I guess Im a songwriter now

Let's talk about my worst nightmare. You know when you're about to present in front of a class, and when you tell your friend you think you might need to go to the bathroom one more time cause you swear you're going to shit yourself, they tell you "it's fine, just imagine them naked" and that does nothing because instead of normal people judging you, now naked people are judging you and you're not really sure where to set your eyes...then BAM you're in front of the class and you're pretty sure you can feel your heart in your ears pumping a drumbeat that sounds just like YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK over and over again... yeah... I don't think I do well with standing in front of a crowd. I don't think I do well standing in front of anyone. Especially when you're presenting something you created.

For those of you who knew little Lauren, or lil Tung for short of course, you're probably like what is she talking about?! You saw me in that play, talent show, or maybe even that horrible musical I self-directed when I was 9 called 'Fernerella' which was just a horrid spin on Cinderella that encompassed a confusing plot with the SOLE purpose to make my favorite High School Musical songs fit into the musicale (Darbus style baby). 

I guess Lil Tung was lost somewhere between high school and college. Something about my childish bravery to put on a horrible play in front of the whole school, to announce during assembly to NOT bully my best friend, or to create an incredibly intricate dance routine with my little brother to perform in front of my family... was all just lost. 

Now I'm not saying that any of the shit I did was remotely good, it was DEFINITELY the complete opposite, it was actually so trash, I can't believe I made friends, family, and classmates who gave 0 fucks about me watch this hot mess express, not once, not twice, but over and over again. I don't understand how my family was never sick of my ass lol. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss that utterly non-apologetic dedication and courage to do whatever the fuck I wanted. To create something that could've literally just applied to myself. Imagine being able to put something out there in the world that might be the ugliest, most non-relatable and incomprehensible shit ever – it's like judgement or societal norms didn't exist, and that's what I miss. I miss not knowing that there's a box that encloses around me, I miss not having that pit in my stomach, that anchor in my heart, or the gum at the bottom of my shoe holding me back in the place that I am. 

I fucking hate these feelings. And as my social life took over my entire being in college and in the few years after, I realized I really lost myself. I lost myself in relationships, I lost my purpose, I lost the morals I swore I'd live by. I'd become a person that I never wanted to be. The worst part is I didn't even care. I was numb to everything happening in my life. I let the life around me dictate my identity, and I had nothing in me, no energy, no self-love, and no motivation to get out.

I can't tell you if there was an exact moment where I couldn't take it anymore; maybe it was my best friend's wedding and seeing what love should really look like, or maybe it was moving out of my UES apartment where everything around me was tainted with memories of every horrible thing I did. Maybe it was moving into an apartment with 3 amazing ladies who are fearlessly true to themselves... maybe it was a mix of everything, but I realized that when it all comes down to it, the only thing I care about in the world is having empathy – and I simply wasn't living a life filled with it, even though I truly believe that's all we need to lead a loving life. These are the words I want on my gravestone: 'Lil Tung... she empathized.' Cool. Groovy. Great way to die.

So when you're stuck in every aspect in your life, what do you do? You let it all go. You leave your relationship to figure out who you are on your own. You leave the job that makes you unfulfilled, that makes you feel like you're selling a lie. The only two things I knew I needed to ask myself when quitting was: 1. Am I happy here? 2. Am I helping the world in any way?

The answer for me were two clear Nos.

So I guess this is where we are today. This year was a huge year for me. Looking back, this will always be one of my favorite years. Why? I did the right things for me. This isn't something easy for me, since I struggle a lot with the fear of being selfish. I also did soooooo much self-reflection. I left a relationship where he deserved better, I left my job in PR, I found what I'm passionate about, I auditioned for music school, I left the home I created in New York, all my sweet, supportive friends, family, and familiarity... all for what? Well, I'd like to think it's all for what I'm passionate about, all for something that I think is how I best empathize. 

This is what I love about music. I love putting on my headphones and slipping into another dimension, it brings me to an elevated world where things are happy, or sad, or blue, or colorful... it creates a world where you can be wherever the fuck you want to be. It's your teleportation device. The best and worst part? It's where it's just me and my feelings. No one else. The sounds of the bustling city fades away, and here I am forced to be brave and confront my feelings and worst of all, myself. I'm forced to reflect on what's going on in my head, every emotion I'm having. In a weird way, music has been my life coach. It's helped me realize profound shit, how I want to live my life, and even make decisions. Even if it's just a small decision like how am I going to reply to this text from a friend that feels passive aggressive? Well, this song from Taylor Swift told me that 'Karma and I vibe like that,' so maybe I won't take offense to it, continue to put good karma into the world, and just ask if she's okay. To big decisions like do I leave everything I love in New York City to move to a new city where I basically don't know anyone but I can pursue songwriting? To be honest, this was never a decision I needed to make, but just to reaffirm myself, I'd listen to Here Comes the Sun. It's been a long winter in NYC, where I simply wasn't moving forward in life, I wasn't happy, and so how I interpret the song is that it's time to for me to move on and let myself really do what I want, to truly be in the sun.

I've been afraid to tell people about this part of my life, to say 'I'm going to London to get my masters in Songwriting' is fucking scary, because in a way it makes it fucking real. It makes my dream real. It makes it something I can fail at, I can lose, and I really REALLY don't want to lose this. 

But as I sit here on the floor, alone in an unfurnished living room in Marylebone, baking chicken and microwaving noodles to eat on plastic plates and bowls because the fucking burner won't work – I realize how scared I am, how alone I am. I mean I'm fucking terrified. I'm alone with my thoughts like all the time right now, and at times while that might be the hardest thing to do, I know it's also the fucking bravest thing I can do. It's also how we grow, how we push ourselves to achieve the ultimate form of independence and self love. To be able to bear yourself. And you know what I got? Besides an army of people supporting me? Music. 

I get to make music, I get to feel everything. The pain in all this, the excitement in all this, the fear in all of this, and even the happiness in all this. And you know what, maybe I'll get to help you feel things too. That's the best part. To be perfectly honest some negative feelings outweigh the good ones right now, but that's the beauty of life, I'm lucky to be able to feel everything.

I might fail, and you all might see me fail, and while that's terrifying, I know you can empathize with me on this journey, and that fills me in a way I will never be able to convey, not even in a song.

So, that's it I guess. I just wanted to say thank you to all who have supported me and got me to the place I am today. I really really couldn't do it without your faith in me. Even if we don't talk, and you see this and do a lil cheer for me in your head, that already means the world to me.  

And guess what? This empty living room may not have any furniture or literally anything in it lol, but singing in it? Aw man, it feels like I'm floating and melting at the same time in a warm pot of honey. Nothing beats the feeling of truly loving what you do.

Cheers to new adventures, embracing fear, and facing yourself!!!!!! We got this!!!!

Lil Tung circa 2004 tehe

Love always, teeny, tiny, & terrified <3