Self-isolation

The world is falling apart and I refuse to acknowledge it. The floors are cracking, and yet I continue to dance, skipping between the cracks and humming a sad song. As I tuck myself to bed, I hear the monsters growling softly, their warm breath just barely tickling the hair behind my ear. I swallow and pray until I am in another world, dreaming. I dream about the world falling apart. I wake up to the same scene - but I go brush my teeth, splash my face and drink hot tea. Anxiety boils within me. I bite my cuticles until they bleed, hoping that I can bite all my problems away. I run into the hot sun, the rays beating against my skin, burn this outer skin so I can live in a fresh, new outfit.

But I'm a virus. I have no shape, no form, no body. I'm just a bodiless carrier, a seeping transparent figure - no skin, no outfit, no shell will fit on me today.

Everyday feels like a ticking time bomb, as I move back and forth with each tick and each tock. Sun goes up, sun comes down. Sun goes up, sun comes down. I work until my eyes are sore. Blotchy and red, it hurts to close my eyes. My heart and my head spin thoughts in a complex machine of gears and pulleys. My thoughts ride the machine like a roller coaster - up and down, left and right. My blue light glasses slip down my nose, as I feel the beads of sweat forming - I need to secure my future, get a job out of school. How can I secure a job when I don't even know if there is a future? I tell myself everyday, it's time to be a better person to others. It's hard to be a better person to others when you're by yourself, and when you're not quite sure how to even be better to yourself. The world is falling apart, but I must keep on living. I live like tomorrow will be the same as yesterday, and today is just another day.

Everyday i inhale worry and exhale anxiety. I breathe in hate from social media, hate against people of the same color skin as me - who have never felt so distant from me today. Everyday I fight to tell you how I feel, but I somehow continue to offend you, to hurt you. The words fall off my tongue like a running waterfall, and I vomit my most pressing thoughts. I can't help it. I can't help it. My thoughts push you off the waterfall, and you dive into the great unknown. You dive and dive again swimming in the nebula of my thoughts, piecing me together, trying to figure it all out.

But you can't. I can't. I'm frustrated. You're frustrated. We can't fix me.
I'm made of wax, and you are a blazing fire - you try to light me up again, but I melt away, falling into a puddle of formless, gooey goop.

I'm a virus. I'm a ticking time bomb. Everything I do is contagious, is explosive, and is volatile. Anything I do will affect an entire world -
a world not of my own.
A world of billions
A billion good, a billion pure

I don't want to infect your world. Your world is precious.

/

... and my world?

My world is falling apart.