"Success" (or more like, "lack of success")

In no way have I been "successful" in these past MONTHS.

In fact, my lack of "success" is laughable. So if you're in the same boat as me, if you feel un-"successful", please know that you're definitely not alone. 

I find that there's a certain stigma and a certain reaction to when people use the word "success". I'm not sure if it's because of the environment I grew up in, or that everyone around me always seems to be "successful", but "success" has always been something that I've felt that I have to attain. When someone mentions the word "success", I'm always like: "Oh my god !!! SO happy for you !" while I pinch and twist myself in the arm a little bit because there's always a twinge of jealousy I have towards this person. Okay, it's probably more than a 'twinge', but this kind of envy is just me wanting the same kind of success that others have achieved, and I think, wow, if I could only be like them. Rip.

So let's talk about how we define success - 

Success to you and me is probably graduating from college. Success is getting good grades. Success is graduating top of your class. Success is getting a really good job; maybe at Google, or Goldman Sachs. Success is making a lot of money. I mean a lot of money. Success is when your parents pull out their phones and show their friends: "Yeah, that's my daughter, and she's doing x, y, and z!" In pop culture, success is having more than 1 million followers on social media. Success is standing next to a blown up billboard picture of yourself in Times Square. Success is getting the most views on TikTok, becoming best friends with Kourtney Kardashian, releasing your own Dunkin' Donuts Drink, or profiting from what you say is "your own make up brand", and market it as something you "wear" all the time ! (cough cough lies). Success is being worshipped. Success is losing weight, eating "healthy" and looking spectacular. Success is having that line down your stomach. Success is ending up in New York city, buying clothes you'll never really end up wearing on Madison Avenue. Success is having more than two houses. In the sphere of politics, success is shaming someone else for having an opposing opinion, and obtaining widespread agreement with you. Success is winning an argument. Success is saying the nastiest thing possible about your opponent in a debate televised nationally on the screen in front of every child, every mother, every grandparent of this country - they say you are supposed to be our "role model". Riiiiight. Yikes.

"Success" to all of us has become this huge coffin-nailing burden on our shoulders, a bullseye target that we have to hit from so far away: if we don't attain it, well, that's not an option.

If I am not successful, well then, I will embarrass myself, then I will be regarded as normal, then I will be regarded as less in society - then I will be sad. So sad. So sad and pathetic. 

Society has stuck gold stars on those that we deem are "successful" and are "worthy", and we are all just fighting to be have a gold star pinned to our chests. We rather be idolized than idolizing. Admired instead of admiring. Sought out by others instead of having to seek others out. We want to parade the streets proudly with this shiny badge: "WORTHY. SUCCESSFUL". We have to be seen with the best, seen with the elite. Scratch that, we have to be identified as the best, as the elite.

I definitely fell and still fall into this sick, twisted concept of "success". The reason for my lack of posts on my blog recently is me telling myself that: "Well, I'm always just so busy. I'll get back to it once I find a job." I say this as I update my LinkedIn profile, scroll anxiously through Handshake, delete another rejection email to hide the shame, and apply to another job that doesn't seem to quite fit any of my passions and more importantly, my beliefs. 

Am I even qualified?? Who knows!!! YOLO I'll just do it. <-- I repeat this sentence A LOT when I scroll through jobs listings. You should see me in these last few months :'-). 

I say this because I realize that a huge part of myself is just trying so hard to get a taste of this "success", to ensure "success" in the next year when I graduate from college. It's like I have this craving, this need to lock down my "success" in the next year. I want a taste of something that is unrealistic. Fleeting. "Success" is just another mythical creature from a storybook: I'm more likely to catch a fairy, or a mermaid than I am to obtain society's version of "success".

It's like I have this need to move on from one "success" immediately into another - no matter if the current circumstances make this almost impossible. 

We have this one, slithered perspective of "success". It's this tiny, narrow vision of success - one of totally superficial achievements, one that society has deemed as "achievements". It's a vision that requires you to sell your very own soul. 

As I am trying to grasp this terrifyingly tranluscent, slippery phantom of what we call "success", I'm trying to pause and think about what have I really been chasing? Do I even know what I want? I mean, is it even worth it?

And at the end of the day, the answer will always be -

it's not.

You know it, and I know it.

And isn't that so sad?

We all know the truth about this "success", yet we all choose to ignore it, to dig a hole deeper and deeper - trying to fill it with this transient version of "success", we keep chasing this thing in life that just doesn't fill anything within us. 

There's no happiness that comes with this so-called "success". 

So wouldn't I rather be happy? Wouldn't I rather be fulfilled? 

 

And honestly, as I'm typing this, I'm looking at my 'Job folder' on a tab opened in the same browser I am currently using to write this blog. Truthfully, a huge part of me is saying OK BUT I STILL WANT A JOB PLS AND THANK YOU LIKE YES ITS WORTH IT YES YES YES PLS I WILL SELL MY SOUL. 

No!

Stop that Lauren! I'm so tired of being anxious. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not enough, that I'm unworthy.  I'm so tired of feeling like the life is just being sucked straight out of me. I MEAN I'm so tired of feeling so ReJeCtEd ! It is NOT a pleasant feeling! At! All! :'-)

BUT yes, even with all these worthless things I've convinced myself that I am, alongside with these terrible feelings, and I mean terribleeee feelings, like literally pooped-my-own-pants-in-front-of-everyone-I-will-never-recover feelings... what I have come to learn is that who I am isn't defined by people that literally don't even know me (I mean Lauren, you don't even know the name of the person rejecting you) I am not defined by people who don't even give a rat's fart about me!

You see, I'd like to think that my purpose in life is so much bigger than this, is so much more than just feeling liked, or being perceived as "liked" by society. I hope that what counts for at the end of my life is just showing a huge amount of love to others. I hope I love others to the point I'm loved out - that on my death bed, I die because I literally have not one ounce of love within in me to give anymore so I die from it. heh. What a great way to go. I'd like to not be scared of dying because I feel like I haven't fulfilled anything in life yet. I'd like to think that I can be a person that isn't fuelled by random's people approval, but someone that can just be confident in themselves because I know with all my heart that I'm doing the best that I can to do good in this world. That's all I can ever ask for in my life. That's not what I've been doing, and that's not what I have been putting first. It's time I change my mentality.

So whether or not I make a huge salary next year, or whether or not I even find a frickin job next year - I think what's important is that I find something in whatever shape or form that makes me want to give it my all, that makes me feel like I'm putting some sort of happiness, some kind of kindness and some piece of good into this huge machine that we call our world. And if people judge us, well that's on them! Judgement is a form of envy, and as long as we believe in what we do and give it our all than there is really nothing that can stop us. God I sound like a frickin Jojo Siwa song - but I think it's true :'-). You know it and I know it. It's just hard to actually go out and do.

I guess from now on what I'm going to do is to try something everyday that pushes me to do one good thing for other people. One good thing that makes me feel slightly out of my comfort zone, like a fish out of water. One good thing that makes me feel good about my own skin. One good thing that reminds me of my purpose. 

When I apply to jobs, I am going to remind myself that wherever I end up, to take a deep breath because - IT'S OKAY. It's not the end of the world if I don't get a job - and you know what, whatever career or place I end up with, I can do so in a way that pushes good into the world. I'll be right where I need to be. Wherever we end up, we are the ones left with a choice everyday. 

So make that choice. Choose good and choose you, take care of you, because at the end of the day, "success" comes and goes, but you are here to stay. 

        

                                                                                            always here for you,

                                                                                             teeny, tiny & terrified 

In a Borat voice: *Great Success !*