I am Not God

 (Lol^)

Last night, I finally closed my computer after watching the dumbest show on the planet: We Bare Bears (OK, like definitely not a kids show, there are so many lowkey adult jokz I'm SHOOK). I looked to my right side hopeful to see my adorable roomie, only to remember Shanbob is in Wisconsin playing hockey. Sad. Poop. Lonely!

I try my best to fall asleep, but the silence in my room only leads me to feel even more awake! My mind starts to drift further and further away from wanting to get sleep and my head is opened ajar.

Suddenly, as I start to pray, a realization hits me like a train

And get this,

I realized -

I am not God.



=.='




I know what you must be thinking, OK Lauren, I mean, clearly you are not God. Duh. Yes, yes I know that I am not physically God. I know I don't have a long beard, I know I am no Morgan Freeman, nor am I in heaven watching and manipulating everything going on this planet and chilling with Jesus.

I am clearly just a human being. A small human being. A little girl who has no idea what the fuck she's doing in this life.


Let me give you a little bit of context.


When I say I realized I am not God, I realized that I don't have any sort of super power that can heal people, like God can. I'm that kid that knows that there are no superheros in the world, but lowkey still waits for her super powers to come in one night and shock her like a spider bite.

I am not God, I cannot cure diseases. I am not God, I cannot make your sadness disappear just like that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I really, really want to. I am not God, and I cannot change your life.

What I mean is that, sometimes, a lot of times, I really want to be the person that saves people. I want to be the person that you tell your problems to and immediately I am able to rip open my shirt to reveal my badass superhero outfit and fix whatever it is that is hurting your heart. I wish to be that old grandma that gives you chicken soup and bundles you in blankets, that when you take that first sip of soup, all of the pain and badness in your heart disappears.

I want to be that for you, so bad.

But I can't.

I come to realize, that truly, that isn't my job.

I have this friend and she's amazing and wonderful, and I just think the whole world of her. Recently, she has been going through some bad stuff, painful stuff. Everyday feels almost like a cycle, like she has to relive the same pain day after day, night after night. Even though I know she's healing, little by little. But from where I am standing, sometimes it's hard to see that. Sometimes instead of going on a steady slope upwards to recovery, she goes to a place where it seems she took a million steps back -  and all I want to do is catch her. I want to catch her and throw her up to the moon and the stars where she deserves to be. Where she belongs.

But I can't.

And I wish that I could.

***

I did this stupid thing this week that left me so embarrassed for days after days. I'd literally hide my face in pillows and wish I could stay there forever; never having to fear reliving my embarrassing actions. How dare my actions have consequences.

Basically, what I did was so stupid; I told someone that I shouldn't have that I found this person amazing, wonderful and deserving.
Don't get drunk kids!

I mean, at least it wasn't mean!
And this person's response?

"why would you say that?"

CRINGE. I am cringing at myself.

I guess what I am saying, for the longest time I felt like such a stupid idiot, I mean he's so right, who even says that kind of thing?!

And then I realized, I do. I mean I do all the time, to literally everyone that I know, sober or not sober.  That's literally who I am, I love to remind people just how amazing they are and how much happiness they give me, how much they make the world a better place. After everything I've been through and all the hate that I have witnessed, I would rather spend my time writing nice texts, than spend my time recieving nasty messages, getting spit on and feeling like I am not worthy. I've been there, and I'd rather not make anyone feel the same way I felt. I'd rather spread love and not hate. I'd rather raise people up than push them down.
I'd rather fill people up.
& it fills me up!

So then I realized,  if someone could reject kind words about themselves from someone that doesn't even really know them, and then proceed to make them feel bad about saying those words, well, there's only one explaination for that kind of response.

And it hit me.

The thing is, all my life, I always thought because of everything that I went through, that I was that girl at the party who stands at the corner, awkwardly swaying to the music that she does not know. I thought I was that girl that walked in a 3 person group who trailed behind in the back on a 2 person path. I thought I was the one that goes red when people give me any kind of attention.

I thought I was the insecure one.

And that night, I realized I wasn't alone. In fact, maybe there are people that feel even worse than I do. And for the longest time I couldn't even imagine that.

For so long, I kept thinking that I could fix people. I think that I can say nice things, do nice things, and people will look at themselves in the mirror and feel so much better about themselves, because they can finally see themselves the way I see them. Yet, recently, even though I try, it seems to me that no matter what I do, I cannot fill a person.

I am simply not God.
I cannot fill you.

Only you can find what fills you.
Only you can fill you.

And, that goes for me too.
I am not filled.
I am not filled, and I, myself cannot fully fill myself.
I need God. I need love. I need hope. I need inspiration. I need my will, my perserverance and my passion - to make this world a better place to feel full.

We are not filled.
And maybe we never truly will be. But know, whatever you need to fill yourself, find that thing - and then, never let it go.

Don't turn your back on the people that want to help fill you. Don't reject them, because people are only people -

and they are not God.

They will give up.

So hold onto your filling tightly.

I will always try my best to fill you.

Even if I fail, I know that's okay.

I will try to keep trying.


                                                                                                        Yours truly,
                                                                                                         Teeny, tiny & terrified.