A Feeling

A feeling:

It was like fireworks, like gooey fireworks, melting on a sizzling pan, exploding with colors that I never even knew existed.
Man, you kissed me and my whole world became an ornament.
Not the stupid plastic ones that you see on those commercial trees in the malls, but the special ones, that are glass, transparent, and have delicate snowflakes and glitter in them. They depict a precious, snow-covered scene in this one, teensy ornament.
My world became this beautiful, fragile ornament.
My world became yours, and this moment, this kiss, became our little snow-covered scene.
You got to hold onto our little ornament, my world was in your hands,
and I was okay with that.
I felt so safe in your hands.
I ran up the stairs that night, and for the first time in my life, I prayed with every little bone I had in my body.
The words "Just make this last" were repeated and whispered in my tiny bed maybe a million times, until my eyes couldn't keep themselves open anymore.
The world was so good.
Love was alive.
It was so real.
I could feel love for you in my pinky toe.
And I had my world right in front of me.

A feeling:

It was like fireworks, the way I remember what happened that night with you. The night comes to me in bits and pieces like fireworks, exciting to tell my friends, but moments with you disappearing into darkness in my mind.
Man, you kissed me, and my whole world was spinning.
I was stumbling, not sure what I was doing.
You held me like I depended on you.
Because maybe I actually did, in order for me to walk straight.
The Christmas lights spun around me, dancing, like we were.
You were sweet, and I missed sweet.
I wasn't used to someone staying anymore.
I forgot what that was like.
Because, I guess my world became a fragile ornament, and I didn't want someone to shatter my world,
again.
I forgot what love is supposed to feel like.
I felt alive,
but love seemed like a once upon a time fairytale.
I think I never got it right.
But I really liked you being there. Maybe you'll teach me again.
But for now,
It was like fireworks, all my feelings in the moment. Confusingly colorful, loud, and everywhere. If I wasn't sipping champagne, I don't think I would have dared to feel fireworks with you.

A feeling:

The ornament was dropped.
Fireworks stopped shooting.
I stopped running up the stairs.

A feeling:

The ornament was ruined, and could never be fixed.
But a brand new one is coming ready to be hung up on the tree.
And maybe, it'll be a star for the tippity top of the tree.

Fireworks stopped shooting, and the smoke settled in the night sky.
But I am no longer looking for fireworks. I look for Christmas lights. Consistent, surrounding, colorful and comforting.

I stopped running up the stairs, because the flights of stairs became so repetitive and I grew so tired and so breathless.
But I reached the top, and it's beautiful up here. When I left you a few flights down, suddenly, I could run again.

A feeling:

Feelings are feelings, and sometimes we can't describe the immense happiness we've learned in a mere moment. Sometimes we can't describe the immense sadness we felt all in just one moment.
Some feelings are left indescribable because their yours.
Yours to hold and keep as your own, unique story.
Yours to build yourself up, to protect yourself, to open yourself.
Feelings are yours to understand yourself.
I have been broken,
and it's taken me a lifetime to fix.
I guess, It isn't even fully fixed yet.
It's been hard to admit that, but I think I'm finally courageous enought to admit that.

To not grieve, means that you are not capable of love.
Not grieving does not make you strong.
It makes you unavailable.
It makes you far away.
It makes you not human.

Today, I allow myself to be available.
I allow myself to be close.
I allow myself to be human.

I allow myself to grieve about the past, to grieve about the feelings I've lost and the feelings I've gained in everything that I have fought through, and gotten out alive from.
I grieve, because maybe, in this fine new year of 2019, I'm finally ready to feel again.

A feeling:

I believe in you. Vulnerability is bravery. Be brave with me, we're ready to feel again.
to begin again.

I love you.

                                                                                          - teeny, tiny & terrified