SURPRISE! Lauren is Alive (but she a mess tho)!
Well folks. Life is once again, messy.
It's pretty chaotic of me to only post when life is messy, when I'm at my lowest lows. I find myself feeling the same way (but different) from when I was 17. This feels like deja vu but also not really. lol. chaos.
I'm acting like my life hasn't been messy all this time – because it simply was messy all the time. 2022's messy was just as messy as 2021, and 2020... and 2019, 2018, 2017 and so on...
As I enter my 24th year on this Earth, my friends will know that face I make as I look into the distance like a 90-year-old fortune teller with messy lipstick (done this way ofc because her vision is just worsening and worsening), and broken teeth from smoking too much. As I look into the never-ending sky, I say "I'm going to die soon" or "I'm having my quarter life crisis" or my drunken "OK but at what age do we stop partying?" "When is NOT okay to go to the club anymore?" "I haven't contributed anything to this world but the CO2 from my farts"
This makes me go into what I think is a funny story, where I talk about how on News Years Day I went to the clubs in Hong Kong and I thanked a group of boys who were helping me fend off a perv. I asked them how old they were and they giggled like the worst-secret-keepers they are – of course I immediately knew what that meant –
"we're 16 XD" cut to me literally shoving through the crowds to get away. Literally please god I simply cannot speak to you because that would be ILLEGAL.
I can't even BELIEVE I would say things like "he's 24?! that's SO OLD", I am 24 now and that's the rudest thing that's ever come out of my mouth. I was simply the most stuck up, irritating preteen in the world.
I get why adults are sensitive about their age now, I mean look at me not even classifying myself as one of them, in my head I am still 16 years old.
I miss who I was at 21. At 18. So just trying to figure everything out and give good energy to the world. Now, I'm just trying to get out of the subway without making eye contact with a homeless person. I'm just trying to pay my rent. Go to my favorite artist's concert. Get enough PTO days to visit my parents at home.
Since I've last written, here's what I've accomplished:
- Rediscovered the middle part (exciting!)
- Still live at my grandparents rent-free (tho that is about to change in a few days! exciting! but also – fml)
- Gotten my first job (exciting!)
- Celebrated one year there (okay consistency!)
- Made 3 new friends (exciting!)
- Discovered a crimper (exciting! But will probably regret this in a few years)
- Watched my best friend get married (exciting! but also.... fuck.)
- Made a few inconsistent TikToks (Sorry 2 my 2 followers xd)
- Can finally say I've tried ratatouille (Total disappointment. it's fully vegetables.)
- Read half a book (too embarrassed to say which one)
- Cried way less than I used too (also too embarrassing to say how many times)
- Paid for my own hair dye (Thank you Mei Jie in Chitown)
- Only got painfully drunk 2 times in NYC (sorry to those there, you know who you are)
- Oh. Moved to NYC duh!
- Got harassed on the subway only x1000234 times
- Wanted to move out of NYC
- Cooked my friends a fancy meal
- Broke my microwave
- Discovered Grandma Pizza
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have nothing to say. I have nothing significant to say. Nothing but word vomit and diarrhea. My life is messy right now, a time when things truly feels unstable, and a lot of things in my life are changing. I've had to make really tough decisions. I've also made some silly decisions and NOT learned from my mistakes. I've had to confront people about how I've been feeling – confront my future, confront myself. Do I like the person I've become since coming out of college? Some of it, yes – but some of it, no.
I'm finding that in my time in NYC, I've had very little time to journal, to blog, or to even really just sit with my thoughts. I think the reason for this is because I don't want to, I don't want to feel the feelings or feel my eyes well up with tears that I've sucked back. But the truth is, I know I need to. I know I have to. I used to prioritize this, but the new me doesn't do that. She doesn't prioritize her mental being, she doesn't stop watching movies, consuming media, craving immediate comfort.
Since moving to NYC, I've lost myself a little bit. Focusing on all the wrong things in life. It's scary to even question my morals and ask myself what even are my values anymore, because the old me would have never let that gotten out of touch, the old me would never let me get this far deep into complete wandering.
That's it. That's the word – I'm simply wandering, like those zombies in that movie. I don't want to wander aimlessly anymore.
I want to be brave. I want to confront myself. I want to conquer my fears. I want to be okay with being by myself and alone with my thoughts for many hours (maybe stop before I go crazy).
It's funny how I'm like an annoying teenager in each blog, it simply takes me stringing together my thoughts in these crazy paragraphs to crack my shell and get into it. I've always struggled with telling people how I feel because I'm scared of talking too much (even though I still somehow talk too much lol). Sometimes I think writing it out really helps.
It's okay to not be okay. I know I say this a lot and it's super gross and cliche. I'm not okay right now. But you know what? That's okay. It's A-OK! Who even is fully okay any of the time now? Ok Imma stop saying okay now.
Life is messy. As mine has been for years now. I hope you find a way to outlet your feelings and everything your going through through someone you trust, through music, through dance or really through whatever the fuck makes you feel like you – no judgement here.
Find that thing – for me it's spewing totally inappropriate and personal feelings to the internet, to a blog no one will read. Take a moment to stew in your feelings, even though it's the worst fucking feeling in the whole entire world.
Stew, and after, you'll feel better. Just like I do now, thanks to you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being here for me. :')
Together, let's walk with purpose (but it's okay to not know that purpose. Just like how I'm writing this sentence. lol). Yes, nothing makes sense.
It's time to rebrand, mothercluckers.
Love ya <3
-tt&t (see that rebrand, eh?)
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