Baby

There are times when you find yourself feeling like a big. fat. baby.

We cry for no reason, we want to sleep for 20 hours out of the day, and we even find ourselves feeling like we've pooped ourselves (metaphorically, I really hope for most of us).
Recently, not only do I find myself wetting myself more (lol jk ;)) and wanting my mom more than ever, but I find myself feeling like a kid with blocks on a fuzzy carpet.

Picture this: the classic baby in a diaper, sitting on a round fuzzy green carpet, a crib sits at the corner of the room. The baby is sitting down smack in the middle of the carpet, with a binky in his mouth. In each hand, teeny, cute fingers hold colorful blocks. Blocks of magnificent colors surrounding him, as he builds a new vibrant far away world just for him. A world so innocent and bright.

I feel like that baby, except I'm scared. I am terrified of building a new world.
I feel like I am holding onto these blocks trying to build something, something beautiful and something new. Sometimes I feel like a baby Trump, trying to build a wall, that would be impossible for anyone to get to, for anyone to harm. Sometimes, I want to build a wall so high and tall, that I could block out the sunlight, so that I can be alone, comfortable and safe in my own world.

Then sometimes, I want to knock those blocks down and start again. I want to stop stacking them higher and higher, I want to see the sun and the stars and the trees. I want to see the ocean. I want to dive into the cold water and meet a whale. That would be sick. I've never seen a whale!! We're going off track here. heh.

Sometimes, I want to be like Zaha Hadid. A masterful architect, building and making shapes the world has never seen before. I want to be the new. I want to be the never before seen kindness, I want to be the never before seen good. But, that's hard to build when you don't even know what 'good' is anymore. Sometimes I want to be curvy, wavy, crumply, squiggly, zigzaggy, and curly. Sometimes, I just want to be different. Urgh. soo cliche. I want to create something so beautiful and unique, something the world has never seen before.

And sometimes, sometimes I don't even want to touch those blocks. Sometimes, those blocks are like hot lava, and the only way to avoid it is to get away from it. Sometimes, I don't even feel like I have anything to build. I feel like I might not have a good idea, I might not have a plan, I might not have a future. Sometimes, I just want to feel love in my hands again, but the idea of holding something so wonderful seems too nervewracking and too dreamy to be real.

I'm just this useless, dumb baby, sometimes. Everything is so raw, everything is so fragile, so vulnerable and so easily broken. I feel like all I want to do is keep myself in this bubble, the bubble where the world is good, where the world is beautiful, not broken, not plagued with war, hurtful words, power and destruction.

But you see, the baby's gotta grow. We all gotta grow. We all go into the big bad world, exposed to these broken parts, and this world molds us to be the freaked out adults we are today.

Sometimes, we just have to remember the babies we once were. We gotta be fearless, shoot our shots, we gotta lay down that foundation. We have to lay down this foundation that's unbreakable, trustworthy and always there. Then, we can build a better world. A world with no walls, a world with vibrant colors, a world where we can share blocks.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Build a new world with me :)

You will never build a world alone.

                                                                                          - teeny, tiny & terrified