself actually wanting to go home from a party with the gal pals and not desperate to find any sort of electric moment with some stupid boy that won't even treat you with the respect you deserve. If you find the right girl friends, you will find just how much you are truly worth.
2) A relationship is a job for two. If a relationship is ruined, it is okay to know that you made mistakes too. This one was a hard one for me to learn. I hate being wrong. I hate being the mean one, but the truth is, there are moments when I am soooo far from being perfect. In fact, none of us are and ever can be. I keep having to remind myself this. I can never be perfect. Ugh. Isn't that frustrating? The undeniable truth is, we hurt people, even if we can't imagine ourselves doing so. We can pretend like we share none of the blame, and let it hurt your heart for the rest of your life. We can live with the bitter resentment against a person that you know you still love and care about, or you can accept that you did fuck some stuff up - and then learn to forgive yourself. You can move on, and swear to never do what you did again.
3) There are moments when romantics lose all hope of finding love. This is a sad truth, and one that I found to be exceptionally predominant for me this year. Love has seem to lose its touch. It seemed to have lost its magic. Love seemed to only leave me heartbroken and battered to the ground. I have always been a romantic, I have always been so open and enthusiastic when it comes to the idea of love. I welcome love into my life thinking that even though I open the doors to my life, people won't inevitably walk out. Yet, this year, any time I come close to finding real love, I pull away. I'm so afraid of getting hurt, I find myself forcing myself to focus my energy and time on everything and anything else.
Don't pull away from love.
4) People will leave you, and that is okay. Even the ones that you thought would stay - sometimes we lose people we thought would live in our hearts for a life time. Most of the time, they were never planning on staying from the beginning. Most of the time, they were never worth any second of our precious time.
5) People will hate you because of reasons you cannot understand, and it will shatter your world. People talk shit. People love talking shit, especially when it's about the people who never want to make mistakes from the beginning. If someone is able to have even a millisecond of attention, they will take it. They will take it, forget about your feelings and rip your heart into bits. Sometimes it's hard to understand, but please, please, cut those people from your lives and know that they have no relevance to your life whatsoever. There is no need to please them, just keep your head up high and - go.
6) You will fuck up. Biiiiiiig time. Ha, this is real one again. I fucked up big time this year. It sucks in the moment. Sometimes the consequences will suck for a long time, maybe we won't understand why we did it, but everything has their purposes. God's got this.
7) MAKE IMPULSE DECISIONS!!! Apply to be a camp counselor in Michigan. Talk to that person in class that makes you laugh. Be gutsy, girlie. The second you're out of your comfort zone, you'll learn just how strong you are, just how wonderfully brave you are. The best things happen when you're totally left with nothing, in the middle of butt fuck no where Michigan - and maybe you'll find people that will change your life for the better.
8) Take care of your body. Self-love. Self-love. Self-love. Please. You are beautiful. Do what makes you feel the best in your skin. Love the way you look after a spray tan? Do it. Feeling just a little bit more confident after eyelash extensions? Go for it. Need to try stop eating sweets for a few days? Try it! You got this! Find what makes your soul smile. Find what makes your soul happy with itself.
9) Find a home for your soul. Find what makes your heart feel like an oozing, warm, chocolate-chip cookie. Find your soul a hug from mom. Find what makes your soul glisten with hope.
10) Put on a fresh coat of nail polish if you want to move on from that nasty habit of biting your nails. Okay, I know this one is kind of a stupid one, but I promise this really worked for me. Not everything has to be a biiig, moral-compassed lesson (this is undeniably true if you know me), but I guess, if this was to be a big metephor, I would say, find what makes you look another direction, into the direction of hope and happiness; instead of focusing on your bad habits. If you remind yourself that the parts of you that make you insecure are the parts that God purposely placed there, creating them intricately and delicately and with with every detail possible - you'll realize that the "ugly" parts of you are more beautiful than you could ever comprehend!
11) Dance. CHEESY. I KNOW. Urgh I know man. I am in loooove with dancing. I love scrolling through Instagram and seeing those amazing dance videos in those cool studios - you know that if you were in those videos, you would be the weird girl perked in the side cheering and whooping in jealousy because the person performing is a fucking bad ass - yeah, those videos. Put on some music and dance like no one is watching. There's just something about dancing, it makes you feel... gorgeous. Even if you do look stupid as fuck.
12) There are going to be moments when you cry about something that happened years ago, even when you thought you got over it a looong time ago. The truth is, the things that we hurt most over hurt because we really loved and cared about those things, with every bone in our bodies. We wanted those things to work out, we wanted those things to be happy, and we wanted those things to be in our future. But, things end, even if we don't want them to sometimes. Time works through those tough times, and eventually, your big heart learns to move on. But, there will be moments when little things that remind you of moments that were important to you even if they were moments that happened a century ago. Pain refuses to remain unheard and unfelt, and sometimes you give in to those feelings because, hey, you still remember how to feel, and because you still remember how to be vulnerable. Eventually, when that pain settles, smile, because you know you still have hope that that happiness is coming back around - and ultimately, hope is what gets us to that happiness.
13) You are capable of giving grace, and you are capable of recieving grace. Grace is a funny thing, and something that I truly have a hard time comprehending. In fact, it's probably one of those things we never really do understand in this life time. Sometimes people will surprise you and forgive you for things that you can't even find within to forgive yourself. Sometimes, even though you want to say mean, nasty things to someone who deserves it, you'll find yourself overcome with a kind of peace and calm that you know isn't coming from you, and show grace. You'll show kindness that won't only surprise yourself but the person that hurt you. Grace is something none of us on this Earth deserves, but it is something that we should take because ultimately, it makes us gracious to others.
14) Courage is not only for knowing when to stay, but also knowing when to leave.
15) Don't forget your dreams, and don't forget to use those dreams to help the universe.
16) It's okay to miss someone you don't think you can miss. We inevitably mourn those who made our souls happy, and that is okay.
17) Write letters and lists. a) letters help make you let go of the feelings that you bottle deep within your soul and find out ultimately what you are really feeling, especially when you can't figure out yourself just quite exactly you are feeling. b) lists keep you organized. They help you to accomplish things! They figure out what you really want to do in the day. Hell, they help you remember what you want to do in your life!
18) Send those letters and finish those lists. Ok, I know that's scary. But what is the point of keeping what you feel to yourself? Once you figure out what you're feeling, tell people how you feel. Would you want to go all your life wondering what it would feel like if that person knew? No. No, I won't let you live like that. Second of all, do the things on your lists. This is key (aaaand something that I, not going to lie, need to do a lot better in). If we keep waiting for life to hand us things that we don't work for, we are waiting for Godot. Girl, you get what you earn. If you want it, go and get it.
19) Never, ever get tinder. You will find people there that you never ever want to see there. Love does not work this way. Trust me, you don't want to make this mistake. Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh, no way amigo. nada para mi, gracias.
20) It is okay to be angry at God, just tell Him that you're angry at him (lovingly, preferably). Weird one to end on, but, I guess, there were moments in life that I found myself soooooo mad at God. I didn't want to address my anger, or be a "disappointing Christian", so I kept to myself. I did what every Christian did on the outside, but in the inside, I was dying and in spiritual warfare. Not until I had a complete meltdown where I punched pillows, burned pictures cried my eyes out, and screamed at God, did I feel some sort of peace. Contradicting much? I know. Yes, the process sucks, but when did happiness come out of easy, comfortable situations? Happiness comes at times when we believe we have nothing and are nothing. The truth is, the sooner you realize you are angry, the sooner you learn to let that anger go. Don't go through life inflating a bubble that needs to pop. God knows how you feel, and is understanding when it comes to what you're feeling. He gets you. In fact, He gets you the best. He loves you and wants whats best for you. Let Him give you the best.
Okay, well, I guess that's what I learned this year. Lots of painful things, but also a lot of beautiful things. I guess life is a rollercoaster. Funny that I continue to relearn this every year of my life. God is probably laughing at me up there, I don't blame him. I wonder what will happen this year. I hope, God, I hope I learn to love again, I hope I learn to feel loved - and most importantly, I hope my dreams come true.
I love you, you beautiful human.
you are never, ever, ever alone. You hear me?
I love you.
- a little bit older, but still, teeny, tiny & terrified.
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