The Most Open, Honest and Real Entry Yet

To the people who need a friend, to those who want a pick me up, who appericiate a honest truth, for those who need to hear the ugly truth sometimes - here it is - this is me, laid down and broken down to bits:

Here is a mixture of everything in my life. I get real about family and my ex boyfriend further down. I know you guys know who some of these figures are in this entry, and I want to first off apologise if I offend you in any way, even though I really tried my best not to, but I promise you, this is the absolute truth to my life. This covers a lot in my life right now, and I hope it can inspire you. 

Here it is:

One deep breath in...

Growing up in Hong Kong, my parents claim that we always “celebrated” thanksgiving. However, every time I try to think back to a single time we did do thanksgiving, my mind draws a blank. Maybe I remember the pee wee of a little bird one year my mother bought at the last moment, but I can tell you truly, earnestly and from the bottom of my heart, that thanksgiving was never a thing in the Tung family household, no matter what my parents will say. 

So when I forgot about Thanksgiving last year my sister took great offence. “You’re supposed to be with family for thanksgiving, Lauren.” I rolled my eyes. I clenched my anger in my fists, pressing my nails into my thick palms. So. Annoying. She’s so fragile, is what I thought throughout her rant and anger. We fought like this every year.

“You never make time for me”

“You only hangout with your boyfriend during your free time”

“You aren’t supposed to care if you have to stay in a dorm with me for a day, Lauren”

So many dumb fights that triggered me into a rage that I, myself, never understood where it came from. 

Being a sister is one of the hardest jobs. At least, it has been for me. I mean it’s possible that she will go all her life without even reading this, and maybe if she does she’ll come storming into my room and telling me to take this down immediately - but trust me Megan, I promise you just keep reading, this is a good one.

-

My dad and I get along very easily. I can tell him absolutely anything. Whenever things are hard, the first person I dial and cry to is my dad. He just is so understanding when it comes to pain, frustration and anger. He is sympathetic and kind, and tells me straight up when I am being stupid. I like that about him. He has always been someone that is earnest, truly a supportive man and I have always felt lucky to have a dad like him. 

My brother and my dad are pretty close up there for me. My brother is also so easy for me to talk to. We both love Blair first of all, so that is always our main topic for discussion. He also always laughs at my jokes, like he really loves my jokes. His laugh gives me such a confidence boost. He thinks I’m funny which always brightens my day. Not a lot of people think I am that funny (lol who are we kidding I am hilarious). I don’t feel the urge to cry to my brother or tell him my problems, but taking care of him is easy. That's just the word for our relationship, just easy and natural. We used to fight all the time - stupid bullying, picky, impractical fights - but now we aren’t quite like that anymore. We tell each other how grateful we are for one another and how much we love each other. We text each other when we miss one another and I love him from the bottom of my heart for his pure, innocent, kind and most down to Earth heart. He is so precious.

My mom and my sister on the other hand - rough.

Let’s start with my mom. 

I think mom and I struggle with getting along when we’re together sometimes because we are so so so similar. My mom and I are both very emotional people and sometimes (let’s get real, we’re ALWAYS) super stubborn. It’s hard for us to admit that sometimes we fuck up. We are suckers for our big hearts and we try our best to try to make this world a better place - which I am so thankful that I got that from my mother - however, being emotional and having a big heart comes with great imperfections and flaws. We hurt. A lot.

Like any little thing that happens to us, we get really sad and we tend to overthink it and get super emotional. So when either of us feel like we are right, and are angry with the other, it always ends up in great tears - like our hearts been ripped out by each other - more dramatic than a damn Spanish Soap Opera… but we make up so fast. We make up like that because we can’t stand being angry at one another and hate that the other feels anger towards the other. We think we are both being the bigger person by forgiving the other. Healthy? I am not sure, but I am happy when my mother and I try to make up. I think it’s hard to do, step down from your pedestal. I think as years go by we grow more patience, and with more experience I hope we are able to not say things that trigger each other like that. But mom, seriously sometimes you say things that just - I love you still. ha. No but seriously she is the most amazing woman I love her very, very much.

And now we have come to my sister. 

How do you even begin with this one. Ever since we were little, we’ve always been loud and obnoxious with each other. When I was born, there is a clip of a very young Megan holding my little peanut body in her arms, softly saying: “this is my little sister! Her name is Lauren!” 

Cutest thing I have ever seen. 

When we look back at those clips, we always laugh at the painful truth - “The first and last time Megan hugged Lauren!!” 

Growing up, Megan has always through so many hardships that she has overcome with such grace. To be honest, I think we’ve both been super fucked over in life. Like, people treat us like actual shit, however sometimes I think because Megan is four years older than me, she has encountered more shitty experiences purely based on the fact of her age - and that makes me really sad and frustrated. 

Let me be clear, no part of me is saying this in a way of pity, I don’t feel an ounce of pity. No it’s more of an anger and disappointment for the society of men, (and I guess also some women but women are perfect lol jk) you guys are dumb and mean and you should never ever lead a girl on and then drop her, honestly what the fuck is wrong with you. I have always had problems with people who lead others on - if you know you are not going to be with them - let them go, it’s so selfish to keep them contained in your little cell where they are imprisoned by your toxic lies. 

I know that paragraph was a little intense, and I know it’s harsh and most of it I don’t mean, you’re probably not dumb and mean, but I just hate when people like you have momentary lapses of judgement and do mean things to my family or my friends. I am hella loyal and protective and if you fux with my friends you FUX with me!!! Most of you reading this though aren’t those people and the people I would fight for to be next to and protect with my whole body and soul. 

ANYWAYS back to the point: I feel like Megan has been through a lot and she’s overcome a lot - like all of us had. I think sometimes it’s just hard to be a sister because you are so close up to it, but also can never have a real, true understanding and grasp of what she is feeling. This is really hard. It’s like your sister is right there but worlds away. It’s the worst feeling in the whole universe that she is untouchable, and it’s honestly not your job because you can’t hold the weight to this, because simply - you are not her parent - in those moments, there is nothing you can do about it, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you have tried. 

There are so many moments in life, where you will find that, your heart is so much bigger than you ever imagined. You will have this one day if you haven’t already. You will wish for only genuine good, loving happiness for the person you love, no matter how much it will hurt for you. I feel this for my ex boyfriend, I feel this for my friend at Princeton, and I feel this most especially for my brother and my sister. There are moments in my life where I just want to take their boulders and put it on my back for them - and that’s the best gift you could offer someone - the ability to empathise. 

In a way, I am very thankful for a bad break up. I know this may be an uncomfortable subject for people to read, and if he is reading this, I hope this is okay, but I think I would like to open up about how I felt and coped with our breakup. First loves are hard, we ended very messy. It ended with so many questions and hurt that he could never, ever make up for, or truly explain. There can never be clarity.


It ended with me doubting love and being so so careful with who I give my heart to. For a moment, it made me look at all relationships with a lens that showed me "all couples are fucked up. All couples cheat." And for a moment, after feeling cheated, I honestly felt pressure from him, pressure from society to cheat. Cheat because I have to balance this out somehow, I have to be okay with what he did because "it wasn't a big deal", because he says he "only loves me". Cheat because he loves me, and if love involves cheating, because you love him so much, you should cheat on him. This is the most fucked up thing I have ever felt in my life, because one, I don't deserve to be cheated on. Two, Ever since I was young I have always told myself I would never be a cheater/will never be with a cheater. Three, it made me believe true love did not exist, or more twistedly, that that was true love.
I know this is hard to hear, and it may sound terrible, which it was because, for me at least, I really cared. I really care about him still, and I wish him nothing but genuine happiness. And I know you think that that is bullshit, but I do. There were so many bad moments in our relationship, but there were also so so many good ones. So many that I look back at and it still warms my heart. I will always apperciate and cherish those moments. I love him in a very different way, I know I loved him, and that's a little part of me that I love/hate about myself. Let me be clear, he is a very, very good, beautiful human being. I believe in him so much. I believe that he will grow up and be something amazing, inspring in this lifetime. I belive his mom is truly an inspiration and is someone who will forever take credit for steering my life to become a helper. There was just this moment, when he did something so hurtful, to bash on something that meant so much to me, when I saw it, it just clicked. I stopped loving him all in just one moment. It was just gone. My boulders lifted. But because he was such an important figure in my life, someone I unhealthily revolved my life around, and someone that I truly loved and cherished, it was very hard for me to move on, but more importantly understand why. This doesn’t apply to everyone and some people move on very quickly, but I truly believe that he never loved me - and that is okay. There are certain things in this world that will never make sense. There are certain pains that you will undergo that will never be repaid or felt by the person who hurt you. 

This is one of the hardest things for me to accept in life: that there is no outcome, there is no way that he will be reading this and say “damn! I messed up!” and that’s okay. That’s 100% okay. He led me to a really dark place in life, and I really thought at moments if I was hit by a car I would be okay with it. I know these are dark and scary thoughts but they are true. I just doubted myself so much. It was especially hard because he was my best friend, and I told him everything. When my dog died there was a little moment where I wanted to talk to him him, and even if there was so much pain for myself, I had more pain for him, worrying that he would feel so much worse when he lost his childhood dog. My friends always say I am being too selfless and not selfish enough, and maybe they're right, I have always put other people’s happiness, especially his, in front of my own. Maybe it’s considered weakness, but honestly it is one of the hardest things to do in life: To forgive those and not be petty about it. It’s about doing the right thing when he says something so hurtful and scarring like: “I never really want to see you again.” That’s so awful, and I hope no one has to ever, ever hear those words come out of someone that you really loved and still care about. I think that in life, we have to accept that sometimes you are truly strong, and that you can do this. You just - you can. I know sometimes there are no moments where everything will all the sudden makes sense, there is only wondering - but there is also only learning and healing - 

Take a look at this sun, feel the warmth and watch it shimmer on your skin...

I guess this is what I want to tell my sister, and to all my sisters and brothers who are reading this in pain, in this world, there is only you who is going to be with you 24/7. There is only the voice in your brain telling you what to do everyday, there is only your heart that feels the way it does and only your body that is doing the things you want it to do. There are cruel people in this world. So many cruel people. We can be those people too sometimes, however, the pain that you feel, the pain that has you torn apart, ripped into shreds, and then proceeded to get stomped by the person you loved, is something out of your most painful endurances that blossoms you into a good person. I know that doesn’t make sense, but you will never, ever do the things that they have done to you to another person, to another heart in this world. You will be able to be there for those that are going through the same pain - and to me, that is one of the most selfless, kindest acts one can do in this lifetime. You have no idea how much I appreciate the people that listen to me, even if I go on and on about the same person who has abused me, because some people will ruin you. 

But it’s all about the healing. It’s all about seeing who is there to help you - that is when you truly find the love of your life. The process of healing doesn’t just go away like that. It’s a journey and everyday it will get easier and easier - some days it will dip - but my point is, if you can’t get through this journey by yourself, how in the world are you going to survive when you realise, shit, I'm all alone by myself? 

Be okay with yourself. You have to be okay with yourself. Don’t be the person that depends on another person for your happiness. 

I was there and I am not proud, but God, He gave me the chance to be alone, to more importantly, want to be alone, to be happy with being alone. For the first time in my life I am happy. Truly happy with myself - even if this year has been the hardest year of my life! I have overcome so so much. So so much more than my oppressor.

So I guess this is what I would tell Megan if I could be the big sister at some point of our lives. You can do it. It’s all about time and healing. 

Boyfriends, girlfriends, sisters, brothers, moms and dads - life in general - it’s all about keeping the people that are chosen for you and by you as important in your life, as a force of good in your life, and as a force of hope and inspiration. If you have people that you look at and go wow, I really think this person is amazing, I wonder what this person would do if he/she was in this situation, what would he/she say? Don’t let go of them. Please. 

I have no regret in my life as of who has been there for me, and who I truly have as friends in my life. There are so many people that will come and go, whose opinions and stupidity you have masked with seeing them as pefection. You'll end up realising wow, they are just plain immature, you realise that this person who you have loved, and tried to be the best influence on them, just doesn't inspires you like you have for them - let them go. They aren’t worth your time.

Life is a damn journey, it’s your journey, so make it a good one - make it one where you are proud and strong and most importantly, know that you will be happy if you can do this on your own. Keep those who inspire you close.

I love you.

You are so so so not alone.

                                                                                          - Teeny, tiny & terrified