I'm Sorry
"I'm sorry"
The two words that take everything in you to say. The two words that often mean nothing to those who say it too much, or the two words that mean too much to those who can never say it
"I'm sorry"
The two most humbling words a person could ever say. The two most raw, humane, empathetic words that could ever come out of our mouths
"I'm sorry"
A step off from the pedestal, two words that reach out for your hand. Two words that surrender it all, put down all the weapons, and break down all the concrete walls
"I'm sorry"
I'm hanging on a cliff, holding onto a rock that seems to be slipping now. The waves are crashing 2000 feet below. The jagged rocks look like shiny pins from up here, but I won't look down. I look to you. A beat. You stand, above looking down at me.
"I'm sorry."
What's your next move?
All my faith is in your hands. You get the power. I hear only the thumping of my heartbeat, electrified, terrified.
What will you do with all that power? What choice will you make?
Today, I come to your doorsteps. Today, I am defenseless, no harming words, no harming tools,
just me. Me and my nakey soul. heh.
Me, I wanna get better. I always do. But, recently I have been feeling like the walls around me have grown higher and higher, and today, I want to tear them all down. I want to shake off this itchy, aggitating skin, and be anew. I want to say I'm sorry to all the people that I have hurt in any way. Even when I am unaware of it. I want to put all my faith in you. I want you to know that I don't stand on a pedestal. I stand below you, humbled, that I can even be.
And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I fail, that in moments I can choose me over you, that I can be a stupid doo doo head and get so defensive. I'm so sorry I get frustrated with myself and can take it out on you. I'm sorry I make poor decisions in the heat of moments, that I say stupid, hurtful things when I'm hurt sometimes. I'm sorry that I let my insecurites get ahold of who I am.
I'm so so so so sorry.
At the end of the day, I don't want to ever choose me. Never ever.
So, right here, right now... here are some of my sorries:
I'm sorry I turned around and whipped my head away, grabbed her by the arm and ran away. I'm sorry I didn't know what to say. I'm sorry I ran, I didn't know how to tell you how I really felt. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, I just wanted space to breathe and to grow. I just couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't do it to you anymore. It was so mean, and I should have just told you how I felt, I just - I just really didn't want to hurt you.
I'm sorry I can talk smack. I am sorry I said stupid, hurtful things about you behind your back when I got mad at you. I'm sorry I lashed out and used words that can feel like knives and swords. I'm sorry that toxic words came flying out of my mouth before I could stop them. I'm sorry in moments I lose control of who I am, and a big, scary Lauren monster comes out from the dark.
I'm sorry I texted you back angry and condemning. I was so frustrated and I hated that I had done that. I was defensive and at times, I found myself needing to be right to be okay with myself. What a horrible truth. I tell myself this now: I don't need to be right, I just need to be sorry.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you money when you needed it. I'm one of those people that only carry their credit cards and I promise I am trying to work on it. Humans help humans out, and I'm sorry I couldn't even show you a small, simple act of kindness. I promise you I'm working on it, I won't disappoint you next time.
I'm sorry that I am brutally honest, that I can get so judgy sometimes. I'm such a know-it-all sometimes, it's probably my worst, worst worst quality, and I friggin hate it so much!!! I want to tell you honest things without being judgy. I want to use words of kindness to raise you up.
I'm sorry if it seems like I saw you and you saw me and I didn't wave or smile at you. Urgh. That's so mean. I promise you I'm going blind, and I really can't see anything more than 5 feet away from me, everything just becomes a jumble, and faces look like blurs like they do in those documentaries. I have glasses but I really, really look like a pancake when I wear them. Honestly, I'm so sorry if you have seen me in them! I promise I'm going to the eye doctor soon!!!
I'm sorry if sometimes I don't say the things I am feeling and let it blow up sometimes. I push them down because I don't want you to think I'm crazy, that I'm not chill. I think the honest truth at the end of the day is that I am so not chill. I think that's just something I need to accept. I want to be honest with you and tell you how I really feel.
I'm so sorry if I say things that are hurtful. I don't know why I do it. Sometimes, it scares me that I am not even aware that I am doing something hurtful. I would hate to do that so much. I can be a wreck sometimes, an absolute train wreck. In some moments, I feel so small, so insecure that I don't know how to stop the rising feeling of envy and jealousy from coming up in my chest. If I say something hurtful, I hope you know it's most likely because I probably envy who you are. I want to be more like you.
I'm sorry if you were having a bad, terrible day, and I didn't take the time to realize it, or ask you about your day. I'm sorry I was too self absorbed to ask. I hope I can ask you more, and I hope I can unlock anything that hurts your soul. I want to help.
I'm sorry if I talk too much about myself. I used to think that I had a hard time talking about myself, but sometimes I feel like I'm babbling on and on, it can be so annoying!!! I'm so sorry if I put myself first. That's a butt ugly trait to have, yuck.
I'm so sorry if I lose my shit. Sometimes, my patience is the size of the pea, I'm tired and probably hung over. Which is completely my own fault (lol). You were just trying to be funny, and I appreciate it. It's my fault I can be a grump!!!
I'm so sorry that I can be ugly on the inside. I can be a horrendous monster, and no one is more disappointed in myself than I am. I'm so sorry if I've ever shown you my monster side. Thank you for loving me even with my monster side.
I'm so sorry I am so loud when I try to go to bed. rip. There are always a million things I need to put down beside my bed. I promise I'm working on it!!
I'm sorry I used a terrible tone of voice to you when I was upset about the train. It is not your fault that the train broke down. It is completely on me to be responsible. I am so sorry that you have to deal with annoying customers like me. I really appreciate you. In fact, I admire everything about you, and your beautiful spirit. Thank you for keeping me calm and relaxed, and I'm so sorry I ugly cried to you about missing my flight. heh.
I could go on and on with my sorries, and for anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to be caught in between my hurtful, terrible actions, I am so so so so so so, infinitely sorry. I really will do anything to make it up to you.
You are amazing, and beautiful, and wonderful, and brave and I want to learn from you.
I hope you can forgive me. I hope you'll show love and kindness, and reach out your hand.
If not, I get it too. I'll always love you.
I'm working on who I want to be, and there are times when I find myself in a place where I am not the person I want to be. In those moments, I know it's time to move on, and I'm sorry I had to move on. It's not on you to make me a better person. It's on me.
Today, I stand at your doorsteps with my head down. I hope you will find the doorsteps you need to stand on.
And if you are on the other side of that door, I ask you this again today:
What will you do with that power? What choice will you make?
The two words that take everything in you to say. The two words that often mean nothing to those who say it too much, or the two words that mean too much to those who can never say it
"I'm sorry"
The two most humbling words a person could ever say. The two most raw, humane, empathetic words that could ever come out of our mouths
"I'm sorry"
A step off from the pedestal, two words that reach out for your hand. Two words that surrender it all, put down all the weapons, and break down all the concrete walls
"I'm sorry"
I'm hanging on a cliff, holding onto a rock that seems to be slipping now. The waves are crashing 2000 feet below. The jagged rocks look like shiny pins from up here, but I won't look down. I look to you. A beat. You stand, above looking down at me.
"I'm sorry."
What's your next move?
All my faith is in your hands. You get the power. I hear only the thumping of my heartbeat, electrified, terrified.
What will you do with all that power? What choice will you make?
* * *
Today, I come to your doorsteps. Today, I am defenseless, no harming words, no harming tools,
just me. Me and my nakey soul. heh.
Me, I wanna get better. I always do. But, recently I have been feeling like the walls around me have grown higher and higher, and today, I want to tear them all down. I want to shake off this itchy, aggitating skin, and be anew. I want to say I'm sorry to all the people that I have hurt in any way. Even when I am unaware of it. I want to put all my faith in you. I want you to know that I don't stand on a pedestal. I stand below you, humbled, that I can even be.
And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I fail, that in moments I can choose me over you, that I can be a stupid doo doo head and get so defensive. I'm so sorry I get frustrated with myself and can take it out on you. I'm sorry I make poor decisions in the heat of moments, that I say stupid, hurtful things when I'm hurt sometimes. I'm sorry that I let my insecurites get ahold of who I am.
I'm so so so so sorry.
At the end of the day, I don't want to ever choose me. Never ever.
So, right here, right now... here are some of my sorries:
I'm sorry I turned around and whipped my head away, grabbed her by the arm and ran away. I'm sorry I didn't know what to say. I'm sorry I ran, I didn't know how to tell you how I really felt. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, I just wanted space to breathe and to grow. I just couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't do it to you anymore. It was so mean, and I should have just told you how I felt, I just - I just really didn't want to hurt you.
I'm sorry I can talk smack. I am sorry I said stupid, hurtful things about you behind your back when I got mad at you. I'm sorry I lashed out and used words that can feel like knives and swords. I'm sorry that toxic words came flying out of my mouth before I could stop them. I'm sorry in moments I lose control of who I am, and a big, scary Lauren monster comes out from the dark.
I'm sorry I texted you back angry and condemning. I was so frustrated and I hated that I had done that. I was defensive and at times, I found myself needing to be right to be okay with myself. What a horrible truth. I tell myself this now: I don't need to be right, I just need to be sorry.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you money when you needed it. I'm one of those people that only carry their credit cards and I promise I am trying to work on it. Humans help humans out, and I'm sorry I couldn't even show you a small, simple act of kindness. I promise you I'm working on it, I won't disappoint you next time.
I'm sorry that I am brutally honest, that I can get so judgy sometimes. I'm such a know-it-all sometimes, it's probably my worst, worst worst quality, and I friggin hate it so much!!! I want to tell you honest things without being judgy. I want to use words of kindness to raise you up.
I'm sorry if it seems like I saw you and you saw me and I didn't wave or smile at you. Urgh. That's so mean. I promise you I'm going blind, and I really can't see anything more than 5 feet away from me, everything just becomes a jumble, and faces look like blurs like they do in those documentaries. I have glasses but I really, really look like a pancake when I wear them. Honestly, I'm so sorry if you have seen me in them! I promise I'm going to the eye doctor soon!!!
I'm sorry if sometimes I don't say the things I am feeling and let it blow up sometimes. I push them down because I don't want you to think I'm crazy, that I'm not chill. I think the honest truth at the end of the day is that I am so not chill. I think that's just something I need to accept. I want to be honest with you and tell you how I really feel.
I'm so sorry if I say things that are hurtful. I don't know why I do it. Sometimes, it scares me that I am not even aware that I am doing something hurtful. I would hate to do that so much. I can be a wreck sometimes, an absolute train wreck. In some moments, I feel so small, so insecure that I don't know how to stop the rising feeling of envy and jealousy from coming up in my chest. If I say something hurtful, I hope you know it's most likely because I probably envy who you are. I want to be more like you.
I'm sorry if you were having a bad, terrible day, and I didn't take the time to realize it, or ask you about your day. I'm sorry I was too self absorbed to ask. I hope I can ask you more, and I hope I can unlock anything that hurts your soul. I want to help.
I'm sorry if I talk too much about myself. I used to think that I had a hard time talking about myself, but sometimes I feel like I'm babbling on and on, it can be so annoying!!! I'm so sorry if I put myself first. That's a butt ugly trait to have, yuck.
I'm so sorry if I lose my shit. Sometimes, my patience is the size of the pea, I'm tired and probably hung over. Which is completely my own fault (lol). You were just trying to be funny, and I appreciate it. It's my fault I can be a grump!!!
I'm so sorry that I can be ugly on the inside. I can be a horrendous monster, and no one is more disappointed in myself than I am. I'm so sorry if I've ever shown you my monster side. Thank you for loving me even with my monster side.
I'm so sorry I am so loud when I try to go to bed. rip. There are always a million things I need to put down beside my bed. I promise I'm working on it!!
I'm sorry I used a terrible tone of voice to you when I was upset about the train. It is not your fault that the train broke down. It is completely on me to be responsible. I am so sorry that you have to deal with annoying customers like me. I really appreciate you. In fact, I admire everything about you, and your beautiful spirit. Thank you for keeping me calm and relaxed, and I'm so sorry I ugly cried to you about missing my flight. heh.
I could go on and on with my sorries, and for anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to be caught in between my hurtful, terrible actions, I am so so so so so so, infinitely sorry. I really will do anything to make it up to you.
You are amazing, and beautiful, and wonderful, and brave and I want to learn from you.
I hope you can forgive me. I hope you'll show love and kindness, and reach out your hand.
If not, I get it too. I'll always love you.
I'm working on who I want to be, and there are times when I find myself in a place where I am not the person I want to be. In those moments, I know it's time to move on, and I'm sorry I had to move on. It's not on you to make me a better person. It's on me.
Today, I stand at your doorsteps with my head down. I hope you will find the doorsteps you need to stand on.
And if you are on the other side of that door, I ask you this again today:
What will you do with that power? What choice will you make?
I hope you always choose love. I hope you always choose kindness. I hope you always choose to forgive.
I hope you choose empathy.
I hope you choose empathy.
You are never, ever alone.
- Teeny, tiny, terrified & sorry
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