opposites

a poem to myself

i hate myself and i love myself the most –

so fucking great for always pushing myself
so fucking horrible for never doing enough

so fucking hot when i can get this one man
so fucking ugly when he leaves again

so fucking smart for leaving my job
so fucking dumb for leaving it for art 

so fucking interesting for being so passionate
so fucking boring for talking about the same shit

so fucking loving falling left and right
but so fucking hating cause i won’t even try

so fucking clear about what i need to do
so fucking lost in the anxiety of doing it

so fucking hungry for more attention

so fucking stuffed with everyone's opinions

so fucking tired from overexerting 

so fucking awake when it's time for resting

so fucking brave for using my voice
so fucking scared for them to actually hear it 

im so fucking done

but i haven't even started.

they say opposites attract,

but they don't meet, they're born and bread simultaneously.

how can two things that live in perfect harmony, cause so much dissonance in me?

sometimes i just want the two armies in my brain to stop fighting,

sometimes i want one to defeat the other,

sometimes i just want them to cease fire.

but they never do, and sometimes i doubt that they will.

i love myself and i hate myself the most, 
who else is going to care? 
when im the only one who has to care about me 
so i love myself to the best of my ability  
more so than anyone has for me 
but i hate myself for being stuck in this body 
im the only one who knows enough to hate me

I've learned to love and hate so immensely in this lifetime, having such strong feelings on such opposite spectrums.

contradictions develop no matter what you choose, good or bad. being "good" doesn't mean you win happy feelings. you don't win happiness, but instead receive a complex package of opposing feelings. i have found that doing what's right normally comes with a feeling of sadness and of anger. the biggest life lesson ive learned is that it doesn't mean you get good when you give good.

you just have to keep living. breathing. dealing. and that's so fucked up to me.

so for now, i will keep 

loving & hating myself the most.